I Knew It

I knew it was going to happen. Inevitably the closeness and love we were experiencing in the weeks prior to Valentine's Day would fade and we would find ourselves feeling alone and disconnected.

Yesterday my boss kept me late after work, not because I had done anything wrong, but simply because he needed my help working on a spreadsheet and he has no respect for other people's time. My boss loves the way I organize information into spreadsheets. I consider myself skilled in organizing information. He, however, is not. So we spent more than an hour making nonsensical changes to what had been a neat and orderly spreadsheet I had made. All the while I would make reasonable suggestions of ways to do what he wanted to do and he would deflect them, essentially because they weren't his idea. I got close to telling him how disrespectful it was to keep me late when I had sent him that spreadsheet a week ago. But I let it go.

Eventually, he was satisfied and I was allowed to leave. My wife had called during my nightmare so I called her back while I was driving home. I told her why I was held up and how annoyed I was, and then she started telling me about how her clothes don't fit because she's lost weight, and how she needs to buy new suits, and how she would have all of her suits taken in by a seamstress, but she might need bigger suits when she is pregnant, and so on and so on, and I just stopped listening. She talks so much more than I do. I really try to tell her important things that I think she will find interesting, and she just tells me everything. I got off the phone saying I needed to call someone else.

And when I am frustrated, I really don't want to take it out on anyone. I'm more inclined to tell them outright that I am in a bad mood and they shouldn't interact with me at all. It wasn't her fault that my boss has Obessive Compulsive Disorder and is a total jackass on top of that, but still, have a little emotional intuition. Maybe now isn't the best time to go over every random thought you've had today. When I got home, I couldn't urge myself to draw. I knew that I should, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I looked at porn and played video games. It just made me more frustrated.

Then when my wife got home, she started making arrangements for us to take her brother's crazy dog for two weeks while he enters the police academy. She suggested that he might not even have time to drive the 3 hours to bring his dog to us, so I might have to meet him half way. Fuck that, if I wanted someone to take advantage of me, I could go back to the office. So we argued. And I felt pissed off that I was making dinner like a good husband, while she was free to do whatever else she pleased. But I let it go. And I felt even more pissed off that those shoelaces I ordered for her as a late Valentine's Day present arrived, and she didn't get me shit. The only thing she got for me was a red bra and panty set that she still has yet to wear. But I let it go.

I'm So Good

Here's what a good husband I am. A month before Valentine's Day I went online and bought her presents. She is learning to play the bass guitar so I got two instructional books off of her Google wishlist. I also got her a Doctor Who radio mystery CD called the "Horror of Glam Rock." This wasn't something she said that she wanted, but she happens to love Doctor Who, old-fashioned radio dramas and glam rock, so that was my surprise see-how-much-I-pay-attention- to-your-interests- and-support-you-in-them gift. So I was ready with presents well in advance.

Then weeks before Valentine's Day, I started scoping a place for us to have dinner. I found an interesting restaurant to which we had never been before, and with my wife's approval, I made a reservation. Two days before Valentine's Day she mentioned that it would be neat to get different colored shoelaces for her new black Converse shoes, so I went online and ordered some. I knew it wouldn't arrive in time for the holiday, but it still seemed like a worthwhile gesture. The day before Valentine's Day I went to the grocery store to get the essential flowers and candy. She dropped a hint about liking tulips a few days ago, so that's what I got along with some Dove dark chocolate candies and two Toblerone bars which she always loves.

On Valentine's Day I was especially affectionate in the morning as we were getting ready for work. At work I sent her adoring text messages. Instead of going to lunch with my coworkers I went to get a haircut because she has been telling me I need one for quite some time. When I got home from work, I cleaned our cats' litter pan. That is one of my wife's household chores, but no one likes manipulating poo, so I did it for her. Then I went to the store and got wrapping paper to match the color of the tulips. I decided to make a card for her since it would mean more than a store-bought card and then I filled it with sweet and loving sentences.

