Dread

Earlier this week I wanted a beer with dinner, but we didn't have any in the house. We did have liquor, so I decided to make a mixed drink. I asked my wife if she wanted something too, and she did. While I was making it she asked if I was trying to get her drunk. I said, "Why would I want to do that? Alcohol doesn't make you loose, it just makes you tired. Besides, we have enough sex as it is."

She acted surprised and said, "Do you really think so?" I have been expressing that I've wanted to have more sex for quite a while, but that's not how I'm feeling these days.

I said, "I see it like this. If you look at our last 3 NFP charts, we have sex about 5 times each cycle. So we have sex about once a week on average."

She agreed, but surprised me when she said, "Well, I'd still like to have more sex." I asked her if she wanted to have sex 6 times during this cycle, and she said yes. So it's like we have a quota now. And we've only had sex twice so far.

I think there's a real discrepancy between what my wife says or even thinks she wants and what she actually does. In reality my wife only initiates sex once we've gone to bed for the night. And I can't stand having such a predictable sex life. That wrecks the anticipation which I say is just as important as the sex itself.

So she had an appointment to get her hair done on Wednesday night so I had some time alone at home. I logged in to SecondLife and wanted to have virtual sex with someone, but I ended up just chatting with some loser. It was boring. Thursday night I looked at some pornography on the computer, but didn't have much time to myself before my wife got home.

The last time we had sex was on Tuesday night. If I haven't had sex or masturbated in a few days, sometimes I'll have a sex dream while I'm sleeping. I did last night, but it involved another woman. It wasn't anyone I know, but in the dream someone was going to tell my wife what I'd done and I was overwhelmed with dread. It was so real that I was deeply relieved when I woke up and realized that I hadn't done anything wrong.

I had that dream for two reasons. The most obvious reason is that adultery was a theme in a TV show we'd watched before we went to bed. But also, I'm worried about the porn website subscription charge that's going to be on our credit card statement now. A few days ago my wife asked for the password to view our statement online so she could see if another charge went through. Luckily she had trouble logging in, so I just sent her a PDF of the statement with the porn subscription charge removed. But the statement will be mailed to us very soon and I need to intercept it before she sees it. I signed up to stop receiving paper statements but the confirmation said it may take up to 2 months for the paper statements to stop coming in the mail.

Stop Complaining

I've been complaining too much. Things aren't really so awful with my sex life. Looking at it objectively, I'm having sex more regularly now than I ever have. I can see my attitude is starting to change, and I hope it stays. I'm very proud of my wife, she's accomplished a lot in the last few weeks, and what's she's accomplished will help both of us a good deal.

First, she's gotten a new job where she'll be making a lot more money. She'll have a company car, gas paid for by the company, a new laptop and a new cell phone. She won't have to go into an office, and she'll have greater freedom to manage her own time, so I expect she'll be happier overall. She even won a contest at her current company that will give us a free stay at the most expensive hotel in town. The contest involved giving a short presentation about the company's products and she did it better than any of the other sales reps in the region.

There was a time when I honestly felt like she was getting to be more trouble than she was worth. She seemed down and out, and was devoting all of her time and attention to adoring some crappy band and their website message boards. She was putting no effort into our sex life and always seemed to prioritize other interests over our relationship. All throughout her life she's been an overachiever, but it was clear that the job she had was making her feel unsuccessful and seriously damaging her self-esteem. But she's turned everything around now, and I realize that I'm with someone very special.

But I've still been struggling to deal with my sex drive. Where on Thursday night I felt indignant when she apathetically rolled onto her belly to let me get off, I was so hungry for sex on Saturday morning that I couldn't take it anymore. Try as I might, I couldn't get her aroused enough to give or receive oral sex, so when she lied on her stomach, I used her like a cheap sex toy. I took my time and rubbed my cock against her ass until I was good and satisfied. Where her disinterest in sex typically aggrivates me, it can also turn me on a good deal, too.

So her parents and brother visited our house this weekend. Her mom can be seriously obnoxious, and though I get along OK with all of them, I don't always enjoy having them around.My mother-in-law is constantly talking at full volume and blaming my father-in-law for every little thing. And my wife's family takes forever to go and do anything. Having them around meant I couldn't look at pornography on my computer, though, so it was good for me to be forced into a reprieve.

One of the places we went this weekend was a big outdoor mall. My brother-in-law and I went in the Barnes and Noble and I found a thick hardcover book of Playboy Magazine illustrations and cartoons in the discount section. I wanted to get it, but I didn't want my wife's family asking about it so I resolved to pick it up on Monday. My father has a subscription to Playboy Magazine when I was a kid, and he didn't hide them well at all, so I grew up admiring the artists who were featured in the magazine, among other things.

