Think Of The Possibilities

Thus far it might sound like I'm blaming her for any and all problems we might have in our sex life, but I don't think that way about any problem in any relationship. It always takes two, and I recognize that there may be some things that I could do better, as well. It makes matters worse, though, when I ask her what I can do to improve my sex appeal and all she has ever told me is to not pick any dead skin off my body. Nice, huh? I could see how doing that might be unattractive, but I don't see how NOT doing that would make me more attractive. It suggests that there is nothing that I can do, and she already desires me as much as she ever will. Personally, I think that's a bullshit cop-out answer.

I think it goes without saying that women are attracted to men who are successful and show confidence. I think that is all I can try to improve upon. and deep down I think it's why I'm trying to draw more, just to find a way to shine. But I will probably only wind up disappointed if I think having an art show or selling illustrations will make my wife worship me. It's just too easy to take someone for granted when you have them nearby all of the time. Not to mention that no one is more empowered to boost my confidence than my wife. Yet she's done more to damage my pride than anyone else I know.

See, there was a time in our marriage where she was so obsessed with one crappy recording artist that it made me extremely jealous. I know it sounds stupid, but you have no idea how obsessed she was. Day after day she did nothing but obsess over him. It was as if every waking hour of her life was spent on this musician's message board, thinking about him, gathering all of his rare recordings, video taping a fire poi act choreographed to his music, pouring over his slightest appearance as a movie stand-in, ordering special clothes to wear at his band's concert so she would stand out from the crowd, waiting after the show to get his autograph, buying and trying to learn to play the instrument he plays... The list goes on and on.

All of that might have been acceptable if he was a well-known artist that any girl would be attracted to like David Bowie or Bruce Springsteen. But this guy is merely an over-the-hill bass player in a washed up, otherwise unknown band. One whose own solo career is so illustrious that he has to sell his CDs himself. Once my wife sent him a check for more money than his self-made CD costed! Fucking intolerable! And he can hardly sing! His voice sounds like a bag of dying cats! He looks like an ear of corn in sunglasses! It's still a really sore subject for me, can you tell?

That's the kind of adoration you should reserve for your spouse. You know, that person who you love so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her? Can you imagine what an ego I would have if my wife showed me half of that interest? If she bought an outfit to wear solely to get my attention? If she insisted upon posing for me to draw her?

Needless to say, we had it out after she went on a weekend getaway with a female friend who also thinks this bass player is God's gift to unappreciative women. We even went to a marriage counseling session. We're in a much better place in our relationship now than we were last year, but I still want more. I don't see why we can't both have what we want. It doesn't seem like it would be too much to give, it doesn't seem like we'd have to try so much harder.

My wife is one who has odd tastes in music, movies and books, and I see that she really wants to share it with other people. I try not to poke fun as harshly as the rest of her family, but it goes without saying that I'd be bringing home Hitchcock flicks all of the time if I thought it would make a difference in the way she treats me. I'd easily do any of the house chores that she hates to do for a healthy sex life. There are clearly things that she would like me to do for her, too. Why can't we both have the person we always dreamed of? Why is it too much to ask?

Once upon a time I thought, as a rule, that no one should ever use sex as a bargaining chip in a relationship. That would be unfair. It's not something to be used as an incentive, but something intimate that both individuals should enjoy. But if I did something to piss my wife off today, do you think we'd be having any sex until we made up? Highly doubtful. If it's going to be used as a negative stimulus, why shouldn't it be used a positive stimulus? Obviously I'd rather we be the best husband and wife we can be purely out of love for one another, but failing that, what's wrong with instituting "Home Improvement for Blowjobs Program." You'd be amazed at what I could accomplish.

Deep down, I have the sense that she is as good as she will ever get. She is as passionate toward me now as she will ever be. The kind of passion that feels as though she's letting me fuck her occassionally, if she happens to be in the mood. It's better than nothing, but not all it could be.