Home Sick

So the next cell phone photo I received from my wife had her making a kissy face. How disappointing. I was looking forward to it all day and that was it. Yes, it was a nice gesture, she didn't have to send me anything, but the first photo wasn't exactly cutesy, it was hot and sexy.

She sent two more photos over the next two days and they were much more in line with what I was after. They turned me on a lot. Then I didn't need any more photos because it was Friday and time to fly up to visit her in person.

The flight from Jacksonville to New York was short, but involved so many other short trips in cars, shuttle buses, and airport monorails, it took almost 7 hours to get to her. It felt familiar. It reminded me of the time I visited a girlfriend in college who decided to spend a semester in England. On one hand it's nice to be missed, but then I've never had anyone go through so much trouble to visit me.

But then she teared up when I walked in her hotel room and the hectic trip and all of the little superficial frustrations of living with another person disappeared. Somebody loves me very much and I love her very much, too. I felt so appreciated, and more special than my nephews make me feel when they fight for my attention.

So nice having sex! With her erratic NFP chart, her hospital stay, and then this business trip, I think it was almost a month since we last had sex. She thinks she's put on a little weight since she's been away, but her body looked fantastic to me. We went into New York City on Saturday, then to my hometown on Sunday, and I don't think we argued about a thing. We only got to make love twice. I was hoping we'd have one last go before I needed to leave on Sunday, but I came down with a cold and felt completely worn out.

I've been back home four days now, still fighting off this cold. She's still up at training and finally gets to come home tomorrow. I haven't gotten any more sexy cell phone photos from her, but all the same, this cold has killed my sexual desire. I'm actually disinterested in looking at pornography. I just want to sleep until I feel better.

Pleasantly Surprised

So it's been two months since my last post here. Some interesting events have happened, but as far as I and my wife are concerned, we're still the same. I'm still the same. She's still the same.

Last month she had a really strange cycle where all of the signs that we use to chart her fertile and infertile phases were too sporadic for us to delineate the end of one phase and the beginning of another. Our only recourse was to wait until she had her period to know that we could have sex after then.

She was so frustrated about it. I appreciate that she really looks forward to the times when we can have sex, that is great, I obviously do, too, but there's no use in getting so aggrivated over something you have little or no control over, like your waking body temperature. She makes it seem like the NFP chart of her cycle restricts us from expressing ourselves sexually, when it only restricts when we can have full-on intercourse.

Much as I'd like to and try to instigate it, we don't fool around much when she is in her fertile phase. Where I'm just as happy getting stimulated in some other way, she just wants to fuck and anything else pales in comparison for her. I know what you're thinking, and I'm really no slouch when it comes to stimulating her other ways, too. I promise you, I'm experienced, attentive and patient, and I don't hear any complaints.

Around that time she was really getting on my nerves in so many little ways. She still hadn't been notified of when she would get her 3 weeks of sales training in NJ. That meant that she was getting paid to sit around at home, and every day she was stressing about it. She's under a year-long contract so she can't be fired. Here she started a job with essentially 3 months of paid vacation and she couldn't just relax and fucking enjoy it.

What's more, it seemed like anything to do with my visiting my family, be it my brother and his wife and kids, or my parents, was something for her to complain about. And my parents aren't really that difficult. My Mom always goes out of her way to please everyone. Anytime we visit it means we'll probably eat a favorite meal (of mine or my wife) and we'll go home with extra dessert or cookies. Torture!

On top of that, it seemed like my wife was constantly reporting one ailment after another. It seemed to be happening so often that I suggested she might have some unconscious attachment to not feeling well, which, by the way, is a great way to start an argument. I know I sound like an asshole here, but I'm generally caring toward her, I ask if there is anything I can do to help, anything I can bring home, but after a while it just brings you down to live with someone who never seems to be healthy and satisfied with life. It frustrates me when there is nothing I can do to fix the problem outside of small empty gestures.

Anyway, I was wrong, and the crumby chart was foreboding. As the weeks progressed, she started to get migraine headaches. She'd have them in groups, day after day, where previously she was just getting one occasionally during her period. The symptoms progressed until she started to feel numb on one side of her body. It freaked us both out so we went to the emergency room. She was admitted to the hospital and was kept under observation for two days.

I stayed with her the entire time that she was in the hospital, sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner, and running home every so often to let our dogs out and feed them. I was nothing but calm and supportive and tried to bring her something to make her more comfortable each time I returned. She had an IV in her arm, so I enjoyed the opportunity to help her take a shower. They determined that the numbness was just part of the "aura" of her headache, but they gave her some new medication to take that might actually eliminate her migraine headaches all together. We were both relieved when she was released to go to go home.

Shortly before she went into the hospital, she was given the dates for her training in NJ. At last. I was really looking forward to the time alone. I do love my wife, but I think I appreciate our time apart more than she does. I really need her companionship, but sometimes she talks so much about so many superficial things, I just stop listening. And having her away means I don't have to make dinner on any sort of normal schedule. The prospect of a good 3 weeks alone made me very (unrealistically) optimistic about what I could accomplish while she was away.

All this time with her not feeling well, having a messed up NFP chart and little interest in non-fucking sexual acts, combined with my overall lack of self control, has kept me leaning heavily on the pornography crutch. Even while I feel pretty bored with it. The good news is that I've lost all interest in playing SecondLife, so I don't waste a lot time there anymore. I tried voice chatting with someone over it some time ago, like phone sex, and it didn't do much for me. Now it's demystified and I know it to be really awkward and stupid.

Knowing that my wife would be away for a while, I've gotten fixated on the idea of going to a strip club, since I've never been to one before. Part of me thinks it would be exciting and good for me to try something I've never done before. Another part of me thinks it wouldn't be all that great. I'd probably feel really self-conscious and wouldn't be turned on at all. I don't think the reality of the situation would compare with the fantasy. At the moment, I'm successfully putting it out of my head.

So my wife has been up in NJ for a week now. I've barely accomplished anything that I wanted to, like cleaning up around the house or drawing. I haven't played a single video game, though, and I did prepare one piece of artwork for assembly. I'm just waiting on a tool in the mail that will allow me to finish it. I also have spend some quality time with my family. So it hasn't been a total waste. But needless to say, I've been binging on downloading pornography and now I'm feeling kind of low. I deleted everything from my computer again, but I also need to put my DVDs well out of reach.

I still feel like I have no idea how to reconcile my strong sexual desire. Should I focus all my sexual attention on my wife instead of pornography, or would that just set me up for more rejection and frustration? Should I try to stay away from pornography at all costs, or should I just accept that it's inevitable and try limit the amount of time I waste on it? Should I try to avoid being alone so that I won't have the opportunity to look at pornography, or is that avoiding the real issue, which is a lack of self control? Should I be open with my wife about it, or will that just wreck whatever progress our sex life has made?

I probably wouldn't even mind the fact that I've been looking at a lot of pornography if I was also drawing. But for some reason, I'm seriously anxious about drawing and I'm using pornography as an outlet for that stress. So when all is said and done, I either have no time left to draw or no energy for it. I recently read a self-help book titled Freedom From Self Sabotage which helped me understand the nature of my bad behavior, but I haven't changed my habits in the least. I hate myself for wasting this opportunity to draw and be creative without any outside distractions.

At the end of this week I'm going up to visit my wife in NJ for the weekend. I honestly would be just as happy staying at home and at least trying to accomplish something. It seems like a fairly expensive booty call overall. But she's really excited about me visiting, and it is good to feel needed. We are planning to do some things that I want to do, like see a favorite comedian perform in NYC and drive around the town where I grew up in NJ, so I am looking forward to it also.

She and I have talked on the phone every day and have been sending text messages here and there. She hasn't been asking me much about what I've been doing. I guess that's good because I don't have much to tell her, but I wonder if she's even interested. I'm afraid I sound bored when I talk to her. I do miss her, but I hate talking on the phone.