A lot of what I have been drawing recently have been girls, and I'm always trying to simplify and stylize them like Shane Glines or any of the Playboy illustrators that I grew up with. The book seemed like the perfect reference material for me, so I drove up to get it on my lunchbreak yesterday. The mall was so far away, though, that it took almost 2 hours to get there and back. Walking back into the office I felt lame. I felt like I'd let my desire get in the way of more important responsibilities. I should have gone after work. All the same, my boss didn't say anything to me about it. I don't think he even noticed how long I was gone.

By Sunday night, my wife was in the infertile phase of her cycle so we were free to have sex once her family went home. When we got in bed, she turned out the light and then she pulled me on top of her. I thought about how don't like having sex in the dark and how I prefer at least a little foreplay. But then I thought, "Who cares? We're having sex!" I put it out of my head and focussed on enjoying myself.

Usually when we're having sex I like focussing on her pleasure and making her cum, but I know it's easier for both of us to think about someone else when the lights are out. She knows I don't like it and that I feel more connected with her when we can look one another in the eyes. So I fucked her good and hard, and we came together like we typically do. Afterward she said she would probably be sore the next day and I said, "Sorry, was that too hard?"

I still haven't had much of a chance to open those big movie clips I downloaded with my porn site subscription, so I watched some when I got home from work yesterday. I had about twenty minutes to myself before she got home, and I was kind of glad I didn't waste too much time with them. I wish I didn't want or need porn at all, but if I do, I don't want it to be a big part of my life.

Lost Cause

This is always the part of her cycle that makes me crazy. She's in the fertile phase, so we can't have sex, and we just don't seem to connect on weekdays. Predictably, I woke up in the middle of the night on Wednesday night. I was hard as a rock and trying to wake her was pointless. Thursday morning I told her that I needed some lovin' and she said she did, too. The difference being that I meant what I said whereas she was just blowing smoke.

Every week or so I try to visit my brother's house to spend time with my two nephews. Typically my wife complains that I won't be home to make dinner for her. She's always invited to join me for the visit, but in that case she just complains about the food at my brother's house instead. Sometimes I leave my brother's house before they have dinner and my wife seems to appreciate that. I was going to visit my nephews last night so I told my wife that I would be home for dinner at our house. She said she had a big lunch and it was okay with her if I wanted to stay for dinner, so I did. Either she was trying to do something nice for me and let me hang out as long as I wanted, or she was looking forward to the time alone.

Once I got home, she was playing on the Wii like I expected she had been most of the evening. I brought home a second controller and new games, but she kept at what she was playing. I did some laundry and then started downloading the rest of the movies from the porn site to which I had subscribed. It was a conscious response to her lack of attention.

When we went to bed she massaged my neck a bit since I told her it had been bothering me all day. I'd thought it was from playing tennis on the Wii, but I realized that she'd slipped her arm under my pillow the night before and I slept with it there for most of the night. It was uncomfortable at the time, but I didn't realize it would make my neck hurt all day yesterday.

Yet again I woke up hard last night and tried to stir her to fool around. I ran my hands across her body, and pressed myself against her. I could tell she wasn't interested. And it's not as though I wasn't planning on giving her an orgasm first anyway. I turned away from her. She hates it when I turn my back to her in bed. She told me that she was sorry and that she'd just woken up from a bad dream. Was I supposed to feel guilty? I joked, "Nothing will make you feel better like a big donut." You know, donuts are shaped like an O and orgasm starts with O. She still wasn't going for it.

Then she laid flat on her belly. I didn't know this was for my sake. When I didn't climb on her to thrust my cock against her ass she said in a frsutrated tone, "Well if you're going to do it, just do it." Oh, the passion! Forget that. I've had sex with Ziploc bags, but even I don't want a mercy lay of that magnitude, let alone one without penetration. I said, "That's not exactly the level of participation I was hoping for," and we both went back to sleep.

And I proceeded to watch one of the pornographic videos I downloaded in the morning while she was still asleep. That is exactly the kind of situation where I think pornography is doing me a great service, because if I didn't get off this morning I would still be angry with her right now. Thanks to pornography, I'm just bitter instead.

It absolutely takes two to have a good sex life, I know that, but I also know I'm not the one who says one thing and then does another. And comparing male and female sexuality may be like comparing apples to a Rube Goldberg contraptions, but if she came on to me now I would stop what the fuck I was doing and, I don't know, make her feel more important unconsciousness.

She is a lost cause and I can't let it go.

