So Bad

I'm going to be so bad. I'm driving my wife to the airport today and once she's gone, I'm going to be bad. She has a three day business meeting in Key Largo and I can't wait to be alone. We haven't fooled around in so long. Last weekend her parents visited. I doubted that we'd have any fun with them keeping us busy and, as expected, we didn't. I was hopeful during the week, though, but still nothing happened. I tried to get her turned on one night and she just wouldn't have it. But on Saturday morning, she told me that she had wanted to have sex all week, she was just too tired. I said, "You should tell me that during the week so I don't get so frustrated." She acted surprised. Apparently she didn't know I was frustrated. She told me that I can control how I feel. I said, "Yeah, I can, but I think that the reason why I feel frustrated is legitimate." If all it takes to be happy is to will yourself to feel delighted despite the circumstances, why bother fucking? Why bother having a relationship? Just pretend you're living the life you always dreamed of.

I admit, I haven't been communicating how I feel. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I shouldn't fucking have to. I should not have to constantly remind my wife to stop thinking about herself, her life and her problems for long enough to consider how I might be feeling. I always know where she is. I know when she's hungry and when she's tired. When she wants to be left alone. She doesn't have to tell me. That's my fucking job as her husband, to be attentive. It really doesn't take much effort.

For fuck's sake, she doesn't even have to be around me to understand where I'm at. It's pretty simple. If I haven't just finished having sex with her, I would like to have sex with her. If I haven't had sex with her in several days, I'm starting to get frustrated, and I don't care about what she's saying. I wonder if it's something I said or did and if she's punishing me. If I haven't had sex with her in a fairly long time, I'm starting to question the purpose of being in a relationship. I feel stupid for caring about the things that are important to her, and I wonder if I wouldn't be happier if she wasn't around.

It's not meant to sound cruel or uncaring, it's just the honest truth. Sex is important to me. I look forward to it. It's rewarding. It makes life worth living. It validates the things that I do to try and be a good husband. When my wife doesn't show interest in having sex with me, it feels like she's telling me I'm not good enough. I'm not worth the little bit of effort. I'm not desirable. And it makes me indignant because I believe I am a good husband. I believe I am attractive and she's just taking me for granted.

So I think I'm ready to go to a strip club. I've never been to one. While my wife is away this week, I think I might just go.