So the next cell phone photo I received from my wife had her making a kissy face. How disappointing. I was looking forward to it all day and that was it. Yes, it was a nice gesture, she didn't have to send me anything, but the first photo wasn't exactly cutesy, it was hot and sexy.
She sent two more photos over the next two days and they were much more in line with what I was after. They turned me on a lot. Then I didn't need any more photos because it was Friday and time to fly up to visit her in person.
The flight from Jacksonville to New York was short, but involved so many other short trips in cars, shuttle buses, and airport monorails, it took almost 7 hours to get to her. It felt familiar. It reminded me of the time I visited a girlfriend in college who decided to spend a semester in England. On one hand it's nice to be missed, but then I've never had anyone go through so much trouble to visit me.
But then she teared up when I walked in her hotel room and the hectic trip and all of the little superficial frustrations of living with another person disappeared. Somebody loves me very much and I love her very much, too. I felt so appreciated, and more special than my nephews make me feel when they fight for my attention.
So nice having sex! With her erratic NFP chart, her hospital stay, and then this business trip, I think it was almost a month since we last had sex. She thinks she's put on a little weight since she's been away, but her body looked fantastic to me. We went into New York City on Saturday, then to my hometown on Sunday, and I don't think we argued about a thing. We only got to make love twice. I was hoping we'd have one last go before I needed to leave on Sunday, but I came down with a cold and felt completely worn out.
I've been back home four days now, still fighting off this cold. She's still up at training and finally gets to come home tomorrow. I haven't gotten any more sexy cell phone photos from her, but all the same, this cold has killed my sexual desire. I'm actually disinterested in looking at pornography. I just want to sleep until I feel better.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Pleasantly Surprised
So it's been two months since my last post here. Some interesting events have happened, but as far as I and my wife are concerned, we're still the same. I'm still the same. She's still the same.
Last month she had a really strange cycle where all of the signs that we use to chart her fertile and infertile phases were too sporadic for us to delineate the end of one phase and the beginning of another. Our only recourse was to wait until she had her period to know that we could have sex after then.
She was so frustrated about it. I appreciate that she really looks forward to the times when we can have sex, that is great, I obviously do, too, but there's no use in getting so aggrivated over something you have little or no control over, like your waking body temperature. She makes it seem like the NFP chart of her cycle restricts us from expressing ourselves sexually, when it only restricts when we can have full-on intercourse.
Much as I'd like to and try to instigate it, we don't fool around much when she is in her fertile phase. Where I'm just as happy getting stimulated in some other way, she just wants to fuck and anything else pales in comparison for her. I know what you're thinking, and I'm really no slouch when it comes to stimulating her other ways, too. I promise you, I'm experienced, attentive and patient, and I don't hear any complaints.
Around that time she was really getting on my nerves in so many little ways. She still hadn't been notified of when she would get her 3 weeks of sales training in NJ. That meant that she was getting paid to sit around at home, and every day she was stressing about it. She's under a year-long contract so she can't be fired. Here she started a job with essentially 3 months of paid vacation and she couldn't just relax and fucking enjoy it.
What's more, it seemed like anything to do with my visiting my family, be it my brother and his wife and kids, or my parents, was something for her to complain about. And my parents aren't really that difficult. My Mom always goes out of her way to please everyone. Anytime we visit it means we'll probably eat a favorite meal (of mine or my wife) and we'll go home with extra dessert or cookies. Torture!
On top of that, it seemed like my wife was constantly reporting one ailment after another. It seemed to be happening so often that I suggested she might have some unconscious attachment to not feeling well, which, by the way, is a great way to start an argument. I know I sound like an asshole here, but I'm generally caring toward her, I ask if there is anything I can do to help, anything I can bring home, but after a while it just brings you down to live with someone who never seems to be healthy and satisfied with life. It frustrates me when there is nothing I can do to fix the problem outside of small empty gestures.
Anyway, I was wrong, and the crumby chart was foreboding. As the weeks progressed, she started to get migraine headaches. She'd have them in groups, day after day, where previously she was just getting one occasionally during her period. The symptoms progressed until she started to feel numb on one side of her body. It freaked us both out so we went to the emergency room. She was admitted to the hospital and was kept under observation for two days.
I stayed with her the entire time that she was in the hospital, sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner, and running home every so often to let our dogs out and feed them. I was nothing but calm and supportive and tried to bring her something to make her more comfortable each time I returned. She had an IV in her arm, so I enjoyed the opportunity to help her take a shower. They determined that the numbness was just part of the "aura" of her headache, but they gave her some new medication to take that might actually eliminate her migraine headaches all together. We were both relieved when she was released to go to go home.
Shortly before she went into the hospital, she was given the dates for her training in NJ. At last. I was really looking forward to the time alone. I do love my wife, but I think I appreciate our time apart more than she does. I really need her companionship, but sometimes she talks so much about so many superficial things, I just stop listening. And having her away means I don't have to make dinner on any sort of normal schedule. The prospect of a good 3 weeks alone made me very (unrealistically) optimistic about what I could accomplish while she was away.