When she arrived at home, I got dressed up for dinner and drove us to the restaurant. I usually can't eat an appetizer, entree and then dessert, but I packed it all down because that's what she wanted. When she said she was getting a headache, I went to the car to get her some pills. After we got home to open our presents, she was dismayed that I had bought her more gifts than she bought for me. I assured her it was OK. She said one of my presents was still in the mail, and I told her she had another one coming also. We opened our presents and smooched. During the day we both hinted at making love after dinner, but we were both tired and just went to sleep. I told her that was OK, too. It really was, because she has been keeping very happy recently.

The night before last I suggested we trade massages and we did. Afterward she wanted to have sex and hopped right onto me. It was fantastic. At one point she got a scarf and tied my hands to the headboard. She didn't tease me or make me submissive enough for it to really be worthwhile, but I still give her points for making it new and interesting. One day I will have to tie her up and show her how it's done.

Since we've been married there have been birthdays and anniversaries where I apathetically got her presents, only because it was expected of me and not out of love. But this Valentine's Day, it was so easy to show her love and devotion. For now I at least feel like I can be the caring husband that I truly want to be. I don't need to second guess my impulses and wonder, "If I do this for her, will she just take it for granted? Am I just setting myself up to feel even more neglected if I go out of my way to make her happy and she doesn't return the same effort?" It goes without saying, this is a very good place to be.

So last week I cancelled my secret subscriptions to Cinemax and that porn website. I haven't logged back into SecondLife at all this week. I haven't made any artwork recently outside of the Valentine's Day card, but I expect I will this weekend. I have had plenty opportunities to pleasure myself this week but I haven't taken them. As much as I enjoy the instant gratification of masturbating, I also like the idea that I am building up more and more sexual energy the longer I go without having an orgasm. I know that the next time I have sex with my wife I will be that much harder, and I will be hard for that much longer, and I will cum that much more, and I will cum that much farther. The resistance to temptation makes me feel powerful.

Plus, the added bonus of not masturbating for a while is the likelihood of having a sex dream. With my normal sexual habits, I never have dreams. Or if I do, I never remember them. But last night, even though my wife and I didn't have sex, we had some amazing sex in my dreams. It felt so real that when I woke up I was unsure if it had really happened or not. But then I realized we did things that we've never done before, and I was sure it had been a dream.

So what did my wife get me for Valentine's Day? She got a sexy red bra and panties that she is going to wear for me, and I seriously can't wait. She's made this work day torture.

Ups and Downs

I can't take the ups and downs. My wife has been so good to me recently, I've been feeling like our marriage is exactly the way I've always wanted it to be. Really. I don't want it to ever change, but I'm sure it will.

The first time we had sex during this cycle was in the morning, my favorite time to have sex, and even though we sleep naked, she took the time to dress in something sexy just for me without my even asking.

We might have had sex again on Tuesday evening, she had said that she wanted to, but I ruined it by getting wasted. Come Wednesday I thought she'd be angry with me and cold as a result, but she acted like nothing had happened. She still was hoping to make love that evening, but I was dog tired. I went to bed and told her she was welcome to wake me up. She fell asleep on the couch, though, and didn't climb into bed until after midnight. But all hope was not lost, we wound up having a quickie in the morning before work on Thursday. I couldn't believe it! Sex in the morning, and on a weekday? It was a dream come true. I told her, "I don't care what happens today because I've already done everything I wanted to do."

On Friday, yesterday, she needed to go out of town for a friend's bridal shower. She said she wanted to get in another shag before she left and I was all for it. She had a lot of packing to do, however, and it was starting to look like we wouldn't have time. We were both disappointed at the idea of missing out, so we went ahead and hopped in bed. I can't remember the last time sex with me won out over something else my wife had to do. I was amazed. But that's not all. She knows I love doing it with her lying flat on her stomach, so she suggested we start in that position and I happily agreed. It was fantastic, we were both so connected. Not just that way. You know what I mean.

