Best Wishes

I made all of the preparations, but I'm not going to do it. I went to the grocery store earlier in the week and got cash back with my purchase so I would have dollar bills. I took tomorrow off from work incase I would be out late tonight. I got the directions and found out all that I could about the place, but I'm not going to a strip club tonight.

I've already spent the last three afternoons indulging in so much porn, I feel a little low. Only because there are more useful things I could have done with my free time. I've already wasted a lot of time on adult entertainment, I don't need to start wasting money, too. What I really want is sex with a beautiful girl, and everything else that is bought and sold just pales in comparison.

My moods change like tropical weather I know, but tonight I don't want to be patronized by a half-naked girl who's only friendly with me for my money. That's for the really pathetic guys who have never had sex with a beautiful woman. I would like to have the experience of going to a strip joint before I die, but not under these circumstances. Not while I have no buddies who will go with me. I wouldn't want my wife to be deceitful while we're apart, so I shouldn't be either.

I wish for so many things. I wish my sexual desire weren't so strong, or so disproportionate to that of my wife. I wish she recognized it, understood it, and always wanted to satisfy it. I wish she would condition me like a docile animal and fuck me for good behavior, rather than leaving me lost in the maze. I do poorly and get nothing, I do well and get nothing. I do exceptionally well and still get nothing. Then I get a reward not knowing how or why.

I wish my sex life didn't account for such a large portion of my happiness. I wish she truly found me irresistable like I find her. I wish she took the same pleasure in making me happy. If I asked her, she would say that she does. But that's not always my experience.

I wish my moods were more consistent. I wish my resolve would stick, when I resolve not to feel sorry for myself anymore, or when I resolve not to let our sexual differences constantly bother me. I wish I focussed all of my energy on creative work. I wish it felt easy to be open with my wife. I wish she wanted me to be. She would say that she does, but she doesn't ask me to be.

Home Alone

I left work early to drive my wife to the airport. It was in the middle of rush hour so between the drive home from work, to the airport and then back home again, I was on the road for three and half hours. The stop and go traffic was driving me mad. Once I got home, I looked ravenously at porn on the Internet. Over the years I've saved plenty of porn and accumulated a small stash of DVDs, but it's never quite as interesting as new porn. A good part of the excitement is the hunt. I looked at photos and videos for hours. I couldn't get enough. I was so ready to pay for a ten minute live webcam personal strip show. I could pay for it through SecondLife so my wife would never know. The girl never came online, though. I was so disappointed. She looked so hot, I doubt she really does webcam shows. It may just be a scheme.

All frustrations aside, I already miss my wife's companionship. I just miss the sense of her presence in the house. Most of what she talks about is so uninteresting to me. She tells me all about people I've never met, about bands and musicians she knows I don't like, about the pharmaceuticals she sells and the doctors with whom she meets for her job. Sometimes I am glad to have her talk to me because I don't have anything to say. Most of the time I wish she would only tell me entertaining things and things I need to know. I usually wish I had more to tell her, but my life is very uninteresting and I don't do much to change that. Having her in the house means there will be things for me to do, though, so I'm not missing that. I had beer for dinner last night and coffee for breakfast, because no one needs me to make meals. I don't treat myself well without a partner around, but I seriously enjoy the freedom.

So Bad

I'm going to be so bad. I'm driving my wife to the airport today and once she's gone, I'm going to be bad. She has a three day business meeting in Key Largo and I can't wait to be alone. We haven't fooled around in so long. Last weekend her parents visited. I doubted that we'd have any fun with them keeping us busy and, as expected, we didn't. I was hopeful during the week, though, but still nothing happened. I tried to get her turned on one night and she just wouldn't have it. But on Saturday morning, she told me that she had wanted to have sex all week, she was just too tired. I said, "You should tell me that during the week so I don't get so frustrated." She acted surprised. Apparently she didn't know I was frustrated. She told me that I can control how I feel. I said, "Yeah, I can, but I think that the reason why I feel frustrated is legitimate." If all it takes to be happy is to will yourself to feel delighted despite the circumstances, why bother fucking? Why bother having a relationship? Just pretend you're living the life you always dreamed of.

I admit, I haven't been communicating how I feel. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I shouldn't fucking have to. I should not have to constantly remind my wife to stop thinking about herself, her life and her problems for long enough to consider how I might be feeling. I always know where she is. I know when she's hungry and when she's tired. When she wants to be left alone. She doesn't have to tell me. That's my fucking job as her husband, to be attentive. It really doesn't take much effort.

For fuck's sake, she doesn't even have to be around me to understand where I'm at. It's pretty simple. If I haven't just finished having sex with her, I would like to have sex with her. If I haven't had sex with her in several days, I'm starting to get frustrated, and I don't care about what she's saying. I wonder if it's something I said or did and if she's punishing me. If I haven't had sex with her in a fairly long time, I'm starting to question the purpose of being in a relationship. I feel stupid for caring about the things that are important to her, and I wonder if I wouldn't be happier if she wasn't around.

It's not meant to sound cruel or uncaring, it's just the honest truth. Sex is important to me. I look forward to it. It's rewarding. It makes life worth living. It validates the things that I do to try and be a good husband. When my wife doesn't show interest in having sex with me, it feels like she's telling me I'm not good enough. I'm not worth the little bit of effort. I'm not desirable. And it makes me indignant because I believe I am a good husband. I believe I am attractive and she's just taking me for granted.

So I think I'm ready to go to a strip club. I've never been to one. While my wife is away this week, I think I might just go.