Balance

When I was recording my wife's temperature on our Natural Family Planning chart this morning I saw that we had sex just four days ago on Thursday. We did? I barely remember it. I recall that we wrestled again Thursday night, still fighting to lick one another's noses. I took that to mean that I won when we wrestled on Wednesday night and she was just itching for a rematch. I guess we did have sex, though. I'm pretty sure I woke her up in the middle of the night, and we were both dog-tired on Friday because of it.

So she's in the fertile phase of her cycle now and we didn't fool around this weekend. I suppose that's fine. We were still plenty affectionate with one another. And we had a good amount of sex during her last cycle, but I will always want more. Such is male sexuality.

Of course, this morning and yesterday morning I was dying to rub myself against her ass. My wife's body is so curvy, when she lays on her side there is such a drop in altitude from her hips to her waist, I can't keep from sliding my hands over her contours. But she sleeps like it's her mission in life, and I know that she'd prefer to get another 15 minutes of rest over being my own personal fuck toy, so I let her sleep. But I still dreamed of her grabbing my cock, pushing her ass into me and begging for me to fuck her.

In relationships, I tend to want what I give. And something I think I give my wife is confidence in the fact that I love her body. For instance, she knows without a doubt that I love her butt, so much so that I love to smack it, grab it, pinch it, bite it, and talk about it most every time I see it. That would probably bother any other girl, but she finds it endearing. She smacks and grabs my ass, too, and I enjoy that, too.

But it's not the same when she does it to me. When I see her butt, I lust after it. It's like a call to action. I see it and I want it and I have to do something about it. I can't ignore it, I can only try to pretend that I can. When I put my arm around her warm naked body in bed, I salivate, my heart starts beating faster, and I have to fight the urge to take her. And, sure, I know it's probably unrealistic to wish that male and female sexuality would be the least bit similar. But, then again, I think anyone, male or female, would love to be so desired.

When she grabs or smacks my butt, it's sweet and it's novel, but it goes without saying that I'd much prefer my hard cock to be the object of her desire. I'd like the sight of it to make her want to touch it, stroke it, lick it, suck it and put it inside her. Even if it's just on my birthday. And maybe Christmas, too. See, if I wanted to try and turn her on, I don't really know if she wants to have sex unless she is deliberately putting out signs. And even then I have to start from scratch with getting her turned on. But if I already have a hard on, it's already apparent that I want to have sex. She has no reason to fear a possible rejection. Furthermore, I'm clearly already aroused, she doesn't have to try and put me in the mood. My mood is set.

So we had a good weekend overall, got along great, and I'm still really happy she's making more of an effort to improve our marriage. Most recently she bought herself a matching set of underwear from Target. See, she has all kinds of bras and panties and thongs, but she never seems to have or to wear matching sets. I get that she's being practical and probably wearing the ones that fit best or won't show through he clothes, but I think it's sexy for her to wear bras and panties that go together, so it's like an outfit. I've told her this in the past and she's only agreed that she'd wear whatever matching sets I bought for her. She's never taken it into consideration until now.

Even though we're doing really well, I was still really bad about looking at pornography this weekend. On Sunday morning my wife was teaching a Sunday school class for our local church, so I was home alone for 2 or 3 hours. I could have worked on something productive like finishing some drawings, but I spent the entire time looking at erotic cartoons and playing Second Life. She wanted me to meet her for the Sunday Mass at 11 o'clock and I was late getting there.

As much as I would love for my wife to lust after me, I'd be just as happy if I were as little interested in sex as she can be. I think about sex constantly and every day I am faced with the choice of either giving into my desire or fighting it. And I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. It seems like my sexuality will always be a source of conflict and the best I can hope for is a balance. These days I'm leaning too far toward intemperance and it would be good to show more self control. But tonight my wife won't be home until late.

Still Hungry

My wife was visited by her monthly friend yesterday, so it seemed like a great time to tell her how much I appreciate the effort she's been making recently. I think she was glad I brought it up. We didn't do much in the evening. She took a nap, we walked the dogs together, had dinner. We went to bed fairly early and somehow wound up in a wrestling match, trying to lick each other's noses. She wouldn't let up until we were even.