I want it to be like this forever.

Meanwhile, within myself, I feel like a mess. In truth, I would really like to work part time and face the risk of trying to market myself as an artist, but the more I consider it, I'm wrought with anxiety. I know it's why I got trashed on Tuesday night. And I know I don't have to make this change, but it still feels like destiny. It feels like what everyone I've ever known has wanted of me and for me. I don't plan to even try this until June, but I still want to get ready now. I want to get my websites in order and print business cards, for starters.

I say that's what I want to do, but this week I've gone back to playing that horrible game, SecondLife. I did make a fair amount of money from it when I played it last year, but just like drinking, I use it to lose myself. I left the game when i was completely bored with it and never expected to regain the slightest interest. Now I'm playing it when I could be doing something productive.

So my wife is still out of town for the bridal shower and I was home alone all day. Tomorrow we are going to visit her brother. We didn't get to see him for Christmas, but as a Christmas present, he asked if I would make him a cool picture of a spaceship for his apartment. I gladly agreed. At the time it seemed like it would be fun to do. None of us have exchanged Christmas presents yet, so naturally I put off doing this until today.

I have had the entire day to myself, but just I can't do it. I sat down and put pencil to paper, but I don't know what I'm drawing. My imagination is void. I tried just starting with geometric shapes, but I hate what I see. There needs to be a concept in my mind of what I want it to look like, and there is none. I started to look online for ideas and I remembered that I had seen a neat website where a guy assembled parts from model airplane kits into futuristic spaceships. I couldn't find it again, though.

It occurred to me that I could do something like that with all of the electronic junk I've accumulated and stockpiled over the years. I definitely have plenty of old computer parts that could be sacrificed. I could make a spaceship from some junk, photograph it, and enhance it in Photoshop. I got excited that I finally had an idea. I rushed out and got some quick-drying adhesive, so extreme that it warns of potential birth defects, came back and scattered small and interesting technological debris all over the floor. I put together three different ships so I would have some to choose from.

When the adhesive dried, I thought it would be a good idea to make them a uniform color, so I started to paint them white. This effectively ruined them. The paint took away their clean edges and make them look like nothing in particular. I had one left that I hadn't painted yet, my least favorite one, so I photographed it and started adding to it in Photoshop until I gave in to the loud voice in my head telling me that it looked incredibly stupid.

Suddenly I was back in art school, struggling to meet a deadline and resolving that it would be better to show nothing than to show utter crap. It would better to have hidden potential than to suffer the public humiliation. Then the problem can be my time management skills and not a lack of talent or vision. As familiar as it is, the sense of self-defeat is so overwhelming. I wish I could just disappear.

Completely Gone

Up until last night, things were going well. My wife and I had a good weekend together. We took our dogs for a long walk in a state forest, played some video games together and did some yardwork. These last few days at the office have been fine, too. I feel more content than I have in a while, and I think it's solely because my wife and I had sex Saturday morning. Looking at the NFP chart, it has been like 20 days since the last time. We've fooled around in other ways between then and now, but each time it was my idea.

Yesterday morning my wife remarked we should have another go after work. I was looking forward to it, but for some reason I got completely drunk as soon as I got home from work. Sometimes I might have a beer after a tough day at work, but there really isn't anything that I'm worried about. I definitely wasn't planning to get drunk, but I did all the same. Lately I've been talking to my wife about me working part time instead of full time in order to have more time to do freelance web work, sell some photography or maybe sell artwork. She has been supportive of the idea, but I guess I am worried about failing. I was very aware as I got home that I was faced with free time which I haven't had in a while. I thought about choosing some photos to print or working on some artwork, but I poured a vodka tonic instead. If there was something else good to drink in the refridgerator, like my favorite MinuteMaid limeaid, I probably would have had that instead.