All this time with her not feeling well, having a messed up NFP chart and little interest in non-fucking sexual acts, combined with my overall lack of self control, has kept me leaning heavily on the pornography crutch. Even while I feel pretty bored with it. The good news is that I've lost all interest in playing SecondLife, so I don't waste a lot time there anymore. I tried voice chatting with someone over it some time ago, like phone sex, and it didn't do much for me. Now it's demystified and I know it to be really awkward and stupid.
Knowing that my wife would be away for a while, I've gotten fixated on the idea of going to a strip club, since I've never been to one before. Part of me thinks it would be exciting and good for me to try something I've never done before. Another part of me thinks it wouldn't be all that great. I'd probably feel really self-conscious and wouldn't be turned on at all. I don't think the reality of the situation would compare with the fantasy. At the moment, I'm successfully putting it out of my head.
So my wife has been up in NJ for a week now. I've barely accomplished anything that I wanted to, like cleaning up around the house or drawing. I haven't played a single video game, though, and I did prepare one piece of artwork for assembly. I'm just waiting on a tool in the mail that will allow me to finish it. I also have spend some quality time with my family. So it hasn't been a total waste. But needless to say, I've been binging on downloading pornography and now I'm feeling kind of low. I deleted everything from my computer again, but I also need to put my DVDs well out of reach.
I still feel like I have no idea how to reconcile my strong sexual desire. Should I focus all my sexual attention on my wife instead of pornography, or would that just set me up for more rejection and frustration? Should I try to stay away from pornography at all costs, or should I just accept that it's inevitable and try limit the amount of time I waste on it? Should I try to avoid being alone so that I won't have the opportunity to look at pornography, or is that avoiding the real issue, which is a lack of self control? Should I be open with my wife about it, or will that just wreck whatever progress our sex life has made?
I probably wouldn't even mind the fact that I've been looking at a lot of pornography if I was also drawing. But for some reason, I'm seriously anxious about drawing and I'm using pornography as an outlet for that stress. So when all is said and done, I either have no time left to draw or no energy for it. I recently read a self-help book titled Freedom From Self Sabotage which helped me understand the nature of my bad behavior, but I haven't changed my habits in the least. I hate myself for wasting this opportunity to draw and be creative without any outside distractions.
At the end of this week I'm going up to visit my wife in NJ for the weekend. I honestly would be just as happy staying at home and at least trying to accomplish something. It seems like a fairly expensive booty call overall. But she's really excited about me visiting, and it is good to feel needed. We are planning to do some things that I want to do, like see a favorite comedian perform in NYC and drive around the town where I grew up in NJ, so I am looking forward to it also.
She and I have talked on the phone every day and have been sending text messages here and there. She hasn't been asking me much about what I've been doing. I guess that's good because I don't have much to tell her, but I wonder if she's even interested. I'm afraid I sound bored when I talk to her. I do miss her, but I hate talking on the phone.
Last night she pleasantly surprised me with a naughty cell phone photo of her naked backside. It was completely her idea, I didn't prompt it any way, and it made me so happy. It might seem silly, but I found it incredibly thoughtful on her part. For the moment, I felt like she understood where I'm at. I think she and I both would be happier if I was looking at pictures of her over anyone else. Of course, I insisted that she send another photo immediately, but she only let me have the one. So I told her that I need a daily photo while she is away and she agreed. How awesome is that? I can't wait!
Last month she had a really strange cycle where all of the signs that we use to chart her fertile and infertile phases were too sporadic for us to delineate the end of one phase and the beginning of another. Our only recourse was to wait until she had her period to know that we could have sex after then.
She was so frustrated about it. I appreciate that she really looks forward to the times when we can have sex, that is great, I obviously do, too, but there's no use in getting so aggrivated over something you have little or no control over, like your waking body temperature. She makes it seem like the NFP chart of her cycle restricts us from expressing ourselves sexually, when it only restricts when we can have full-on intercourse.
Much as I'd like to and try to instigate it, we don't fool around much when she is in her fertile phase. Where I'm just as happy getting stimulated in some other way, she just wants to fuck and anything else pales in comparison for her. I know what you're thinking, and I'm really no slouch when it comes to stimulating her other ways, too. I promise you, I'm experienced, attentive and patient, and I don't hear any complaints.
Around that time she was really getting on my nerves in so many little ways. She still hadn't been notified of when she would get her 3 weeks of sales training in NJ. That meant that she was getting paid to sit around at home, and every day she was stressing about it. She's under a year-long contract so she can't be fired. Here she started a job with essentially 3 months of paid vacation and she couldn't just relax and fucking enjoy it.
What's more, it seemed like anything to do with my visiting my family, be it my brother and his wife and kids, or my parents, was something for her to complain about. And my parents aren't really that difficult. My Mom always goes out of her way to please everyone. Anytime we visit it means we'll probably eat a favorite meal (of mine or my wife) and we'll go home with extra dessert or cookies. Torture!