It was great hearing her laughing so much, having such a good time with me. When we were first dating I had a way of saying or doing something that would put her into fits of hysterical laughter. She still laughs a lot these days, but not to that extent. With us both working full time jobs, I think it's difficult keeping our daily lives from being incredibly mundane. Some spontaneous sparring is great for us. I don't even know who started it.

She was really having a hard time landing a lick, too. I don't believe she's weaker than I am. I would say I'm usually more willing to exert myself if heavy things need moving or dirt needs digging. But while we were wrestling she said, "It sucks that you're stronger than me." I probably returned some stupid remark, but I liked hearing her say that. Like it or not, I realize that she controls the sex in our relationship, so I enjoy hearing her acknowledge that I am dominant in other areas. Besides video games.

Since she had a headache earlier in the day, I gave her a good massage at night. It's a great excuse to rub lotion on her naked body. We do not want kids just yet, so we use Natural Family Planning to chart when she is and isn't fertile. When she is fertile and we want to have sex, we'll have oral sex, or I'll put massage lotion on her ass and rub myself against her. I sometimes think that must be a bit weird for her, but we've been doing it for years. On the other hand I once had a girlfriend who would rub herself against my leg when she was turned on, and I rather enjoyed that expression of lust. I think my wife likes that there is a way I can off with her that doesn't involve a blowjob.

So we didn't fool around last night, I didn't expect to, but I have conditioned myself to become aroused by the scent of our massage lotion. I can't smell it without wanting to fuck my wife's perfect ass and cum on the small of her back. I knew I was going to wake up hard and I did. I was too tired to get out of bed, though. We both sleep naked, she insists on it for some reason, so if she is lying on her side I love to just spoon up to her and press my cock against her ass. She sleeps pretty soundly, but often she'll roll onto her back if she feels me doing that. I don't think there is anything that disappoints me more in life than when she rolls over and lies on her back.

As aroused and I can be, as much as I feel a strong desire to have sex every single day, I still feel like porn has nothing more to offer me. For some reason, I always have to see something new. I have to see a scene or photo I've never seen before to get really turned on by pornography. Sometimes I will go on a binge of downloading movie clips and I will cum before I even watch them. The hunt is more exciting than the kill. Feeling apathetic toward pornography could be such a great thing that could help me move away from it, but something inside me wants to continue the hunt.

That is why I purchased a subscription to a cartoon porn website about a week ago. I like erotic drawings because they show idealized women and they sometimes visualize fantasies which would otherwise be impossible. But they never created my login and had to give me a refund. So I'm still hungry for something else. On the rare occassions that I have been in porno shops, almost all of the DVDs disinterest me. The girls in them look so imperfect, I end up getting something for the sake of getting something.

But now that my wife is clearly making a real effort to improve our marriage, I don't need to be tempting fate. I could easily ruin any progress we've made if she catches a glimpse of pornography on my computer or sees some unknown charge on a bank statement. I should be putting my free time toward drawing, but yesterday afternoon I felt so ravenous, I couldn't think of anything else but looking at hot female bodies and getting off. And kneading my wife's bare ass last night really only made matters worse.

So I woke up early, got ready for work and looked at some movie clips before my wife woke up. It was a blonde girl being used by a group of black guys. It felt great and finally relaxed at that moment, but just thinking about it now, I want more. I seriously need to clean off my computer again and move all of the DVDs out of reach again.

The good thing about my wife having her period is that once it's over and done with, she typically wants to have sex at least one more time before she's fertile again and we have to hold off. It may be today or may be tomorrow. Either way it is something to hope for.

Recently she has been working hard to try and get a new job. She's had a good many interviews, and tomorrow she has a second interview for a job in Daytona Beach. When I think of Daytona Beach, I think of spring break girls and strip clubs. I've never been to a strip club. I don't think it would turn me on a great deal. I bet it would make me feel kind of awkward. I don't even like the idea of going to Hooters. There aren't any strip clubs near where we live. I know there are some in Jacksonville, but I assume the girls inside aren't all that hot. I think it's safe to assume that if we end up having to move to Daytona Beach, I am going to go into a strip club some night, because I have heard that the girls there are extremely hot. And the better side of me doesn't want to be faced with the temptation.