Last night she pleasantly surprised me with a naughty cell phone photo of her naked backside. It was completely her idea, I didn't prompt it any way, and it made me so happy. It might seem silly, but I found it incredibly thoughtful on her part. For the moment, I felt like she understood where I'm at. I think she and I both would be happier if I was looking at pictures of her over anyone else. Of course, I insisted that she send another photo immediately, but she only let me have the one. So I told her that I need a daily photo while she is away and she agreed. How awesome is that? I can't wait!

Status Quo

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Free Time

Things have been, I guess, the usual. My wife was sick for a while, had no interest in fooling around whatsoever. It was OK though, I wasn't much in the mood either. Work was frustrating last week as I was working 10 hour days in order to have Friday off. But there hasn't been much that needs doing, so it's been longer days with less to do. I get bored, but I don't use the time wisely, I just pass the day wasting time and that just makes me more aggrivated.

Meanwhile the wife has started her new job, but since she's working from home she's mostly been studying training materials. Her job will include a bit of travel, so I think to get the new employees used to that idea, her company puts all their new reps up in a local hotel for a few nights. In her case, she's staying at a nice hotel in Jacksonville, about an hour away from home.

Last night was the first night. I was looking forward to the time to myself, but she wanted us have dinner together up there and I wanted to be supportive of her new job. But also, she's just about kicked her cold, right as she's hit the infertile phase of her cycle, so there was nothing stopping us from having some nookie in her hotel room.

It was a nice sort of date, we ate at a decent restaurant. Sex seems funny when it's so contrived. When we got back to the room it felt like I was waiting and it felt like she knew I was waiting. And after waiting the while through her fertile phase, the first time we have sex in each new cycle always seems somehow unspectacular. It's great because it's sex, but it's not the best sex.

So she told me that she had more studying to do so it had to be something of a quickie. Not easy to be in the moment when you're watching the clock. And foreplay pretty much involved her lying on her back while I smooched and groped her naughty bits until she said she was ready. I don't think she would have put any effort into it at all if I didn't ask her to be on top halfway through. It still seemed like she was enjoying herself, but I was tired. Right about when she was really enjoying herself, I was out of breath. All the same, you've got to love having hotel room sex.

Once I left to go home, it was finally my time and I was desperate to do something deviant. I wanted to find an ATM to get some cash and then go buy some porn. But it was already 11 pm when I left the hotel. By the time I got to the porno shop, it was closed. I drove home thinking about all of the other things I could do. I was hungry enough that I would have gone to a strip club if I'd passed one. But I just went home, started surfing porn on the Internet, bought a subscription to another porn website and stayed up until 2:30 in the morning.

When the alarm went off I was dead. I snoozed it at least five times. But once I was up I went straight back to the computer. I got ready fast and went to work. Then when I had a meeting near my house, I drove home and looked at more porn on my lunchbreak. I haven't eaten anything all day.

My wife called a little while ago and invited me up for dinner again. I told her I wanted to take a nap when I got home and she said I could come up after then. If she wants to fool around again, there's no way I'll be able to stay hard.

Dread

Earlier this week I wanted a beer with dinner, but we didn't have any in the house. We did have liquor, so I decided to make a mixed drink. I asked my wife if she wanted something too, and she did. While I was making it she asked if I was trying to get her drunk. I said, "Why would I want to do that? Alcohol doesn't make you loose, it just makes you tired. Besides, we have enough sex as it is."

She acted surprised and said, "Do you really think so?" I have been expressing that I've wanted to have more sex for quite a while, but that's not how I'm feeling these days.

I said, "I see it like this. If you look at our last 3 NFP charts, we have sex about 5 times each cycle. So we have sex about once a week on average."

She agreed, but surprised me when she said, "Well, I'd still like to have more sex." I asked her if she wanted to have sex 6 times during this cycle, and she said yes. So it's like we have a quota now. And we've only had sex twice so far.

I think there's a real discrepancy between what my wife says or even thinks she wants and what she actually does. In reality my wife only initiates sex once we've gone to bed for the night. And I can't stand having such a predictable sex life. That wrecks the anticipation which I say is just as important as the sex itself.

So she had an appointment to get her hair done on Wednesday night so I had some time alone at home. I logged in to SecondLife and wanted to have virtual sex with someone, but I ended up just chatting with some loser. It was boring. Thursday night I looked at some pornography on the computer, but didn't have much time to myself before my wife got home.

The last time we had sex was on Tuesday night. If I haven't had sex or masturbated in a few days, sometimes I'll have a sex dream while I'm sleeping. I did last night, but it involved another woman. It wasn't anyone I know, but in the dream someone was going to tell my wife what I'd done and I was overwhelmed with dread. It was so real that I was deeply relieved when I woke up and realized that I hadn't done anything wrong.

I had that dream for two reasons. The most obvious reason is that adultery was a theme in a TV show we'd watched before we went to bed. But also, I'm worried about the porn website subscription charge that's going to be on our credit card statement now. A few days ago my wife asked for the password to view our statement online so she could see if another charge went through. Luckily she had trouble logging in, so I just sent her a PDF of the statement with the porn subscription charge removed. But the statement will be mailed to us very soon and I need to intercept it before she sees it. I signed up to stop receiving paper statements but the confirmation said it may take up to 2 months for the paper statements to stop coming in the mail.

Stop Complaining

I've been complaining too much. Things aren't really so awful with my sex life. Looking at it objectively, I'm having sex more regularly now than I ever have. I can see my attitude is starting to change, and I hope it stays. I'm very proud of my wife, she's accomplished a lot in the last few weeks, and what's she's accomplished will help both of us a good deal.

First, she's gotten a new job where she'll be making a lot more money. She'll have a company car, gas paid for by the company, a new laptop and a new cell phone. She won't have to go into an office, and she'll have greater freedom to manage her own time, so I expect she'll be happier overall. She even won a contest at her current company that will give us a free stay at the most expensive hotel in town. The contest involved giving a short presentation about the company's products and she did it better than any of the other sales reps in the region.

There was a time when I honestly felt like she was getting to be more trouble than she was worth. She seemed down and out, and was devoting all of her time and attention to adoring some crappy band and their website message boards. She was putting no effort into our sex life and always seemed to prioritize other interests over our relationship. All throughout her life she's been an overachiever, but it was clear that the job she had was making her feel unsuccessful and seriously damaging her self-esteem. But she's turned everything around now, and I realize that I'm with someone very special.

But I've still been struggling to deal with my sex drive. Where on Thursday night I felt indignant when she apathetically rolled onto her belly to let me get off, I was so hungry for sex on Saturday morning that I couldn't take it anymore. Try as I might, I couldn't get her aroused enough to give or receive oral sex, so when she lied on her stomach, I used her like a cheap sex toy. I took my time and rubbed my cock against her ass until I was good and satisfied. Where her disinterest in sex typically aggrivates me, it can also turn me on a good deal, too.

So her parents and brother visited our house this weekend. Her mom can be seriously obnoxious, and though I get along OK with all of them, I don't always enjoy having them around.My mother-in-law is constantly talking at full volume and blaming my father-in-law for every little thing. And my wife's family takes forever to go and do anything. Having them around meant I couldn't look at pornography on my computer, though, so it was good for me to be forced into a reprieve.

One of the places we went this weekend was a big outdoor mall. My brother-in-law and I went in the Barnes and Noble and I found a thick hardcover book of Playboy Magazine illustrations and cartoons in the discount section. I wanted to get it, but I didn't want my wife's family asking about it so I resolved to pick it up on Monday. My father has a subscription to Playboy Magazine when I was a kid, and he didn't hide them well at all, so I grew up admiring the artists who were featured in the magazine, among other things.