I think I have yet to bitch about how often we see her freaking family, but we do, and they are plenty annoying. Her Mom is overweight and brash, with a twist of psycho. Her Dad, by contrast, is really laid back. So much so that it takes him forever to complete the simplest of tasks. He boondoggles like no one has boondoggled before. And her Mom constantly hen pecks and argues with everyone except me. I want to love them, I really do, but I always end up loving the silence I hear after they leave more. And since it has been a mere 4 weeks since we saw them last, they're coming to visit this weekend. So any hope of relaxing and enjoying the weekend has been safely dashed.

Pushing My Luck

Man, I am seriously pushing my luck. Last night while my wife was in our living room playing on our Wii, I purchased a subscription to a porn website. At first I only purchased a 3 day trial for $3, but then when I saw that the trial didn't give you full access to the site, I went ahead and paid an additional $30.

And I don't even understand why I or anyone would ever purchase pornography on the Internet. There is so much free porn available. You can download torrents of entire porn DVDs and it's a safe assumption that the industry won't come after you. But a DVD download can take an entire day on our DSL connection and it's tough to know what's worth downloading. I guess I just found something I liked and felt like I had to have it.

Once I logged into the site, I started downloading several big movies. Each was set to take more than an hour, so I just waited until after my wife went to sleep to watch them. She had asked for a back massage before bed so I gave her one that put her out like a light. Then I snuck out of the bedroom and I watched all of one video that was 30 minutes long. It turned me on so much. I would feel terrible if my wife ever caught me, but I think the possibility of that thrills me on some level.

Buying any pornography without using cash is very risky. The charge is always visible on the online statement and will also show up on the printed statement that comes in the mail. If that weren't bad enough, our credit card company called our house this morning while I was at work and suggested that there may have been some fraudulent charges made with one of our credit cards. My wife told me about it and I had to play dumb.

I have to strongly consider the idea that I subconsciously want to get caught. Maybe my sexual deviance is my way of expressing the bitterness I feel about our sex life. Or else I know I'm out of control and don't believe I'll ever break free from my porn addiction without someone else's help. Or maybe that's reading too much into my actions and I just want what I want no matter the consequences.

We came so close to fooling around last night it seemed. I was making pancakes for dinner and she was doing the dishes. I started kissing her neck and feeling her body and it seemed like she was getting turned on. I got hard and she felt my cock through my pants, but we needed to finish what we were doing. And then we didn't revisit the topic for the rest of the night. I suppose I could always stand to be more aggressive. I just think I'm good at reading her and I can tell when she's playing around and when she's truly interested.

Now that I have a purchased subscription I feel obligated to make the most of it and download every last video that turns me on. Even while a part of me wishes I could just will myself to put all of the smut far out of reach.

But now that she has a new job, she already has meeting and training sessions scheduled that will keep her away from home for a week in June and three weeks in July. That's too much free time on my hands.

The Magic of Disney

Nothing interesting has happened over the last few days. My wife and I have been getting along well. We went to DisneyWorld this weekend since it's not too far from where we live and we have seasonal passes.

We had a little argument as we were leaving the house. The details are inconsequential. We were taking our dogs to my parents' house for the weekend and she suddenly felt like the world would end if we didn't buy one of our dogs a new collar. Not a big deal, but the thing that pissed me off, which we've argued about before, is that she demands things rather than asks for them. For instance, rather than saying, "I know you want to get to Disney as soon as we can, but can we stop and get Dingo a new collar?" She says imperatively, "Where is Dingo's collar? We HAVE TO GET HER A NEW COLLAR!"

My first reaction was "NO." I wanted us to get to our campsite in Disney in time to see my brother and his wife who were also staying there, and my wife already took her sweet time packing for the trip. Plus, we already left our dogs with my parents' once before without any new collars and it made no difference. I saw that it was very important to her, but I've told her many times that she can get anything she wants from me by approaching me in the right way. But for the sake of having a nice weekend I compromised and let her go into a grocery store to find a new collar.

It doesn't happen so often, but when she is disrespectful toward me I think that I must have shown her too much adoration. I think I've complimented her too often or maybe I've touched her or kissed her in a way that's overinflated her ego. And it makes me wish I had shown her less attention, when all I've ever tried to do is set a good example, and show her the level of desire and passion I'd like to have returned to me.

So the only way I could allow myself to stop at the grocery store was to promise myself that the next time she tries to make a demand, I can't let her get what she wants or she'll always think she can get away with it.

By the time we reached the campsite, the frustration had blow over and we were playful together. The rest of the weekend was a lot of fun. She'd dropped some innuendo about oral sex when we were waiting to check in, but didn't follow through when we went to bed in our tent. We slept naked since it was pretty humid out, so by morning I was dying to fool around with her. She didn't reciprocate, but she rolled onto her belly and let me get off by thrusting my cock against her ass. It's not the best thing we can do together, but it's still better than masturbating.