Next Monday will be our third wedding anniversary. The traditional wedding anniversary gift is something leather. My wife is trying to learn to play the bass guitar so I got her a leather strap from her wish list. She doesn't know what to get me, so we talked about it, and I was cleared to buy her something leather which she will wear for me. I can't wait to pick something out. I would so love to get her in the habit of wearing sexy outfits. Not even in public, just for me.

Forget Everything I Said

Of course, after airing all of my marital grievances here day after day last week, my wife showed me a really good weekend. It was exactly the sort of thoughtfulness and spontaneity I've been dreaming of. Things I never thought would happen happened.

It started on Friday when we were planning to hang out at my brother's house with my parents and help babysit my two nephews with them. My wife had a rough day. As she was driving home she called me and said, "I wish we weren't going out tonight. I could really use an after work shag."

I had been planning to go straight to my brother's house after work, but I told her, "I could come home, you know." I felt like I was calling her bluff, but she was all for it, so I drove straight home. We both got in at the same time, freshened up and then jumped in the sack.

She said I had mentioned how I'd like to have sex right when we got home from work sometime. I remembered saying that when we had lunch together last week. I couldn't believe it. She heard what I wanted, remembered it, and acted on it!

On Friday morning, she'd said that she wanted to see the movie Grindhouse. I wasn't too interested in it then, but after she showed me a good time, I was happy to see the movie with her. It was really stupid. Stupid by design, but stupid all the same.

We have to drive a good distance to see a movie where we live. We saw the 11pm showing and got home at 3am. We didn't have any real plans the next day, so we slept in. Saturday we picked up around the house together.

I've been working on starting a garden on the side of our house for a while. I have a lot of seeds in the ground starting to grow. At one point, she gave me some radish seeds she came across when she was at Target. That made me really happy. There she did something for me that I didn't even ask for. I don't even care that neither of us like radishes. It meant a lot to me.

We didn't do a whole lot on Sunday either. She wanted to go to church. I'm an atheist so I really don't like going to church, but she was being really thoughtful, so I didn't mind tagging along. Sunday night I couldn't think of what to make for dinner. She suggested waffles and then made them all herself. Again, I didn't have to ask, she just did it.

If that weren't enough, I'd recently given her two massages without getting any in return. I asked for a massage and she gave me one. To top it off, we had sex again Sunday night! It wasn't the same old thing either. Almost always I'm the one getting her turned on, but she hit me with some foreplay! It was so nice.

Come Monday morning I felt like everything in my life was right. I looked at our NFP chart and we've had more sex recently than we've had in months. And for so long I've been eyeballing every pretty lady that passes by, but driving into work at last I felt free of that desire. I want to tell her how much I appreciate everything, but I haven't found the right opportunity yet.

Hot Coffee

So I just went for coffee with my wife since she was in town. I told her I was sure that she was going to jump my bones last night but she didn't. She said she wanted to but she was too tired. I said she should have told me, and jokingly added that she could have described in intimate details how she was planning to do it.

Being "too tired" is an excuse she's really worn out. There's a simple and obvious solution and that's having sex before it gets too late in the evening, just like I would prefer it. She wasn't too tired to read her book, play with the dogs, walk the dogs, do the dishes or watch TV. There was no use in arguing about it while we're at work, so I let it go.

She asked if I wanted to go and see the movie "Grindhouse" tonight. I'm sure she knows I think it's stupid and have no real interest in seeing it. But I like going to the movies for the sake of getting out and having fun. Last night I asked her if we could visit my parents while they're babysitting my nephews and she agreed. I told her we could decide how we feel after we did that and she had already forgotten we'd planned to do that. That's the kind of self-interest that makes me not want to see "Grindhouse" tonight, you know?

I think the main issue with my wife isn't how much or how little she desires sex, it has more to do with her being a generally selfish person. Since that is at the front of my mind I'm ever increasingly aware of other signs of her selfishness. Like sometimes when she's driving, she'll stay in the fast lane even when it's clear that cars and trucks behind her want to go faster. The right-hand lane can be empty and she won't move over. They have to pass her in the right-hand lane. When confronted about it, she'll make a poor excuse like, "He just came out of nowhere."