Then I thought it would be funny to see how long it would take my wife to notice I was tanked. When she got home, I was doing the dishes. I did some laundry, made dinner for us and we ate at our table together and watched TV. Well, I pretended to. All I could see was two of everything. It wasn't until we were working on our computers and I responded to a question strangely enough that she looked me in the eye and said, "What's the matter?" I told her that I was completely gone, which made her aggrivated I suppose. She seemed to think I had gotten drunk because of her, but I told her she had nothing to do with it. I said that people just need to get toasted sometimes, and she disagreed. We still walked the dogs together but didn't talk much. There have been times when I've been brutally honest when I'm drunk and talking to her, but I think I was polite as ever last night. The last thing I remember was getting back home and sitting down on the couch. I woke up there this morning feeling fairly nauseous, but I'm just a little bit dizzy now.

In hindsight I would have rather had a normal evening and some sex. I just gave myself a strong reminder that it isn't much fun to feel hungover. I'd almost like to get rid of the vodka and whiskey and just keep rum in the house. I haven't heard from my wife all day and usually she will call me once or twice. She just texted me a short while ago asking if I needed anything from the grocery store. At first I said no, but then I asked her to pick me up some limemaid.

Self Abuse

I've been better this week. Mostly because I've been too busy to be bad. Idle hands are the devil's workshop, right? Well, I'm an atheist, so it suffices to say that it's not as easy to be distracted when there is work to be done. Imagining that there are invisible good and evil super-beings overseeing and controlling my everday life is odd enough without suggesting that sexual desire belongs to one or the other. Once I saw masturbation referred to as "self abuse." Really? Orgasms are obviously addictive, but the worst side effect I've ever experienced after having an orgasm is a good night's sleep. Which makes me wonder why Heath Ledger ever needed a prescription of Ambien. You're telling me he couldn't have just had a beer and a shag and then woken up to a bright and sunny new day?

But continuing with my original thought, the only thing that makes me feel devilish about my sexual habits is deceiving the missus. That's obviously not good, and I would be bothered if I ever learned that she was keeping secrets from me, too. But consider this. I make dinner for her and I most every night. And I don't always enjoy making dinner. Meals aren't all that important to me, I'd be just as happy having a box of Cheezits for dinner, but proper dinners are important to my wife. So I prepare them. Now if ever I decided that I didn't want to make dinner for us anymore, I would not be indignant if she started coming home with take out food. What right would I have to be angry if I was ignoring something that I know is important to her? So sex is important to me. She knows that it is. And we don't have sex every night. We don't have sex every week either. So where I may feel guilty about keeping secrets from my wife, I don't think the reason I do is exclusive to me.

If my wife were not Catholic, if she did not think that masturbation was an abomination under God, if she were openly sexually explorative, there would be no need for secrets in our house. You might ask, wouldn't it be better to be honest with her regardless of her beliefs? No. I know for a fact that it wouldn't. Once upon a time I did let her know that I watched pornographic movies on our TV. When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, our sex life was better for a short while, then it was back to the usual.

The work that has kept me busy this week was for my brother. He needed some help making changes to a Flash video player in a short amount of time, so I took Monday off and spent all day making the modifications. I wasn't sure I would be able to help, but the person that was originally helping him crapped out, so he was in a jam. When all was said and done, I completed the project on time, made some extra money and learned a good deal in the process. It's been so long since my day job challenged me like that. I think I could really make some cool things with Flash if I committed myself to it.

I especially want to make my own porn site out of my Flash animations. It could be useful on so many levels. First, I would be forced to draw more often. Second, I would learn even more about working in Flash. Third, the only porn I would be looking at would be my own creation. Fourth, if I charged for access, it could be a source of income, too. So far I've registered a domain and made a splash page. And I've developed a player that lets you control a looping animation in a lot of different ways. You can speed it up, slow it down, zoom in and out, pan up and down, left and right, control the sound and switch between different animations. I think it's cool anyway.