How To Get There

Tuesday was our third anniversary and she completely blew my mind. Some days ago she told me she bought a matching set of underwear from Target. I hadn't seen it yet, but she wore it to bed just for me. When she walked in the room she said her stomach felt really full from dinner. I figured that was her excuse not to fool around and I kept watching TV. Then she coyly said, "I guess I'll just take this off then," which forced me to reassess the situation. I pulled her onto the bed and we promptly gave each other oral sex. It was perfect, all I ever wanted for our sex life: seductive and surprising with equal participation.

The problem with sex is that it's never enough. Having sex just makes me want more sex. Just like not having sex makes me want more sex. But having her respect my wishes all of the sudden makes it hard not to respect her own. So each night since that I've woken up in the middle of the night hard, I've just let her sleep peacefully. And I've been bad every chance I get, looking at pornography and getting off. I've been incredibly turned on by it, more than ever, but now I've got something to lose. I shouldn't push my luck.

This week and last I've been doing as little as possible at work, just passing the time and waiting for 4 o'clock so I can go home. I've hardly been working on artwork, either. Sometimes my bad habits don't phase me, but this week my self esteem is pretty low. But I don't think I'm letting that on to anyone. I think I make it difficult for others to tell when I'm not content with myself. I'm very accustomed to hiding that and I'm always aware of the difference between the person inside my head and the person I show others.

As a creative person, I think I have a need to express the truth of who I am to others, but then it has never proven useful to tell family and friends if I'm down or depressed. There's nothing they can do but call more attention to the problem, and ultimately no one else can solve the problem but me. It's better if everyone treats me like everything is normal, then I can start to feel normal again, too. In the meantime, it's helpful to write the truth here.

All through my life, to different degrees, I've had a hard time believing in myself. It's strange. On one hand, I believe I am more intelligent and more creative than most people. Work and school always affirmed that for me, so I believe that I can do anything that I set my mind to. But on the other hand, I know that I am generally shy and that I lack perseverance. It's hard for me to stick to a single objective. I'll doubt myself and I am easily distracted. I feel like I know explicitly the things I need to do to meet my goals, but I cannot drive myself to do them. It's like I don't want myself to win.

And I don't ignore the facts that I did marry a smart and beautiful girl, I do have a decent job with a decent income, and I live where I want to live. But I feel no sense of glory in my life, or that I have lived up to my potential. I've spent a good portion of my life just wishing the time away and I still do it. I'm doing it right now.

Meanwhile my wife has scored a great new job. She'll make more money and get a company car. She won't have to go into an office. It may mean that we have to move to another Florida town, we don't know yet, but that doesn't bother me much. I only like my current job because it's tolerable, and like where we live because it's close to my family and close to the beach. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of her happiness, as long as it's not at the expense of my own.

I actually had a performance evaluation today in which my boss rated me as "high effective" in all areas pertaining to my job. But that is not a token of my good work habits as much as it is my ability to deceive others about who I am. In truth, I intermittently hate my job because it doesn't challenge me and eats up too much of my time, and hate myself for not working harder to ensure that I don't end up in a job like this.

With all of the problems and addictions others have, it seems overly apparent that people need ways to escape the pressure they feel in their lives. Some use cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, exercise. I just use pornography. And yet, all of the pressure I feel in my life comes solely from me. There is no pressure from my work, or from my friends or family to do things that I can't do. And it may sound strange, when I am only 30, but every day of my life I feel like I need to create something amazing that will give my life worth, because I may die at any time without having completed my purpose. Yet I'm not absolutely certain what that purpose is. It may be to become a successful artist. Or it may be just to create artwork that I myself can be proud of.

It's odd for me to even mention a purpose when I am an atheist. I know I was not "put here" to do anything in particular. But all of the social interactions I have had in my life have produced this expectation of me, just like I felt driven to find a woman I could marry. I think it's nothing more than conditioning, and if life on Earth has any real purpose it seems to be just promoting more life on Earth either by reproducing or getting eaten. So if all I ever do is die and get eaten by worms, I think I've served my purpose. But in my mind, I believe that meeting this other purpose of becoming an artist will be a great source of peace for me. It will restore my belief in myself, and make it easier to accomplish other things in my life. It will make me more confident and make me a better husband, and even one day, a better father.

Sometimes I think I know how to get there. I think I need to put as much time as I possibly can toward developing finished pieces of art in one cohesive style. But then it seems like every other aspect of my life is a strong current in the other direction, to devote time to many other agendas. And with the free time that I do have, I have to will myself to be creative, and fight the urge to seek instant gratification. So, in truth, I don't really know how to get there, because I've felt stuck in this situation for years. And I don't think time limitations would matter if I always believed in myself.