Her brother's birthday was a week or two ago, but she neglected to get him anything before we saw him this last weekend. We had to go out to the mall well after his birthday passed. She got him one of the books he wanted and another book she thought he would like.

Maybe I'm too critical and should focus more on the things that I do instead of her. If I'm not entirely happy with her as a wife, I was the one that picked her and went through with it. There must have been writing on the wall before we got married. It's pretty useless to try to change someone, or even allow them to be the key to your own happiness.

I have thought about trying to be less affectionate and be less helpful toward her, but how would that be an improvement? I am plenty sick of trying out different strategies to move her out of complacency. I don't want to be manipulative or play childish games. I want to treat her with all of the love an respect that a spouse should be treated with, and have that reciprocated.

And maybe I'm being selfish when I harp on an issue like our sex life. After all, the best orgasm will only be a few seconds of bliss, not all that important in the grand scheme. But I'm not looking for her to spontaneously transform into a slut. We're talking about a minor change in behavior. And I'd be willing to accept other thoughtful gestures outside of sex like an offer to make dinner one night, the easing of any burden, whatever.

So in the car as we returned from getting coffee together, she said she slept great last night and didn't wake up once. I, on the other hand, woke up at 2 AM. The thought of trying to wake my her up for sex crossed my mind, but at the time I felt like she already could have had me if she wanted me. She made it pretty clear that she didn't want to, and I wasn't worth the effort. I went to our computer room and closed the door.

When I'm really turned on I feel like an starving animal. My heart races and I viciously scavenge for whatever will arouse me the most. I thought about all of the possible options -- movie clips on the Internet, porn DVDs, Second Life, but everything felt tried and done. And the damn cartoon website that I purchased a subscription to on Monday still hasn't created a login for me. I found some free erotic cartoons to look at. That led to looking at movie clips. I had been good about not saving any new porn to my computer for about a week, but I couldn't help myself, I needed to have them.

It's as if I'm not myself when I'm trying to get off. And the minute I have an orgasm I feel completely different. I feel like I don't understand why my desire was so pervasive just minutes ago. I feel like I can get on with my life. I can't say I feel shameful. I wouldn't like getting caught in the act, but it doesn't seem unnatural. I think our sex life would be better if my wife masturbated. She claims that she doesn't. I don't believe anyone who says they don't, however, my wife is Catholic and it goes without saying that religion can make you do some crazy things.

The movie clips I watched weren't enough, so I logged in to Second Life. First I played the role of a female and let other male avatars have their way with me. I came very close to voice-chatting with a girl but I didn't in the end. Then I created a fat, ugly and old male avatar, found the hottest virtual escort I could find, and hired her. That either implies that I'm quite full of self-loathing, or that the way my wife treats me sexually makes me feel very unattractive. Regardless, it seriously got me off.

In my real life I believe I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. I want equal interest and equal participation. But I sometimes fantacize about being cruelly dominant and taking advantage of women. I wish it weren't this way, but I'm fairly certain that having a beautiful woman like my wife reject me a good bit over time makes me hate her for rejecting me and hate myself for still wanting her. I can see that the longer our sex life remains unchanged, the more I will fantacize about being less respectful in bed, and the more I will want fantasy to spill into reality.

Once upon a time I was in a relationship where I openly shared all of my sexual habits and desires. I enjoyed being known inside and out, having no secrets. I have never been that intimate with my wife. She acts as though she has nothing to share in return. That's both dishonest and uninviting.

I Deserve Better

I would be better off if I could let go of any expectations of unprovoked sexual attention from my wife. I really thought she might jump me yesterday evening. We were able to have lunch together at one of our favorite restaurants in the afternoon and I fondly recalled to her the night before when I woke her up to have some fun. She said that she likes when I wake her up. I said I'd still like her to rip my clothes off sometime before we go to bed. It was light-handed reminder that didn't seem to make her angry or defensive.

In the past she had accused me of only bringing up the things I want her to do in our sex life that she doesn't do when we're in the middle of an argument. She claims that doesn't make her want to do them. That's fair. So instead I try to give her the occassional friendly reminder now. Not that it makes any difference. Obviously, when she claims that as a reason for not making an effort it's just another lame excuse. It's so much easier to put the blame back on me rather than saying, "You're right" or "I'm sorry."