On top of that, it seemed like my wife was constantly reporting one ailment after another. It seemed to be happening so often that I suggested she might have some unconscious attachment to not feeling well, which, by the way, is a great way to start an argument. I know I sound like an asshole here, but I'm generally caring toward her, I ask if there is anything I can do to help, anything I can bring home, but after a while it just brings you down to live with someone who never seems to be healthy and satisfied with life. It frustrates me when there is nothing I can do to fix the problem outside of small empty gestures.
Anyway, I was wrong, and the crumby chart was foreboding. As the weeks progressed, she started to get migraine headaches. She'd have them in groups, day after day, where previously she was just getting one occasionally during her period. The symptoms progressed until she started to feel numb on one side of her body. It freaked us both out so we went to the emergency room. She was admitted to the hospital and was kept under observation for two days.
I stayed with her the entire time that she was in the hospital, sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner, and running home every so often to let our dogs out and feed them. I was nothing but calm and supportive and tried to bring her something to make her more comfortable each time I returned. She had an IV in her arm, so I enjoyed the opportunity to help her take a shower. They determined that the numbness was just part of the "aura" of her headache, but they gave her some new medication to take that might actually eliminate her migraine headaches all together. We were both relieved when she was released to go to go home.
Shortly before she went into the hospital, she was given the dates for her training in NJ. At last. I was really looking forward to the time alone. I do love my wife, but I think I appreciate our time apart more than she does. I really need her companionship, but sometimes she talks so much about so many superficial things, I just stop listening. And having her away means I don't have to make dinner on any sort of normal schedule. The prospect of a good 3 weeks alone made me very (unrealistically) optimistic about what I could accomplish while she was away.
All this time with her not feeling well, having a messed up NFP chart and little interest in non-fucking sexual acts, combined with my overall lack of self control, has kept me leaning heavily on the pornography crutch. Even while I feel pretty bored with it. The good news is that I've lost all interest in playing SecondLife, so I don't waste a lot time there anymore. I tried voice chatting with someone over it some time ago, like phone sex, and it didn't do much for me. Now it's demystified and I know it to be really awkward and stupid.
Knowing that my wife would be away for a while, I've gotten fixated on the idea of going to a strip club, since I've never been to one before. Part of me thinks it would be exciting and good for me to try something I've never done before. Another part of me thinks it wouldn't be all that great. I'd probably feel really self-conscious and wouldn't be turned on at all. I don't think the reality of the situation would compare with the fantasy. At the moment, I'm successfully putting it out of my head.
So my wife has been up in NJ for a week now. I've barely accomplished anything that I wanted to, like cleaning up around the house or drawing. I haven't played a single video game, though, and I did prepare one piece of artwork for assembly. I'm just waiting on a tool in the mail that will allow me to finish it. I also have spend some quality time with my family. So it hasn't been a total waste. But needless to say, I've been binging on downloading pornography and now I'm feeling kind of low. I deleted everything from my computer again, but I also need to put my DVDs well out of reach.
I still feel like I have no idea how to reconcile my strong sexual desire. Should I focus all my sexual attention on my wife instead of pornography, or would that just set me up for more rejection and frustration? Should I try to stay away from pornography at all costs, or should I just accept that it's inevitable and try limit the amount of time I waste on it? Should I try to avoid being alone so that I won't have the opportunity to look at pornography, or is that avoiding the real issue, which is a lack of self control? Should I be open with my wife about it, or will that just wreck whatever progress our sex life has made?
I probably wouldn't even mind the fact that I've been looking at a lot of pornography if I was also drawing. But for some reason, I'm seriously anxious about drawing and I'm using pornography as an outlet for that stress. So when all is said and done, I either have no time left to draw or no energy for it. I recently read a self-help book titled Freedom From Self Sabotage which helped me understand the nature of my bad behavior, but I haven't changed my habits in the least. I hate myself for wasting this opportunity to draw and be creative without any outside distractions.
At the end of this week I'm going up to visit my wife in NJ for the weekend. I honestly would be just as happy staying at home and at least trying to accomplish something. It seems like a fairly expensive booty call overall. But she's really excited about me visiting, and it is good to feel needed. We are planning to do some things that I want to do, like see a favorite comedian perform in NYC and drive around the town where I grew up in NJ, so I am looking forward to it also.
She and I have talked on the phone every day and have been sending text messages here and there. She hasn't been asking me much about what I've been doing. I guess that's good because I don't have much to tell her, but I wonder if she's even interested. I'm afraid I sound bored when I talk to her. I do miss her, but I hate talking on the phone.
Last night she pleasantly surprised me with a naughty cell phone photo of her naked backside. It was completely her idea, I didn't prompt it any way, and it made me so happy. It might seem silly, but I found it incredibly thoughtful on her part. For the moment, I felt like she understood where I'm at. I think she and I both would be happier if I was looking at pictures of her over anyone else. Of course, I insisted that she send another photo immediately, but she only let me have the one. So I told her that I need a daily photo while she is away and she agreed. How awesome is that? I can't wait!
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