A lot of what I have been drawing recently have been girls, and I'm always trying to simplify and stylize them like Shane Glines or any of the Playboy illustrators that I grew up with. The book seemed like the perfect reference material for me, so I drove up to get it on my lunchbreak yesterday. The mall was so far away, though, that it took almost 2 hours to get there and back. Walking back into the office I felt lame. I felt like I'd let my desire get in the way of more important responsibilities. I should have gone after work. All the same, my boss didn't say anything to me about it. I don't think he even noticed how long I was gone.

By Sunday night, my wife was in the infertile phase of her cycle so we were free to have sex once her family went home. When we got in bed, she turned out the light and then she pulled me on top of her. I thought about how don't like having sex in the dark and how I prefer at least a little foreplay. But then I thought, "Who cares? We're having sex!" I put it out of my head and focussed on enjoying myself.

Usually when we're having sex I like focussing on her pleasure and making her cum, but I know it's easier for both of us to think about someone else when the lights are out. She knows I don't like it and that I feel more connected with her when we can look one another in the eyes. So I fucked her good and hard, and we came together like we typically do. Afterward she said she would probably be sore the next day and I said, "Sorry, was that too hard?"

I still haven't had much of a chance to open those big movie clips I downloaded with my porn site subscription, so I watched some when I got home from work yesterday. I had about twenty minutes to myself before she got home, and I was kind of glad I didn't waste too much time with them. I wish I didn't want or need porn at all, but if I do, I don't want it to be a big part of my life.

Lost Cause

This is always the part of her cycle that makes me crazy. She's in the fertile phase, so we can't have sex, and we just don't seem to connect on weekdays. Predictably, I woke up in the middle of the night on Wednesday night. I was hard as a rock and trying to wake her was pointless. Thursday morning I told her that I needed some lovin' and she said she did, too. The difference being that I meant what I said whereas she was just blowing smoke.

Every week or so I try to visit my brother's house to spend time with my two nephews. Typically my wife complains that I won't be home to make dinner for her. She's always invited to join me for the visit, but in that case she just complains about the food at my brother's house instead. Sometimes I leave my brother's house before they have dinner and my wife seems to appreciate that. I was going to visit my nephews last night so I told my wife that I would be home for dinner at our house. She said she had a big lunch and it was okay with her if I wanted to stay for dinner, so I did. Either she was trying to do something nice for me and let me hang out as long as I wanted, or she was looking forward to the time alone.

Once I got home, she was playing on the Wii like I expected she had been most of the evening. I brought home a second controller and new games, but she kept at what she was playing. I did some laundry and then started downloading the rest of the movies from the porn site to which I had subscribed. It was a conscious response to her lack of attention.

When we went to bed she massaged my neck a bit since I told her it had been bothering me all day. I'd thought it was from playing tennis on the Wii, but I realized that she'd slipped her arm under my pillow the night before and I slept with it there for most of the night. It was uncomfortable at the time, but I didn't realize it would make my neck hurt all day yesterday.

Yet again I woke up hard last night and tried to stir her to fool around. I ran my hands across her body, and pressed myself against her. I could tell she wasn't interested. And it's not as though I wasn't planning on giving her an orgasm first anyway. I turned away from her. She hates it when I turn my back to her in bed. She told me that she was sorry and that she'd just woken up from a bad dream. Was I supposed to feel guilty? I joked, "Nothing will make you feel better like a big donut." You know, donuts are shaped like an O and orgasm starts with O. She still wasn't going for it.

Then she laid flat on her belly. I didn't know this was for my sake. When I didn't climb on her to thrust my cock against her ass she said in a frsutrated tone, "Well if you're going to do it, just do it." Oh, the passion! Forget that. I've had sex with Ziploc bags, but even I don't want a mercy lay of that magnitude, let alone one without penetration. I said, "That's not exactly the level of participation I was hoping for," and we both went back to sleep.

And I proceeded to watch one of the pornographic videos I downloaded in the morning while she was still asleep. That is exactly the kind of situation where I think pornography is doing me a great service, because if I didn't get off this morning I would still be angry with her right now. Thanks to pornography, I'm just bitter instead.

It absolutely takes two to have a good sex life, I know that, but I also know I'm not the one who says one thing and then does another. And comparing male and female sexuality may be like comparing apples to a Rube Goldberg contraptions, but if she came on to me now I would stop what the fuck I was doing and, I don't know, make her feel more important unconsciousness.

She is a lost cause and I can't let it go.

I think I have yet to bitch about how often we see her freaking family, but we do, and they are plenty annoying. Her Mom is overweight and brash, with a twist of psycho. Her Dad, by contrast, is really laid back. So much so that it takes him forever to complete the simplest of tasks. He boondoggles like no one has boondoggled before. And her Mom constantly hen pecks and argues with everyone except me. I want to love them, I really do, but I always end up loving the silence I hear after they leave more. And since it has been a mere 4 weeks since we saw them last, they're coming to visit this weekend. So any hope of relaxing and enjoying the weekend has been safely dashed.

Pushing My Luck

Man, I am seriously pushing my luck. Last night while my wife was in our living room playing on our Wii, I purchased a subscription to a porn website. At first I only purchased a 3 day trial for $3, but then when I saw that the trial didn't give you full access to the site, I went ahead and paid an additional $30.

And I don't even understand why I or anyone would ever purchase pornography on the Internet. There is so much free porn available. You can download torrents of entire porn DVDs and it's a safe assumption that the industry won't come after you. But a DVD download can take an entire day on our DSL connection and it's tough to know what's worth downloading. I guess I just found something I liked and felt like I had to have it.

Once I logged into the site, I started downloading several big movies. Each was set to take more than an hour, so I just waited until after my wife went to sleep to watch them. She had asked for a back massage before bed so I gave her one that put her out like a light. Then I snuck out of the bedroom and I watched all of one video that was 30 minutes long. It turned me on so much. I would feel terrible if my wife ever caught me, but I think the possibility of that thrills me on some level.

Buying any pornography without using cash is very risky. The charge is always visible on the online statement and will also show up on the printed statement that comes in the mail. If that weren't bad enough, our credit card company called our house this morning while I was at work and suggested that there may have been some fraudulent charges made with one of our credit cards. My wife told me about it and I had to play dumb.

I have to strongly consider the idea that I subconsciously want to get caught. Maybe my sexual deviance is my way of expressing the bitterness I feel about our sex life. Or else I know I'm out of control and don't believe I'll ever break free from my porn addiction without someone else's help. Or maybe that's reading too much into my actions and I just want what I want no matter the consequences.

We came so close to fooling around last night it seemed. I was making pancakes for dinner and she was doing the dishes. I started kissing her neck and feeling her body and it seemed like she was getting turned on. I got hard and she felt my cock through my pants, but we needed to finish what we were doing. And then we didn't revisit the topic for the rest of the night. I suppose I could always stand to be more aggressive. I just think I'm good at reading her and I can tell when she's playing around and when she's truly interested.

Now that I have a purchased subscription I feel obligated to make the most of it and download every last video that turns me on. Even while a part of me wishes I could just will myself to put all of the smut far out of reach.

But now that she has a new job, she already has meeting and training sessions scheduled that will keep her away from home for a week in June and three weeks in July. That's too much free time on my hands.

The Magic of Disney

Nothing interesting has happened over the last few days. My wife and I have been getting along well. We went to DisneyWorld this weekend since it's not too far from where we live and we have seasonal passes.

We had a little argument as we were leaving the house. The details are inconsequential. We were taking our dogs to my parents' house for the weekend and she suddenly felt like the world would end if we didn't buy one of our dogs a new collar. Not a big deal, but the thing that pissed me off, which we've argued about before, is that she demands things rather than asks for them. For instance, rather than saying, "I know you want to get to Disney as soon as we can, but can we stop and get Dingo a new collar?" She says imperatively, "Where is Dingo's collar? We HAVE TO GET HER A NEW COLLAR!"