But when I got home from work she was reading on the back porch. I told her I was going to work in the garden and she brought her chair over and continued reading near me. I thought she might be enjoying watching me shovel dirt and putting my back into it, and if ever my butt came within reach she grabbed it. We played with our dogs, walked them around the neighborhood. I made us dinner while she did the dishes. When I needed to reach around her to get at the sink she pushed her ass against my crotch. I said she was teasing me and she said I was teasing her. Then I went out and watered the plants while she finished watching CSI. I came back inside and told her that I was going to take a shower and then massage her into oblivion.

I think it's important to try and set a good example. I can't tell her that I want her to do things for me without being asked and then never do that myself. Getting a massage out of the blue is exactly the kind of thing I'd like her to do for me sometime, without me asking directly for one. So I massaged her head to toe with lotion. And sure, I enjoy putting my hands on her body. I won't pretend that it's entirely altruistic. But I would rather receive a massage than give one.

Even though I spent an hour bending over shoveling dirt right in front of her, there was no offer of a massage in return. Afterward she layed on me in just her panties and I stroked her head, groped at her ass. I was clean and smelling good from my shower, wearing nothing but loose-fitting pajamas. Apparently I wasn't putting out enough signs that I wanted her body. And I was reading too much into any of the signs I thought she was putting out. Eventually she stood up and and removed her panties in front of me. My dick said, "This is it! Here we go!" And she said, "Those are too tight. Let's go to bed."

It takes about 2 minutes for me to brush my teeth. By contrast, there is typically a half hour of abstract busyness in the bathroom before she gets in bed. Then we went to sleep. It may have been that I could have started kissing on her and got the wheels turning, but does it always have to be me? Does she have some unspoken rule about not having sex the day after we have sex? Does she think I'm uninterested, after I just worked every inch of her body with lotion for 20 minutes? Is she so self-interested that she can take all of my adoration, return none, and not feel the slightest bit guilty? Is it really that difficult to move one part of your body in some repetitive way for 5 to 10 minutes? Sure, I always prefer a longer session but I'm willing to enjoy the short version. What the fuck is wrong with her?

We've talked about it so many times, in so many different ways. It's not like an issue I bring up constantly. Always we'll talk about it or argue about it, then I let it go. For months! I give her a wide open opportunity to pick any random day to wear something special for me, to surprise me with sex. I don't think I nag. I really try not to nag. I try to be nothing but polite if I bring it up. But she will not bend. It can be only one of two possibilities, and either one shows total disrepect for me. Either she completely forgets everything I ask her to do the minute we stop talking about it, or she knows exactly what I expect from her and though she's agreeable to my face, she deliberately ignores it. Wouldn't that mean that she hates me on some level? If so, what did I ever do to deserve that?

When there's a conflict, it's reasonable to doubt your position. I believe I think about sex too much. I could stand to think about it less, yet sometimes it feels like it is out of my control. And I can look back on the times when I had really bad relationships, or had no one at all, and I'll start to wonder if having a beautiful girl walking around the house naked each day shouldn't be enough. At one point in my life, that is probably all I ever wanted, and I probably thought it was unattainable.

And we do have sex. The sex we have is good. She always seems to enjoy herself, and she's not the kind of person who would fake pleasure. She has no inhibitions about telling me what she likes and dislikes and I consider myself a passionate, attentive, and imaginative partner. And I believe I treat her just as well outside of the bedroom. I listen to her, I make her laugh. We do so many things together and get along just fine. I do not doubt that she loves me. But her love doesn't lead her to action.

And when I look at others' relationships, the way other guys like my coworkers act, I think I'm a fantastic husband. I'm funny, kind, I'm not unattractive. I think any girl would be lucky to have a guy like me. I'm not muscular, but I'm the lean body type that my wife likes. I don't pay a great deal of attention to the way I look, but I have spiked hair and a goatee because that's what my wife likes best. I'm not as assertive as I could be sometimes, but I think I'm friendly and open for a shy person. I hardly ever lose my temper, and am usually very calm and controlled. And though my wife isn't mean or unloving, I believe that I deserve better.

