Hot Coffee

So I just went for coffee with my wife since she was in town. I told her I was sure that she was going to jump my bones last night but she didn't. She said she wanted to but she was too tired. I said she should have told me, and jokingly added that she could have described in intimate details how she was planning to do it.

Being "too tired" is an excuse she's really worn out. There's a simple and obvious solution and that's having sex before it gets too late in the evening, just like I would prefer it. She wasn't too tired to read her book, play with the dogs, walk the dogs, do the dishes or watch TV. There was no use in arguing about it while we're at work, so I let it go.

She asked if I wanted to go and see the movie "Grindhouse" tonight. I'm sure she knows I think it's stupid and have no real interest in seeing it. But I like going to the movies for the sake of getting out and having fun. Last night I asked her if we could visit my parents while they're babysitting my nephews and she agreed. I told her we could decide how we feel after we did that and she had already forgotten we'd planned to do that. That's the kind of self-interest that makes me not want to see "Grindhouse" tonight, you know?

I think the main issue with my wife isn't how much or how little she desires sex, it has more to do with her being a generally selfish person. Since that is at the front of my mind I'm ever increasingly aware of other signs of her selfishness. Like sometimes when she's driving, she'll stay in the fast lane even when it's clear that cars and trucks behind her want to go faster. The right-hand lane can be empty and she won't move over. They have to pass her in the right-hand lane. When confronted about it, she'll make a poor excuse like, "He just came out of nowhere."

Her brother's birthday was a week or two ago, but she neglected to get him anything before we saw him this last weekend. We had to go out to the mall well after his birthday passed. She got him one of the books he wanted and another book she thought he would like.

Maybe I'm too critical and should focus more on the things that I do instead of her. If I'm not entirely happy with her as a wife, I was the one that picked her and went through with it. There must have been writing on the wall before we got married. It's pretty useless to try to change someone, or even allow them to be the key to your own happiness.

I have thought about trying to be less affectionate and be less helpful toward her, but how would that be an improvement? I am plenty sick of trying out different strategies to move her out of complacency. I don't want to be manipulative or play childish games. I want to treat her with all of the love an respect that a spouse should be treated with, and have that reciprocated.

And maybe I'm being selfish when I harp on an issue like our sex life. After all, the best orgasm will only be a few seconds of bliss, not all that important in the grand scheme. But I'm not looking for her to spontaneously transform into a slut. We're talking about a minor change in behavior. And I'd be willing to accept other thoughtful gestures outside of sex like an offer to make dinner one night, the easing of any burden, whatever.

So in the car as we returned from getting coffee together, she said she slept great last night and didn't wake up once. I, on the other hand, woke up at 2 AM. The thought of trying to wake my her up for sex crossed my mind, but at the time I felt like she already could have had me if she wanted me. She made it pretty clear that she didn't want to, and I wasn't worth the effort. I went to our computer room and closed the door.

When I'm really turned on I feel like an starving animal. My heart races and I viciously scavenge for whatever will arouse me the most. I thought about all of the possible options -- movie clips on the Internet, porn DVDs, Second Life, but everything felt tried and done. And the damn cartoon website that I purchased a subscription to on Monday still hasn't created a login for me. I found some free erotic cartoons to look at. That led to looking at movie clips. I had been good about not saving any new porn to my computer for about a week, but I couldn't help myself, I needed to have them.

It's as if I'm not myself when I'm trying to get off. And the minute I have an orgasm I feel completely different. I feel like I don't understand why my desire was so pervasive just minutes ago. I feel like I can get on with my life. I can't say I feel shameful. I wouldn't like getting caught in the act, but it doesn't seem unnatural. I think our sex life would be better if my wife masturbated. She claims that she doesn't. I don't believe anyone who says they don't, however, my wife is Catholic and it goes without saying that religion can make you do some crazy things.

The movie clips I watched weren't enough, so I logged in to Second Life. First I played the role of a female and let other male avatars have their way with me. I came very close to voice-chatting with a girl but I didn't in the end. Then I created a fat, ugly and old male avatar, found the hottest virtual escort I could find, and hired her. That either implies that I'm quite full of self-loathing, or that the way my wife treats me sexually makes me feel very unattractive. Regardless, it seriously got me off.

In my real life I believe I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. I want equal interest and equal participation. But I sometimes fantacize about being cruelly dominant and taking advantage of women. I wish it weren't this way, but I'm fairly certain that having a beautiful woman like my wife reject me a good bit over time makes me hate her for rejecting me and hate myself for still wanting her. I can see that the longer our sex life remains unchanged, the more I will fantacize about being less respectful in bed, and the more I will want fantasy to spill into reality.

Once upon a time I was in a relationship where I openly shared all of my sexual habits and desires. I enjoyed being known inside and out, having no secrets. I have never been that intimate with my wife. She acts as though she has nothing to share in return. That's both dishonest and uninviting.