Balance

When I was recording my wife's temperature on our Natural Family Planning chart this morning I saw that we had sex just four days ago on Thursday. We did? I barely remember it. I recall that we wrestled again Thursday night, still fighting to lick one another's noses. I took that to mean that I won when we wrestled on Wednesday night and she was just itching for a rematch. I guess we did have sex, though. I'm pretty sure I woke her up in the middle of the night, and we were both dog-tired on Friday because of it.

So she's in the fertile phase of her cycle now and we didn't fool around this weekend. I suppose that's fine. We were still plenty affectionate with one another. And we had a good amount of sex during her last cycle, but I will always want more. Such is male sexuality.

Of course, this morning and yesterday morning I was dying to rub myself against her ass. My wife's body is so curvy, when she lays on her side there is such a drop in altitude from her hips to her waist, I can't keep from sliding my hands over her contours. But she sleeps like it's her mission in life, and I know that she'd prefer to get another 15 minutes of rest over being my own personal fuck toy, so I let her sleep. But I still dreamed of her grabbing my cock, pushing her ass into me and begging for me to fuck her.

In relationships, I tend to want what I give. And something I think I give my wife is confidence in the fact that I love her body. For instance, she knows without a doubt that I love her butt, so much so that I love to smack it, grab it, pinch it, bite it, and talk about it most every time I see it. That would probably bother any other girl, but she finds it endearing. She smacks and grabs my ass, too, and I enjoy that, too.

But it's not the same when she does it to me. When I see her butt, I lust after it. It's like a call to action. I see it and I want it and I have to do something about it. I can't ignore it, I can only try to pretend that I can. When I put my arm around her warm naked body in bed, I salivate, my heart starts beating faster, and I have to fight the urge to take her. And, sure, I know it's probably unrealistic to wish that male and female sexuality would be the least bit similar. But, then again, I think anyone, male or female, would love to be so desired.

When she grabs or smacks my butt, it's sweet and it's novel, but it goes without saying that I'd much prefer my hard cock to be the object of her desire. I'd like the sight of it to make her want to touch it, stroke it, lick it, suck it and put it inside her. Even if it's just on my birthday. And maybe Christmas, too. See, if I wanted to try and turn her on, I don't really know if she wants to have sex unless she is deliberately putting out signs. And even then I have to start from scratch with getting her turned on. But if I already have a hard on, it's already apparent that I want to have sex. She has no reason to fear a possible rejection. Furthermore, I'm clearly already aroused, she doesn't have to try and put me in the mood. My mood is set.

So we had a good weekend overall, got along great, and I'm still really happy she's making more of an effort to improve our marriage. Most recently she bought herself a matching set of underwear from Target. See, she has all kinds of bras and panties and thongs, but she never seems to have or to wear matching sets. I get that she's being practical and probably wearing the ones that fit best or won't show through he clothes, but I think it's sexy for her to wear bras and panties that go together, so it's like an outfit. I've told her this in the past and she's only agreed that she'd wear whatever matching sets I bought for her. She's never taken it into consideration until now.

Even though we're doing really well, I was still really bad about looking at pornography this weekend. On Sunday morning my wife was teaching a Sunday school class for our local church, so I was home alone for 2 or 3 hours. I could have worked on something productive like finishing some drawings, but I spent the entire time looking at erotic cartoons and playing Second Life. She wanted me to meet her for the Sunday Mass at 11 o'clock and I was late getting there.

As much as I would love for my wife to lust after me, I'd be just as happy if I were as little interested in sex as she can be. I think about sex constantly and every day I am faced with the choice of either giving into my desire or fighting it. And I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. It seems like my sexuality will always be a source of conflict and the best I can hope for is a balance. These days I'm leaning too far toward intemperance and it would be good to show more self control. But tonight my wife won't be home until late.