Think Of The Possibilities

Thus far it might sound like I'm blaming her for any and all problems we might have in our sex life, but I don't think that way about any problem in any relationship. It always takes two, and I recognize that there may be some things that I could do better, as well. It makes matters worse, though, when I ask her what I can do to improve my sex appeal and all she has ever told me is to not pick any dead skin off my body. Nice, huh? I could see how doing that might be unattractive, but I don't see how NOT doing that would make me more attractive. It suggests that there is nothing that I can do, and she already desires me as much as she ever will. Personally, I think that's a bullshit cop-out answer.

I think it goes without saying that women are attracted to men who are successful and show confidence. I think that is all I can try to improve upon. and deep down I think it's why I'm trying to draw more, just to find a way to shine. But I will probably only wind up disappointed if I think having an art show or selling illustrations will make my wife worship me. It's just too easy to take someone for granted when you have them nearby all of the time. Not to mention that no one is more empowered to boost my confidence than my wife. Yet she's done more to damage my pride than anyone else I know.

See, there was a time in our marriage where she was so obsessed with one crappy recording artist that it made me extremely jealous. I know it sounds stupid, but you have no idea how obsessed she was. Day after day she did nothing but obsess over him. It was as if every waking hour of her life was spent on this musician's message board, thinking about him, gathering all of his rare recordings, video taping a fire poi act choreographed to his music, pouring over his slightest appearance as a movie stand-in, ordering special clothes to wear at his band's concert so she would stand out from the crowd, waiting after the show to get his autograph, buying and trying to learn to play the instrument he plays... The list goes on and on.

All of that might have been acceptable if he was a well-known artist that any girl would be attracted to like David Bowie or Bruce Springsteen. But this guy is merely an over-the-hill bass player in a washed up, otherwise unknown band. One whose own solo career is so illustrious that he has to sell his CDs himself. Once my wife sent him a check for more money than his self-made CD costed! Fucking intolerable! And he can hardly sing! His voice sounds like a bag of dying cats! He looks like an ear of corn in sunglasses! It's still a really sore subject for me, can you tell?

That's the kind of adoration you should reserve for your spouse. You know, that person who you love so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her? Can you imagine what an ego I would have if my wife showed me half of that interest? If she bought an outfit to wear solely to get my attention? If she insisted upon posing for me to draw her?

Needless to say, we had it out after she went on a weekend getaway with a female friend who also thinks this bass player is God's gift to unappreciative women. We even went to a marriage counseling session. We're in a much better place in our relationship now than we were last year, but I still want more. I don't see why we can't both have what we want. It doesn't seem like it would be too much to give, it doesn't seem like we'd have to try so much harder.

My wife is one who has odd tastes in music, movies and books, and I see that she really wants to share it with other people. I try not to poke fun as harshly as the rest of her family, but it goes without saying that I'd be bringing home Hitchcock flicks all of the time if I thought it would make a difference in the way she treats me. I'd easily do any of the house chores that she hates to do for a healthy sex life. There are clearly things that she would like me to do for her, too. Why can't we both have the person we always dreamed of? Why is it too much to ask?

Once upon a time I thought, as a rule, that no one should ever use sex as a bargaining chip in a relationship. That would be unfair. It's not something to be used as an incentive, but something intimate that both individuals should enjoy. But if I did something to piss my wife off today, do you think we'd be having any sex until we made up? Highly doubtful. If it's going to be used as a negative stimulus, why shouldn't it be used a positive stimulus? Obviously I'd rather we be the best husband and wife we can be purely out of love for one another, but failing that, what's wrong with instituting "Home Improvement for Blowjobs Program." You'd be amazed at what I could accomplish.

Deep down, I have the sense that she is as good as she will ever get. She is as passionate toward me now as she will ever be. The kind of passion that feels as though she's letting me fuck her occassionally, if she happens to be in the mood. It's better than nothing, but not all it could be.

Sweet Dreams

So last night was fairly good. I worked enough on a new drawing in Adobe Flash to post it on my website. It's taken several days to get it to that point, though, so I think I need to find a quicker method of turning sketches into finished art. I want to complete 11 more in the same style in order to produce a calendar, and that could take more than a month at the current speed. The finished drawing looks good I think, but I like the way the line work looks on the original sketch better.