My first reaction was "NO." I wanted us to get to our campsite in Disney in time to see my brother and his wife who were also staying there, and my wife already took her sweet time packing for the trip. Plus, we already left our dogs with my parents' once before without any new collars and it made no difference. I saw that it was very important to her, but I've told her many times that she can get anything she wants from me by approaching me in the right way. But for the sake of having a nice weekend I compromised and let her go into a grocery store to find a new collar.

It doesn't happen so often, but when she is disrespectful toward me I think that I must have shown her too much adoration. I think I've complimented her too often or maybe I've touched her or kissed her in a way that's overinflated her ego. And it makes me wish I had shown her less attention, when all I've ever tried to do is set a good example, and show her the level of desire and passion I'd like to have returned to me.

So the only way I could allow myself to stop at the grocery store was to promise myself that the next time she tries to make a demand, I can't let her get what she wants or she'll always think she can get away with it.

By the time we reached the campsite, the frustration had blow over and we were playful together. The rest of the weekend was a lot of fun. She'd dropped some innuendo about oral sex when we were waiting to check in, but didn't follow through when we went to bed in our tent. We slept naked since it was pretty humid out, so by morning I was dying to fool around with her. She didn't reciprocate, but she rolled onto her belly and let me get off by thrusting my cock against her ass. It's not the best thing we can do together, but it's still better than masturbating.

How To Get There

Tuesday was our third anniversary and she completely blew my mind. Some days ago she told me she bought a matching set of underwear from Target. I hadn't seen it yet, but she wore it to bed just for me. When she walked in the room she said her stomach felt really full from dinner. I figured that was her excuse not to fool around and I kept watching TV. Then she coyly said, "I guess I'll just take this off then," which forced me to reassess the situation. I pulled her onto the bed and we promptly gave each other oral sex. It was perfect, all I ever wanted for our sex life: seductive and surprising with equal participation.

The problem with sex is that it's never enough. Having sex just makes me want more sex. Just like not having sex makes me want more sex. But having her respect my wishes all of the sudden makes it hard not to respect her own. So each night since that I've woken up in the middle of the night hard, I've just let her sleep peacefully. And I've been bad every chance I get, looking at pornography and getting off. I've been incredibly turned on by it, more than ever, but now I've got something to lose. I shouldn't push my luck.

This week and last I've been doing as little as possible at work, just passing the time and waiting for 4 o'clock so I can go home. I've hardly been working on artwork, either. Sometimes my bad habits don't phase me, but this week my self esteem is pretty low. But I don't think I'm letting that on to anyone. I think I make it difficult for others to tell when I'm not content with myself. I'm very accustomed to hiding that and I'm always aware of the difference between the person inside my head and the person I show others.

As a creative person, I think I have a need to express the truth of who I am to others, but then it has never proven useful to tell family and friends if I'm down or depressed. There's nothing they can do but call more attention to the problem, and ultimately no one else can solve the problem but me. It's better if everyone treats me like everything is normal, then I can start to feel normal again, too. In the meantime, it's helpful to write the truth here.

All through my life, to different degrees, I've had a hard time believing in myself. It's strange. On one hand, I believe I am more intelligent and more creative than most people. Work and school always affirmed that for me, so I believe that I can do anything that I set my mind to. But on the other hand, I know that I am generally shy and that I lack perseverance. It's hard for me to stick to a single objective. I'll doubt myself and I am easily distracted. I feel like I know explicitly the things I need to do to meet my goals, but I cannot drive myself to do them. It's like I don't want myself to win.

And I don't ignore the facts that I did marry a smart and beautiful girl, I do have a decent job with a decent income, and I live where I want to live. But I feel no sense of glory in my life, or that I have lived up to my potential. I've spent a good portion of my life just wishing the time away and I still do it. I'm doing it right now.

Meanwhile my wife has scored a great new job. She'll make more money and get a company car. She won't have to go into an office. It may mean that we have to move to another Florida town, we don't know yet, but that doesn't bother me much. I only like my current job because it's tolerable, and like where we live because it's close to my family and close to the beach. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of her happiness, as long as it's not at the expense of my own.

I actually had a performance evaluation today in which my boss rated me as "high effective" in all areas pertaining to my job. But that is not a token of my good work habits as much as it is my ability to deceive others about who I am. In truth, I intermittently hate my job because it doesn't challenge me and eats up too much of my time, and hate myself for not working harder to ensure that I don't end up in a job like this.

With all of the problems and addictions others have, it seems overly apparent that people need ways to escape the pressure they feel in their lives. Some use cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, exercise. I just use pornography. And yet, all of the pressure I feel in my life comes solely from me. There is no pressure from my work, or from my friends or family to do things that I can't do. And it may sound strange, when I am only 30, but every day of my life I feel like I need to create something amazing that will give my life worth, because I may die at any time without having completed my purpose. Yet I'm not absolutely certain what that purpose is. It may be to become a successful artist. Or it may be just to create artwork that I myself can be proud of.

It's odd for me to even mention a purpose when I am an atheist. I know I was not "put here" to do anything in particular. But all of the social interactions I have had in my life have produced this expectation of me, just like I felt driven to find a woman I could marry. I think it's nothing more than conditioning, and if life on Earth has any real purpose it seems to be just promoting more life on Earth either by reproducing or getting eaten. So if all I ever do is die and get eaten by worms, I think I've served my purpose. But in my mind, I believe that meeting this other purpose of becoming an artist will be a great source of peace for me. It will restore my belief in myself, and make it easier to accomplish other things in my life. It will make me more confident and make me a better husband, and even one day, a better father.

Sometimes I think I know how to get there. I think I need to put as much time as I possibly can toward developing finished pieces of art in one cohesive style. But then it seems like every other aspect of my life is a strong current in the other direction, to devote time to many other agendas. And with the free time that I do have, I have to will myself to be creative, and fight the urge to seek instant gratification. So, in truth, I don't really know how to get there, because I've felt stuck in this situation for years. And I don't think time limitations would matter if I always believed in myself.

Balance

When I was recording my wife's temperature on our Natural Family Planning chart this morning I saw that we had sex just four days ago on Thursday. We did? I barely remember it. I recall that we wrestled again Thursday night, still fighting to lick one another's noses. I took that to mean that I won when we wrestled on Wednesday night and she was just itching for a rematch. I guess we did have sex, though. I'm pretty sure I woke her up in the middle of the night, and we were both dog-tired on Friday because of it.

So she's in the fertile phase of her cycle now and we didn't fool around this weekend. I suppose that's fine. We were still plenty affectionate with one another. And we had a good amount of sex during her last cycle, but I will always want more. Such is male sexuality.

Of course, this morning and yesterday morning I was dying to rub myself against her ass. My wife's body is so curvy, when she lays on her side there is such a drop in altitude from her hips to her waist, I can't keep from sliding my hands over her contours. But she sleeps like it's her mission in life, and I know that she'd prefer to get another 15 minutes of rest over being my own personal fuck toy, so I let her sleep. But I still dreamed of her grabbing my cock, pushing her ass into me and begging for me to fuck her.

In relationships, I tend to want what I give. And something I think I give my wife is confidence in the fact that I love her body. For instance, she knows without a doubt that I love her butt, so much so that I love to smack it, grab it, pinch it, bite it, and talk about it most every time I see it. That would probably bother any other girl, but she finds it endearing. She smacks and grabs my ass, too, and I enjoy that, too.

But it's not the same when she does it to me. When I see her butt, I lust after it. It's like a call to action. I see it and I want it and I have to do something about it. I can't ignore it, I can only try to pretend that I can. When I put my arm around her warm naked body in bed, I salivate, my heart starts beating faster, and I have to fight the urge to take her. And, sure, I know it's probably unrealistic to wish that male and female sexuality would be the least bit similar. But, then again, I think anyone, male or female, would love to be so desired.

