Best Wishes

I made all of the preparations, but I'm not going to do it. I went to the grocery store earlier in the week and got cash back with my purchase so I would have dollar bills. I took tomorrow off from work incase I would be out late tonight. I got the directions and found out all that I could about the place, but I'm not going to a strip club tonight.

I've already spent the last three afternoons indulging in so much porn, I feel a little low. Only because there are more useful things I could have done with my free time. I've already wasted a lot of time on adult entertainment, I don't need to start wasting money, too. What I really want is sex with a beautiful girl, and everything else that is bought and sold just pales in comparison.

My moods change like tropical weather I know, but tonight I don't want to be patronized by a half-naked girl who's only friendly with me for my money. That's for the really pathetic guys who have never had sex with a beautiful woman. I would like to have the experience of going to a strip joint before I die, but not under these circumstances. Not while I have no buddies who will go with me. I wouldn't want my wife to be deceitful while we're apart, so I shouldn't be either.

I wish for so many things. I wish my sexual desire weren't so strong, or so disproportionate to that of my wife. I wish she recognized it, understood it, and always wanted to satisfy it. I wish she would condition me like a docile animal and fuck me for good behavior, rather than leaving me lost in the maze. I do poorly and get nothing, I do well and get nothing. I do exceptionally well and still get nothing. Then I get a reward not knowing how or why.

I wish my sex life didn't account for such a large portion of my happiness. I wish she truly found me irresistable like I find her. I wish she took the same pleasure in making me happy. If I asked her, she would say that she does. But that's not always my experience.

I wish my moods were more consistent. I wish my resolve would stick, when I resolve not to feel sorry for myself anymore, or when I resolve not to let our sexual differences constantly bother me. I wish I focussed all of my energy on creative work. I wish it felt easy to be open with my wife. I wish she wanted me to be. She would say that she does, but she doesn't ask me to be.