Right now I am reproducing every line of the original sketch in Adobe Flash and adding color to it, but maybe I can redraw the sketch in pen and ink before scanning it into the computer, or clean up the original drawing in Photoshop, or redraw it onscreen my WACOM table. Any one of those methods might save me time and let me focus more on colorizing and rendering the drawing on the computer.

I did look at a little bit of pornography yesterday evening, but didn't waste too much time on it, just glanced here and there while drawing without getting too aroused. It always seems that if I haven't had an orgasm in a few days, I wake up in the middle of the night with serious hard on. I used to search the TV for the slightest sex scene that might get me off, or get out of bed and look at porn on the computer, but I didn't need to do that last night.

See , back when we had DirecTV, I had ordered a few adult movies and watched them with my wife sleeping right beside me. She never woke up, but she eventually found out about it thanks to the monthly bill. I felt bad, but I can't help but think it was a good thing that she found out. Before I had ordered any adult movies, I had talked to her about trying to improve our sex life. She would agree to make more of an effort, but there would never be any significant change in her behavior. Then once she realized that I had ordered some movies, it sparked a long discussion between us and some things have changed for the better since then. Now if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can sometimes wake her up and we'll have sex together. I was able to wake her up last night and have some fun, so that was awesome.

That's definitely better than taking matters into my own hands, but I still dream of having her initiate sex out of the blue or maybe wearing something sexy just for me. Anything that would make our sex life a little more unpredictable. As it is, we use NFP as our method of contraception, so we already know exactly when we can and can't have sex. But on top of that, it seems like she only wants to have sex in bed at the very end of the day. I, on the other hand, prefer sex at any random any time of day EXCEPT when I am so exhausted that I have to go to bed to sleep.

Of course, if you're only having sex infrequently, it seems moronic to turn your wife down for any reason. But when the same thing happens over and over again, with her completely ignoring my own preference, it gets incredibly frustrating. We could be sitting on the couch side by side passively watching TV one instant, and then once I feel like I am so tired that I can't do anything else but sleep, that's when she starts coming on to me. It's not exactly inspiring to think that she'd rather finish watching whatever TV show over having sex with me, either.

So when the same script plays out time and time again, I think it becomes a bigger issue and represents a lack of consideration on her part. And it gets me to thinking about other things she doesn't do for me. And by no means do I think I'm the perfect husband, but I do take pleasure in helping her out when I can. I'll iron her clothes in the morning if she's late, offer to pick up things she needs from whatever store, things like that. Where she will do the specific things I ask her to do, she doesn't really come up with her own ideas to add a little happiness to my life. And I don't think we should always have to ask each other for every little thing or constantly remind one another to be supportive. If that is the case, it shows that we really aren't thinking about each other at all.

I Love Porn

I'm fairly certain I'm addicted to pornography. Sometimes I feel like I look forward to it too much and I try to cut back, try to keep myself busy with something else. It's most difficult when I have time alone. It seems like there's nothing more I'd rather do than look at pornography when I'm alone.

A short while ago I had a week off from work and I indulged quite a bit. I even tried something I'd never tried before -- voice chatting with a phone sex operator over Skype. I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. As far as vices go, I think once you allow yourself to try something for the first time, it becomes a possible option from then on. Now, even though the whole experience made me feel lame, I still think about having more phone sex over Skype. I think it's likely that I will sometime.

Maybe I felt like I'd hit bottom when I did that, though, so I removed all of the pornography from my computer. I didn't delete it, of course, I just burned it to a DVD that now sits on a spool of other DVDs right in arm's reach of my computer. At one time I moved all of the DVDs up into the attic, which is significantly more difficult to get to. It requires moving a car out of the garage and unfolding a ladder. I thought that would help, but eventually I moved them back to a more convenient place.

I do have a wife to hide them from, but sometimes the best hiding place is in plain sight. But of course a part of me wouldn't mind her finding my stash of DVDs. I think the fact that she hasn't after all of this time makes it pretty clear that she doesn't pay enough attention to me. We do have sex, probably 4 or 5 times a month, not nearly as often as I would like. A lot of the time we're just not in sync. I love having sex with her, but I've really grown to resent the rejections and the lack of passion she expresses toward me. We've talked about it so many times, but she never really makes any effort to try and improve the situation. I really believe I could leave pornography behind if she tried a bit harder to meet my needs, and I'm certain that I'm attracted to pornography out of frustration and aggression toward her.