When she grabs or smacks my butt, it's sweet and it's novel, but it goes without saying that I'd much prefer my hard cock to be the object of her desire. I'd like the sight of it to make her want to touch it, stroke it, lick it, suck it and put it inside her. Even if it's just on my birthday. And maybe Christmas, too. See, if I wanted to try and turn her on, I don't really know if she wants to have sex unless she is deliberately putting out signs. And even then I have to start from scratch with getting her turned on. But if I already have a hard on, it's already apparent that I want to have sex. She has no reason to fear a possible rejection. Furthermore, I'm clearly already aroused, she doesn't have to try and put me in the mood. My mood is set.

So we had a good weekend overall, got along great, and I'm still really happy she's making more of an effort to improve our marriage. Most recently she bought herself a matching set of underwear from Target. See, she has all kinds of bras and panties and thongs, but she never seems to have or to wear matching sets. I get that she's being practical and probably wearing the ones that fit best or won't show through he clothes, but I think it's sexy for her to wear bras and panties that go together, so it's like an outfit. I've told her this in the past and she's only agreed that she'd wear whatever matching sets I bought for her. She's never taken it into consideration until now.

Even though we're doing really well, I was still really bad about looking at pornography this weekend. On Sunday morning my wife was teaching a Sunday school class for our local church, so I was home alone for 2 or 3 hours. I could have worked on something productive like finishing some drawings, but I spent the entire time looking at erotic cartoons and playing Second Life. She wanted me to meet her for the Sunday Mass at 11 o'clock and I was late getting there.

As much as I would love for my wife to lust after me, I'd be just as happy if I were as little interested in sex as she can be. I think about sex constantly and every day I am faced with the choice of either giving into my desire or fighting it. And I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. It seems like my sexuality will always be a source of conflict and the best I can hope for is a balance. These days I'm leaning too far toward intemperance and it would be good to show more self control. But tonight my wife won't be home until late.

Still Hungry

My wife was visited by her monthly friend yesterday, so it seemed like a great time to tell her how much I appreciate the effort she's been making recently. I think she was glad I brought it up. We didn't do much in the evening. She took a nap, we walked the dogs together, had dinner. We went to bed fairly early and somehow wound up in a wrestling match, trying to lick each other's noses. She wouldn't let up until we were even.

It was great hearing her laughing so much, having such a good time with me. When we were first dating I had a way of saying or doing something that would put her into fits of hysterical laughter. She still laughs a lot these days, but not to that extent. With us both working full time jobs, I think it's difficult keeping our daily lives from being incredibly mundane. Some spontaneous sparring is great for us. I don't even know who started it.

She was really having a hard time landing a lick, too. I don't believe she's weaker than I am. I would say I'm usually more willing to exert myself if heavy things need moving or dirt needs digging. But while we were wrestling she said, "It sucks that you're stronger than me." I probably returned some stupid remark, but I liked hearing her say that. Like it or not, I realize that she controls the sex in our relationship, so I enjoy hearing her acknowledge that I am dominant in other areas. Besides video games.

Since she had a headache earlier in the day, I gave her a good massage at night. It's a great excuse to rub lotion on her naked body. We do not want kids just yet, so we use Natural Family Planning to chart when she is and isn't fertile. When she is fertile and we want to have sex, we'll have oral sex, or I'll put massage lotion on her ass and rub myself against her. I sometimes think that must be a bit weird for her, but we've been doing it for years. On the other hand I once had a girlfriend who would rub herself against my leg when she was turned on, and I rather enjoyed that expression of lust. I think my wife likes that there is a way I can off with her that doesn't involve a blowjob.

So we didn't fool around last night, I didn't expect to, but I have conditioned myself to become aroused by the scent of our massage lotion. I can't smell it without wanting to fuck my wife's perfect ass and cum on the small of her back. I knew I was going to wake up hard and I did. I was too tired to get out of bed, though. We both sleep naked, she insists on it for some reason, so if she is lying on her side I love to just spoon up to her and press my cock against her ass. She sleeps pretty soundly, but often she'll roll onto her back if she feels me doing that. I don't think there is anything that disappoints me more in life than when she rolls over and lies on her back.

As aroused and I can be, as much as I feel a strong desire to have sex every single day, I still feel like porn has nothing more to offer me. For some reason, I always have to see something new. I have to see a scene or photo I've never seen before to get really turned on by pornography. Sometimes I will go on a binge of downloading movie clips and I will cum before I even watch them. The hunt is more exciting than the kill. Feeling apathetic toward pornography could be such a great thing that could help me move away from it, but something inside me wants to continue the hunt.

That is why I purchased a subscription to a cartoon porn website about a week ago. I like erotic drawings because they show idealized women and they sometimes visualize fantasies which would otherwise be impossible. But they never created my login and had to give me a refund. So I'm still hungry for something else. On the rare occassions that I have been in porno shops, almost all of the DVDs disinterest me. The girls in them look so imperfect, I end up getting something for the sake of getting something.

But now that my wife is clearly making a real effort to improve our marriage, I don't need to be tempting fate. I could easily ruin any progress we've made if she catches a glimpse of pornography on my computer or sees some unknown charge on a bank statement. I should be putting my free time toward drawing, but yesterday afternoon I felt so ravenous, I couldn't think of anything else but looking at hot female bodies and getting off. And kneading my wife's bare ass last night really only made matters worse.

So I woke up early, got ready for work and looked at some movie clips before my wife woke up. It was a blonde girl being used by a group of black guys. It felt great and finally relaxed at that moment, but just thinking about it now, I want more. I seriously need to clean off my computer again and move all of the DVDs out of reach again.

The good thing about my wife having her period is that once it's over and done with, she typically wants to have sex at least one more time before she's fertile again and we have to hold off. It may be today or may be tomorrow. Either way it is something to hope for.

Recently she has been working hard to try and get a new job. She's had a good many interviews, and tomorrow she has a second interview for a job in Daytona Beach. When I think of Daytona Beach, I think of spring break girls and strip clubs. I've never been to a strip club. I don't think it would turn me on a great deal. I bet it would make me feel kind of awkward. I don't even like the idea of going to Hooters. There aren't any strip clubs near where we live. I know there are some in Jacksonville, but I assume the girls inside aren't all that hot. I think it's safe to assume that if we end up having to move to Daytona Beach, I am going to go into a strip club some night, because I have heard that the girls there are extremely hot. And the better side of me doesn't want to be faced with the temptation.

Next Monday will be our third wedding anniversary. The traditional wedding anniversary gift is something leather. My wife is trying to learn to play the bass guitar so I got her a leather strap from her wish list. She doesn't know what to get me, so we talked about it, and I was cleared to buy her something leather which she will wear for me. I can't wait to pick something out. I would so love to get her in the habit of wearing sexy outfits. Not even in public, just for me.

Forget Everything I Said

Of course, after airing all of my marital grievances here day after day last week, my wife showed me a really good weekend. It was exactly the sort of thoughtfulness and spontaneity I've been dreaming of. Things I never thought would happen happened.

It started on Friday when we were planning to hang out at my brother's house with my parents and help babysit my two nephews with them. My wife had a rough day. As she was driving home she called me and said, "I wish we weren't going out tonight. I could really use an after work shag."

I had been planning to go straight to my brother's house after work, but I told her, "I could come home, you know." I felt like I was calling her bluff, but she was all for it, so I drove straight home. We both got in at the same time, freshened up and then jumped in the sack.

She said I had mentioned how I'd like to have sex right when we got home from work sometime. I remembered saying that when we had lunch together last week. I couldn't believe it. She heard what I wanted, remembered it, and acted on it!

On Friday morning, she'd said that she wanted to see the movie Grindhouse. I wasn't too interested in it then, but after she showed me a good time, I was happy to see the movie with her. It was really stupid. Stupid by design, but stupid all the same.