So Horrible

This last weekend we visited my inlaws in Tallahassee. It was a three day weekend since Monday was Martin Luther King Day and all three days were spent there. I really didn't want to go, but I didn't want to complain about it either. I hate when my wife complains to me about having to visit my parents, so I spared her the agony. I don't think she wanted to go very much either. For some reason we needed to visit them, even though they came to stay with us for four days after Christmas which was just 3 weeks ago.

One of the things that I dislike about visiting them is just hanging around the house with nothing to do. So we did do something each of the three days, but her family takes so long to get ready to do anything that we never left the house until 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon. So I watched a lot of TV. Meanwhile her Mom talks constantly at full volume, henpecks her Dad, makes excuses for going off of her diet, not exercising, not cleaning the house. I get so frustrated.

Of course I had no time alone to myself and no sexual attention from my wife, so I was waking up in the middle of the night dying for sex. I couldn't get back to sleep so I just lied there next to my wife, staring at the ceiling, imagining how it could be possible to talk to her openly, make her want to please me, or get out of our marriage before we have any kids and find someone more attuned to me. On the morning of the second day I stopped her before she got out of bed and said, "If I don't have some sex I'm going to hurt or kill someone," so we fooled around. I know that seems like I got what I wanted, but that is the bare minimum. That is having sex only when and if I ask for it. That is acquiescence, nowhere near passion.

Tuesday it was back to work. I have two bosses, both were out of the office this week so everyone has been coming in late and hardly working. I haven't done anything all week. I have things I need to do, but I can't bring myself to bother. I just don't give a shit. I know it's entirely passive aggressive of me, but it is what it is. After work I haven't been doing anything noteworthy either. I enjoy my time alone before my wife gets home, then I make dinner for us, we eat dinner and walk the dogs together, we sit at our computers and then go to bed.

Where once I was really getting away from pornography, I have been so horrible this week. I have a Cinemax subscription my wife hasn't noticed, I subscribed to a porn website, I stopped at an adult store and bought a DVD. I posted a fake profile on a dating website and have been corresponding with a known scammer. I even purchased a domain and a web host to start a smut site of my own. I have so many unfinished Flash animations, I really think I could do it if I just had the time and motivation. I never will.

Not Green Enough

I read over a lot of my past entries. I see I go back and forth between knee-jerk complaining about my life and a more collected perspective that has to admit things aren't so bad. I don't want to take good things for granted or forget that life could always be worse and was most definitely worse at one time. I might complain about my wife sometimes, but I do think it's worse to be alone without any hope for companionship. Working a full time job destroys my morale, but it's worse to be without income and deep in debt. And if I find it difficult to make the time to finish some drawings, there was a span of several years after college when I couldn't bring myself to draw anything. My wife may not want as much sex as I do, but she still does want sex, and there is always the promise that we will have sex again in the future. Everytime I look at my wife's naked body it's as if through my teenage eyes. It's such a gift that once seemed impossible.

One of the biggest differences in me over the years is just my overall mood. I was once so comfortable being depressed. I absolutely loved listening to sad songs. These days I've been finding new music through Pandora.com and I've noticed that everything I like seems to be upbeat, optimistic and hopeful. Moreover, some of the people who I thought had it all together are taking happy drugs now just to get through the day. I never thought I would see the day where I would deem myself better off than most. I'm not saying that I'm full of enthusiasm, but I can make it out of the house, and I can show up on time.

But like anyone else, I always want more. Every new accomplishment might make me happy for a few days and then it just blends in with the mundane. Even though I do believe I am better off today than I have ever been at any point in my life, it's not enough. And the main thing that frustrates me is that the greener side doesn't look so far away. The fence isn't even that high. Wouldn't it be possible to draw for a living? Isn't there anyone who would pay me for and appreciate my talent? And would it really take that much time and effort for my wife to sexually satisfy me? Does she even know how much more love I would express if she did? What would I need to do to start looking forward to tomorrow?