Sometimes its easy to take a break from pornography because I feel like I've seen all there is to see. It's not to say that it ceases to turn me on, but what I usually seek in pornography is a higher level of arousal. It's like searching for the hottest girl you can imagine, doing the sluttiest acts you can possibly conceive of. Nowadays I feel like I won't see or experience anything better than what I already have. There are no girls sexier than the ones I have seen, no positions I haven't watched before. And since phone sex made me feel more awkward than aroused, I don't believe escalating my vice by going to nude bars or getting lap dances would make me feel any different. Maybe it gets too human or too real to be a fantasy for me.

I don't have any real moral issue with looking at pornography. I don't feel like anyone involved in it is so much of a victim. It is clearly a very profitable industry for men and women alike. I only feel like I need to separate myself from it because it's such a waste of time. I see that I could accomplish a lot more in my life if I could give it up and ignore the desire. I don't like looking forward to the times when my wife won't be around so I'll stand a chance of feeling good, but there again, I don't think it's solely my fault that I sometimes feel that way.

I have tried turning the desire into something useful. I've actually tried making my own erotic animations. Although I never finished any to the degree that I could sell them, I did learn a lot more about drawing and animating in Adobe Flash. I have made money selling virtual sex and virtual lingerie in a game called Second Life, so much so that I was able to buy myself an iPod. I hate having that secret though and feeling like I'm leading a double life. As much as I might fantasize about sex with my wife of other beautiful women, I also fantacize about having the utmost self control, and never feeling like there is an aspect of my life I would be embarassed to talk about.

I am not trying to sound immodest, but I believe I have a lot of creative talent, and after so many years of not drawing or making artwork, I'm really trying to get back into it. I want to develop enough of a consistent style that I can sell illustrations. But to do that, I need to make better use of my time, and work harder to draw every single day of my life. Up until this last weekend I felt really proud of myself. I had produced a lot of new drawings and was doing something creative most every day. Even when I was alone, I wasn't resorting to looking at pornography on the Internet.

This weekend was all about my wife, though. We visited her parents in Tallahassee, and just ran from one boring event to the next. I hate when she complains about doing things with my family, so I didn't complain to her about it. Still, right or wrong, it made me angry. Her Mom is essentially crazy -- completely insecure and constantly bickering at high volume with everyone else in the family. I hate being around her, I hate that she is unhappy, I would prefer that she be happy with her life, but she, like my wife, is too self-righteous to change on her own, and too stubborn to change for anyone else, so no one even bothers to try to talk to her about it.

I did get to sketch in my sketchbook on one or two car rides, but that was it. We got home at midnight on Sunday and then it was back to work. I tried to get back into the swing of things Monday night. And after weeks and weeks of no sex, my wife and I finally fucked. But I was pretty sure that meant we wouldn't have sex Tuesday night. Her desire is just that low. So when she fell asleep on the couch early in the evening, I just let myself go. I paid for a subscription to an erotic cartoon website, looked at movie clips on the Internet, had virtual sex in SecondLife. Part of me felt fantastic and satiated, while the other felt frustrated, like the entire day had been wasted.

During the day I work in a cubicle, and just like at home, I find it very difficult to work up the motivation to be productive. It is hard to say how much of that is caused by a fear of failure and how much is just plain laziness. I probably really work a fraction of the time I should during the day. The rest of the time I am just passing the day, waiting for 4 o'clock so I can go home. I find I can accomplish a lot when I have the sense that people are thankful for my contribution, but lately it seems like I've been under fire by some other staff, and nothing activates my passive-aggressive bad work habits quite like that.

When I look back on when I was younger, in high school and in college, I would say that I was generally very depressed. These days I think I like myself a bit more. Although I don't think looking at pornography bears that out, I have been able to break free from it here and there, and I think having this desire to treat myself better is a good sign. I wish my wife would help me more and be more supportive, maybe stoke my ego instead of trampling on it.