We have to drive a good distance to see a movie where we live. We saw the 11pm showing and got home at 3am. We didn't have any real plans the next day, so we slept in. Saturday we picked up around the house together.

I've been working on starting a garden on the side of our house for a while. I have a lot of seeds in the ground starting to grow. At one point, she gave me some radish seeds she came across when she was at Target. That made me really happy. There she did something for me that I didn't even ask for. I don't even care that neither of us like radishes. It meant a lot to me.

We didn't do a whole lot on Sunday either. She wanted to go to church. I'm an atheist so I really don't like going to church, but she was being really thoughtful, so I didn't mind tagging along. Sunday night I couldn't think of what to make for dinner. She suggested waffles and then made them all herself. Again, I didn't have to ask, she just did it.

If that weren't enough, I'd recently given her two massages without getting any in return. I asked for a massage and she gave me one. To top it off, we had sex again Sunday night! It wasn't the same old thing either. Almost always I'm the one getting her turned on, but she hit me with some foreplay! It was so nice.

Come Monday morning I felt like everything in my life was right. I looked at our NFP chart and we've had more sex recently than we've had in months. And for so long I've been eyeballing every pretty lady that passes by, but driving into work at last I felt free of that desire. I want to tell her how much I appreciate everything, but I haven't found the right opportunity yet.

Hot Coffee

So I just went for coffee with my wife since she was in town. I told her I was sure that she was going to jump my bones last night but she didn't. She said she wanted to but she was too tired. I said she should have told me, and jokingly added that she could have described in intimate details how she was planning to do it.

Being "too tired" is an excuse she's really worn out. There's a simple and obvious solution and that's having sex before it gets too late in the evening, just like I would prefer it. She wasn't too tired to read her book, play with the dogs, walk the dogs, do the dishes or watch TV. There was no use in arguing about it while we're at work, so I let it go.

She asked if I wanted to go and see the movie "Grindhouse" tonight. I'm sure she knows I think it's stupid and have no real interest in seeing it. But I like going to the movies for the sake of getting out and having fun. Last night I asked her if we could visit my parents while they're babysitting my nephews and she agreed. I told her we could decide how we feel after we did that and she had already forgotten we'd planned to do that. That's the kind of self-interest that makes me not want to see "Grindhouse" tonight, you know?

I think the main issue with my wife isn't how much or how little she desires sex, it has more to do with her being a generally selfish person. Since that is at the front of my mind I'm ever increasingly aware of other signs of her selfishness. Like sometimes when she's driving, she'll stay in the fast lane even when it's clear that cars and trucks behind her want to go faster. The right-hand lane can be empty and she won't move over. They have to pass her in the right-hand lane. When confronted about it, she'll make a poor excuse like, "He just came out of nowhere."

Her brother's birthday was a week or two ago, but she neglected to get him anything before we saw him this last weekend. We had to go out to the mall well after his birthday passed. She got him one of the books he wanted and another book she thought he would like.

Maybe I'm too critical and should focus more on the things that I do instead of her. If I'm not entirely happy with her as a wife, I was the one that picked her and went through with it. There must have been writing on the wall before we got married. It's pretty useless to try to change someone, or even allow them to be the key to your own happiness.

I have thought about trying to be less affectionate and be less helpful toward her, but how would that be an improvement? I am plenty sick of trying out different strategies to move her out of complacency. I don't want to be manipulative or play childish games. I want to treat her with all of the love an respect that a spouse should be treated with, and have that reciprocated.

And maybe I'm being selfish when I harp on an issue like our sex life. After all, the best orgasm will only be a few seconds of bliss, not all that important in the grand scheme. But I'm not looking for her to spontaneously transform into a slut. We're talking about a minor change in behavior. And I'd be willing to accept other thoughtful gestures outside of sex like an offer to make dinner one night, the easing of any burden, whatever.

So in the car as we returned from getting coffee together, she said she slept great last night and didn't wake up once. I, on the other hand, woke up at 2 AM. The thought of trying to wake my her up for sex crossed my mind, but at the time I felt like she already could have had me if she wanted me. She made it pretty clear that she didn't want to, and I wasn't worth the effort. I went to our computer room and closed the door.

When I'm really turned on I feel like an starving animal. My heart races and I viciously scavenge for whatever will arouse me the most. I thought about all of the possible options -- movie clips on the Internet, porn DVDs, Second Life, but everything felt tried and done. And the damn cartoon website that I purchased a subscription to on Monday still hasn't created a login for me. I found some free erotic cartoons to look at. That led to looking at movie clips. I had been good about not saving any new porn to my computer for about a week, but I couldn't help myself, I needed to have them.

It's as if I'm not myself when I'm trying to get off. And the minute I have an orgasm I feel completely different. I feel like I don't understand why my desire was so pervasive just minutes ago. I feel like I can get on with my life. I can't say I feel shameful. I wouldn't like getting caught in the act, but it doesn't seem unnatural. I think our sex life would be better if my wife masturbated. She claims that she doesn't. I don't believe anyone who says they don't, however, my wife is Catholic and it goes without saying that religion can make you do some crazy things.

The movie clips I watched weren't enough, so I logged in to Second Life. First I played the role of a female and let other male avatars have their way with me. I came very close to voice-chatting with a girl but I didn't in the end. Then I created a fat, ugly and old male avatar, found the hottest virtual escort I could find, and hired her. That either implies that I'm quite full of self-loathing, or that the way my wife treats me sexually makes me feel very unattractive. Regardless, it seriously got me off.

In my real life I believe I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. I want equal interest and equal participation. But I sometimes fantacize about being cruelly dominant and taking advantage of women. I wish it weren't this way, but I'm fairly certain that having a beautiful woman like my wife reject me a good bit over time makes me hate her for rejecting me and hate myself for still wanting her. I can see that the longer our sex life remains unchanged, the more I will fantacize about being less respectful in bed, and the more I will want fantasy to spill into reality.

Once upon a time I was in a relationship where I openly shared all of my sexual habits and desires. I enjoyed being known inside and out, having no secrets. I have never been that intimate with my wife. She acts as though she has nothing to share in return. That's both dishonest and uninviting.

I Deserve Better

I would be better off if I could let go of any expectations of unprovoked sexual attention from my wife. I really thought she might jump me yesterday evening. We were able to have lunch together at one of our favorite restaurants in the afternoon and I fondly recalled to her the night before when I woke her up to have some fun. She said that she likes when I wake her up. I said I'd still like her to rip my clothes off sometime before we go to bed. It was light-handed reminder that didn't seem to make her angry or defensive.

In the past she had accused me of only bringing up the things I want her to do in our sex life that she doesn't do when we're in the middle of an argument. She claims that doesn't make her want to do them. That's fair. So instead I try to give her the occassional friendly reminder now. Not that it makes any difference. Obviously, when she claims that as a reason for not making an effort it's just another lame excuse. It's so much easier to put the blame back on me rather than saying, "You're right" or "I'm sorry."

But when I got home from work she was reading on the back porch. I told her I was going to work in the garden and she brought her chair over and continued reading near me. I thought she might be enjoying watching me shovel dirt and putting my back into it, and if ever my butt came within reach she grabbed it. We played with our dogs, walked them around the neighborhood. I made us dinner while she did the dishes. When I needed to reach around her to get at the sink she pushed her ass against my crotch. I said she was teasing me and she said I was teasing her. Then I went out and watered the plants while she finished watching CSI. I came back inside and told her that I was going to take a shower and then massage her into oblivion.

I think it's important to try and set a good example. I can't tell her that I want her to do things for me without being asked and then never do that myself. Getting a massage out of the blue is exactly the kind of thing I'd like her to do for me sometime, without me asking directly for one. So I massaged her head to toe with lotion. And sure, I enjoy putting my hands on her body. I won't pretend that it's entirely altruistic. But I would rather receive a massage than give one.

Even though I spent an hour bending over shoveling dirt right in front of her, there was no offer of a massage in return. Afterward she layed on me in just her panties and I stroked her head, groped at her ass. I was clean and smelling good from my shower, wearing nothing but loose-fitting pajamas. Apparently I wasn't putting out enough signs that I wanted her body. And I was reading too much into any of the signs I thought she was putting out. Eventually she stood up and and removed her panties in front of me. My dick said, "This is it! Here we go!" And she said, "Those are too tight. Let's go to bed."

It takes about 2 minutes for me to brush my teeth. By contrast, there is typically a half hour of abstract busyness in the bathroom before she gets in bed. Then we went to sleep. It may have been that I could have started kissing on her and got the wheels turning, but does it always have to be me? Does she have some unspoken rule about not having sex the day after we have sex? Does she think I'm uninterested, after I just worked every inch of her body with lotion for 20 minutes? Is she so self-interested that she can take all of my adoration, return none, and not feel the slightest bit guilty? Is it really that difficult to move one part of your body in some repetitive way for 5 to 10 minutes? Sure, I always prefer a longer session but I'm willing to enjoy the short version. What the fuck is wrong with her?

We've talked about it so many times, in so many different ways. It's not like an issue I bring up constantly. Always we'll talk about it or argue about it, then I let it go. For months! I give her a wide open opportunity to pick any random day to wear something special for me, to surprise me with sex. I don't think I nag. I really try not to nag. I try to be nothing but polite if I bring it up. But she will not bend. It can be only one of two possibilities, and either one shows total disrepect for me. Either she completely forgets everything I ask her to do the minute we stop talking about it, or she knows exactly what I expect from her and though she's agreeable to my face, she deliberately ignores it. Wouldn't that mean that she hates me on some level? If so, what did I ever do to deserve that?

When there's a conflict, it's reasonable to doubt your position. I believe I think about sex too much. I could stand to think about it less, yet sometimes it feels like it is out of my control. And I can look back on the times when I had really bad relationships, or had no one at all, and I'll start to wonder if having a beautiful girl walking around the house naked each day shouldn't be enough. At one point in my life, that is probably all I ever wanted, and I probably thought it was unattainable.

And we do have sex. The sex we have is good. She always seems to enjoy herself, and she's not the kind of person who would fake pleasure. She has no inhibitions about telling me what she likes and dislikes and I consider myself a passionate, attentive, and imaginative partner. And I believe I treat her just as well outside of the bedroom. I listen to her, I make her laugh. We do so many things together and get along just fine. I do not doubt that she loves me. But her love doesn't lead her to action.

And when I look at others' relationships, the way other guys like my coworkers act, I think I'm a fantastic husband. I'm funny, kind, I'm not unattractive. I think any girl would be lucky to have a guy like me. I'm not muscular, but I'm the lean body type that my wife likes. I don't pay a great deal of attention to the way I look, but I have spiked hair and a goatee because that's what my wife likes best. I'm not as assertive as I could be sometimes, but I think I'm friendly and open for a shy person. I hardly ever lose my temper, and am usually very calm and controlled. And though my wife isn't mean or unloving, I believe that I deserve better.

Think Of The Possibilities

Thus far it might sound like I'm blaming her for any and all problems we might have in our sex life, but I don't think that way about any problem in any relationship. It always takes two, and I recognize that there may be some things that I could do better, as well. It makes matters worse, though, when I ask her what I can do to improve my sex appeal and all she has ever told me is to not pick any dead skin off my body. Nice, huh? I could see how doing that might be unattractive, but I don't see how NOT doing that would make me more attractive. It suggests that there is nothing that I can do, and she already desires me as much as she ever will. Personally, I think that's a bullshit cop-out answer.

I think it goes without saying that women are attracted to men who are successful and show confidence. I think that is all I can try to improve upon. and deep down I think it's why I'm trying to draw more, just to find a way to shine. But I will probably only wind up disappointed if I think having an art show or selling illustrations will make my wife worship me. It's just too easy to take someone for granted when you have them nearby all of the time. Not to mention that no one is more empowered to boost my confidence than my wife. Yet she's done more to damage my pride than anyone else I know.

See, there was a time in our marriage where she was so obsessed with one crappy recording artist that it made me extremely jealous. I know it sounds stupid, but you have no idea how obsessed she was. Day after day she did nothing but obsess over him. It was as if every waking hour of her life was spent on this musician's message board, thinking about him, gathering all of his rare recordings, video taping a fire poi act choreographed to his music, pouring over his slightest appearance as a movie stand-in, ordering special clothes to wear at his band's concert so she would stand out from the crowd, waiting after the show to get his autograph, buying and trying to learn to play the instrument he plays... The list goes on and on.

All of that might have been acceptable if he was a well-known artist that any girl would be attracted to like David Bowie or Bruce Springsteen. But this guy is merely an over-the-hill bass player in a washed up, otherwise unknown band. One whose own solo career is so illustrious that he has to sell his CDs himself. Once my wife sent him a check for more money than his self-made CD costed! Fucking intolerable! And he can hardly sing! His voice sounds like a bag of dying cats! He looks like an ear of corn in sunglasses! It's still a really sore subject for me, can you tell?

That's the kind of adoration you should reserve for your spouse. You know, that person who you love so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her? Can you imagine what an ego I would have if my wife showed me half of that interest? If she bought an outfit to wear solely to get my attention? If she insisted upon posing for me to draw her?

Needless to say, we had it out after she went on a weekend getaway with a female friend who also thinks this bass player is God's gift to unappreciative women. We even went to a marriage counseling session. We're in a much better place in our relationship now than we were last year, but I still want more. I don't see why we can't both have what we want. It doesn't seem like it would be too much to give, it doesn't seem like we'd have to try so much harder.

My wife is one who has odd tastes in music, movies and books, and I see that she really wants to share it with other people. I try not to poke fun as harshly as the rest of her family, but it goes without saying that I'd be bringing home Hitchcock flicks all of the time if I thought it would make a difference in the way she treats me. I'd easily do any of the house chores that she hates to do for a healthy sex life. There are clearly things that she would like me to do for her, too. Why can't we both have the person we always dreamed of? Why is it too much to ask?

Once upon a time I thought, as a rule, that no one should ever use sex as a bargaining chip in a relationship. That would be unfair. It's not something to be used as an incentive, but something intimate that both individuals should enjoy. But if I did something to piss my wife off today, do you think we'd be having any sex until we made up? Highly doubtful. If it's going to be used as a negative stimulus, why shouldn't it be used a positive stimulus? Obviously I'd rather we be the best husband and wife we can be purely out of love for one another, but failing that, what's wrong with instituting "Home Improvement for Blowjobs Program." You'd be amazed at what I could accomplish.

Deep down, I have the sense that she is as good as she will ever get. She is as passionate toward me now as she will ever be. The kind of passion that feels as though she's letting me fuck her occassionally, if she happens to be in the mood. It's better than nothing, but not all it could be.

Sweet Dreams

So last night was fairly good. I worked enough on a new drawing in Adobe Flash to post it on my website. It's taken several days to get it to that point, though, so I think I need to find a quicker method of turning sketches into finished art. I want to complete 11 more in the same style in order to produce a calendar, and that could take more than a month at the current speed. The finished drawing looks good I think, but I like the way the line work looks on the original sketch better.

Right now I am reproducing every line of the original sketch in Adobe Flash and adding color to it, but maybe I can redraw the sketch in pen and ink before scanning it into the computer, or clean up the original drawing in Photoshop, or redraw it onscreen my WACOM table. Any one of those methods might save me time and let me focus more on colorizing and rendering the drawing on the computer.

I did look at a little bit of pornography yesterday evening, but didn't waste too much time on it, just glanced here and there while drawing without getting too aroused. It always seems that if I haven't had an orgasm in a few days, I wake up in the middle of the night with serious hard on. I used to search the TV for the slightest sex scene that might get me off, or get out of bed and look at porn on the computer, but I didn't need to do that last night.

See , back when we had DirecTV, I had ordered a few adult movies and watched them with my wife sleeping right beside me. She never woke up, but she eventually found out about it thanks to the monthly bill. I felt bad, but I can't help but think it was a good thing that she found out. Before I had ordered any adult movies, I had talked to her about trying to improve our sex life. She would agree to make more of an effort, but there would never be any significant change in her behavior. Then once she realized that I had ordered some movies, it sparked a long discussion between us and some things have changed for the better since then. Now if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can sometimes wake her up and we'll have sex together. I was able to wake her up last night and have some fun, so that was awesome.

That's definitely better than taking matters into my own hands, but I still dream of having her initiate sex out of the blue or maybe wearing something sexy just for me. Anything that would make our sex life a little more unpredictable. As it is, we use NFP as our method of contraception, so we already know exactly when we can and can't have sex. But on top of that, it seems like she only wants to have sex in bed at the very end of the day. I, on the other hand, prefer sex at any random any time of day EXCEPT when I am so exhausted that I have to go to bed to sleep.

Of course, if you're only having sex infrequently, it seems moronic to turn your wife down for any reason. But when the same thing happens over and over again, with her completely ignoring my own preference, it gets incredibly frustrating. We could be sitting on the couch side by side passively watching TV one instant, and then once I feel like I am so tired that I can't do anything else but sleep, that's when she starts coming on to me. It's not exactly inspiring to think that she'd rather finish watching whatever TV show over having sex with me, either.

So when the same script plays out time and time again, I think it becomes a bigger issue and represents a lack of consideration on her part. And it gets me to thinking about other things she doesn't do for me. And by no means do I think I'm the perfect husband, but I do take pleasure in helping her out when I can. I'll iron her clothes in the morning if she's late, offer to pick up things she needs from whatever store, things like that. Where she will do the specific things I ask her to do, she doesn't really come up with her own ideas to add a little happiness to my life. And I don't think we should always have to ask each other for every little thing or constantly remind one another to be supportive. If that is the case, it shows that we really aren't thinking about each other at all.

I Love Porn

I'm fairly certain I'm addicted to pornography. Sometimes I feel like I look forward to it too much and I try to cut back, try to keep myself busy with something else. It's most difficult when I have time alone. It seems like there's nothing more I'd rather do than look at pornography when I'm alone.

A short while ago I had a week off from work and I indulged quite a bit. I even tried something I'd never tried before -- voice chatting with a phone sex operator over Skype. I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. As far as vices go, I think once you allow yourself to try something for the first time, it becomes a possible option from then on. Now, even though the whole experience made me feel lame, I still think about having more phone sex over Skype. I think it's likely that I will sometime.

Maybe I felt like I'd hit bottom when I did that, though, so I removed all of the pornography from my computer. I didn't delete it, of course, I just burned it to a DVD that now sits on a spool of other DVDs right in arm's reach of my computer. At one time I moved all of the DVDs up into the attic, which is significantly more difficult to get to. It requires moving a car out of the garage and unfolding a ladder. I thought that would help, but eventually I moved them back to a more convenient place.

I do have a wife to hide them from, but sometimes the best hiding place is in plain sight. But of course a part of me wouldn't mind her finding my stash of DVDs. I think the fact that she hasn't after all of this time makes it pretty clear that she doesn't pay enough attention to me. We do have sex, probably 4 or 5 times a month, not nearly as often as I would like. A lot of the time we're just not in sync. I love having sex with her, but I've really grown to resent the rejections and the lack of passion she expresses toward me. We've talked about it so many times, but she never really makes any effort to try and improve the situation. I really believe I could leave pornography behind if she tried a bit harder to meet my needs, and I'm certain that I'm attracted to pornography out of frustration and aggression toward her.

Sometimes its easy to take a break from pornography because I feel like I've seen all there is to see. It's not to say that it ceases to turn me on, but what I usually seek in pornography is a higher level of arousal. It's like searching for the hottest girl you can imagine, doing the sluttiest acts you can possibly conceive of. Nowadays I feel like I won't see or experience anything better than what I already have. There are no girls sexier than the ones I have seen, no positions I haven't watched before. And since phone sex made me feel more awkward than aroused, I don't believe escalating my vice by going to nude bars or getting lap dances would make me feel any different. Maybe it gets too human or too real to be a fantasy for me.

I don't have any real moral issue with looking at pornography. I don't feel like anyone involved in it is so much of a victim. It is clearly a very profitable industry for men and women alike. I only feel like I need to separate myself from it because it's such a waste of time. I see that I could accomplish a lot more in my life if I could give it up and ignore the desire. I don't like looking forward to the times when my wife won't be around so I'll stand a chance of feeling good, but there again, I don't think it's solely my fault that I sometimes feel that way.

I have tried turning the desire into something useful. I've actually tried making my own erotic animations. Although I never finished any to the degree that I could sell them, I did learn a lot more about drawing and animating in Adobe Flash. I have made money selling virtual sex and virtual lingerie in a game called Second Life, so much so that I was able to buy myself an iPod. I hate having that secret though and feeling like I'm leading a double life. As much as I might fantasize about sex with my wife of other beautiful women, I also fantacize about having the utmost self control, and never feeling like there is an aspect of my life I would be embarassed to talk about.

I am not trying to sound immodest, but I believe I have a lot of creative talent, and after so many years of not drawing or making artwork, I'm really trying to get back into it. I want to develop enough of a consistent style that I can sell illustrations. But to do that, I need to make better use of my time, and work harder to draw every single day of my life. Up until this last weekend I felt really proud of myself. I had produced a lot of new drawings and was doing something creative most every day. Even when I was alone, I wasn't resorting to looking at pornography on the Internet.

This weekend was all about my wife, though. We visited her parents in Tallahassee, and just ran from one boring event to the next. I hate when she complains about doing things with my family, so I didn't complain to her about it. Still, right or wrong, it made me angry. Her Mom is essentially crazy -- completely insecure and constantly bickering at high volume with everyone else in the family. I hate being around her, I hate that she is unhappy, I would prefer that she be happy with her life, but she, like my wife, is too self-righteous to change on her own, and too stubborn to change for anyone else, so no one even bothers to try to talk to her about it.

I did get to sketch in my sketchbook on one or two car rides, but that was it. We got home at midnight on Sunday and then it was back to work. I tried to get back into the swing of things Monday night. And after weeks and weeks of no sex, my wife and I finally fucked. But I was pretty sure that meant we wouldn't have sex Tuesday night. Her desire is just that low. So when she fell asleep on the couch early in the evening, I just let myself go. I paid for a subscription to an erotic cartoon website, looked at movie clips on the Internet, had virtual sex in SecondLife. Part of me felt fantastic and satiated, while the other felt frustrated, like the entire day had been wasted.

During the day I work in a cubicle, and just like at home, I find it very difficult to work up the motivation to be productive. It is hard to say how much of that is caused by a fear of failure and how much is just plain laziness. I probably really work a fraction of the time I should during the day. The rest of the time I am just passing the day, waiting for 4 o'clock so I can go home. I find I can accomplish a lot when I have the sense that people are thankful for my contribution, but lately it seems like I've been under fire by some other staff, and nothing activates my passive-aggressive bad work habits quite like that.

When I look back on when I was younger, in high school and in college, I would say that I was generally very depressed. These days I think I like myself a bit more. Although I don't think looking at pornography bears that out, I have been able to break free from it here and there, and I think having this desire to treat myself better is a good sign. I wish my wife would help me more and be more supportive, maybe stoke my ego instead of trampling on it.