I Deserve Better

I would be better off if I could let go of any expectations of unprovoked sexual attention from my wife. I really thought she might jump me yesterday evening. We were able to have lunch together at one of our favorite restaurants in the afternoon and I fondly recalled to her the night before when I woke her up to have some fun. She said that she likes when I wake her up. I said I'd still like her to rip my clothes off sometime before we go to bed. It was light-handed reminder that didn't seem to make her angry or defensive.

In the past she had accused me of only bringing up the things I want her to do in our sex life that she doesn't do when we're in the middle of an argument. She claims that doesn't make her want to do them. That's fair. So instead I try to give her the occassional friendly reminder now. Not that it makes any difference. Obviously, when she claims that as a reason for not making an effort it's just another lame excuse. It's so much easier to put the blame back on me rather than saying, "You're right" or "I'm sorry."

But when I got home from work she was reading on the back porch. I told her I was going to work in the garden and she brought her chair over and continued reading near me. I thought she might be enjoying watching me shovel dirt and putting my back into it, and if ever my butt came within reach she grabbed it. We played with our dogs, walked them around the neighborhood. I made us dinner while she did the dishes. When I needed to reach around her to get at the sink she pushed her ass against my crotch. I said she was teasing me and she said I was teasing her. Then I went out and watered the plants while she finished watching CSI. I came back inside and told her that I was going to take a shower and then massage her into oblivion.

I think it's important to try and set a good example. I can't tell her that I want her to do things for me without being asked and then never do that myself. Getting a massage out of the blue is exactly the kind of thing I'd like her to do for me sometime, without me asking directly for one. So I massaged her head to toe with lotion. And sure, I enjoy putting my hands on her body. I won't pretend that it's entirely altruistic. But I would rather receive a massage than give one.

Even though I spent an hour bending over shoveling dirt right in front of her, there was no offer of a massage in return. Afterward she layed on me in just her panties and I stroked her head, groped at her ass. I was clean and smelling good from my shower, wearing nothing but loose-fitting pajamas. Apparently I wasn't putting out enough signs that I wanted her body. And I was reading too much into any of the signs I thought she was putting out. Eventually she stood up and and removed her panties in front of me. My dick said, "This is it! Here we go!" And she said, "Those are too tight. Let's go to bed."

It takes about 2 minutes for me to brush my teeth. By contrast, there is typically a half hour of abstract busyness in the bathroom before she gets in bed. Then we went to sleep. It may have been that I could have started kissing on her and got the wheels turning, but does it always have to be me? Does she have some unspoken rule about not having sex the day after we have sex? Does she think I'm uninterested, after I just worked every inch of her body with lotion for 20 minutes? Is she so self-interested that she can take all of my adoration, return none, and not feel the slightest bit guilty? Is it really that difficult to move one part of your body in some repetitive way for 5 to 10 minutes? Sure, I always prefer a longer session but I'm willing to enjoy the short version. What the fuck is wrong with her?

We've talked about it so many times, in so many different ways. It's not like an issue I bring up constantly. Always we'll talk about it or argue about it, then I let it go. For months! I give her a wide open opportunity to pick any random day to wear something special for me, to surprise me with sex. I don't think I nag. I really try not to nag. I try to be nothing but polite if I bring it up. But she will not bend. It can be only one of two possibilities, and either one shows total disrepect for me. Either she completely forgets everything I ask her to do the minute we stop talking about it, or she knows exactly what I expect from her and though she's agreeable to my face, she deliberately ignores it. Wouldn't that mean that she hates me on some level? If so, what did I ever do to deserve that?

When there's a conflict, it's reasonable to doubt your position. I believe I think about sex too much. I could stand to think about it less, yet sometimes it feels like it is out of my control. And I can look back on the times when I had really bad relationships, or had no one at all, and I'll start to wonder if having a beautiful girl walking around the house naked each day shouldn't be enough. At one point in my life, that is probably all I ever wanted, and I probably thought it was unattainable.

And we do have sex. The sex we have is good. She always seems to enjoy herself, and she's not the kind of person who would fake pleasure. She has no inhibitions about telling me what she likes and dislikes and I consider myself a passionate, attentive, and imaginative partner. And I believe I treat her just as well outside of the bedroom. I listen to her, I make her laugh. We do so many things together and get along just fine. I do not doubt that she loves me. But her love doesn't lead her to action.

And when I look at others' relationships, the way other guys like my coworkers act, I think I'm a fantastic husband. I'm funny, kind, I'm not unattractive. I think any girl would be lucky to have a guy like me. I'm not muscular, but I'm the lean body type that my wife likes. I don't pay a great deal of attention to the way I look, but I have spiked hair and a goatee because that's what my wife likes best. I'm not as assertive as I could be sometimes, but I think I'm friendly and open for a shy person. I hardly ever lose my temper, and am usually very calm and controlled. And though my wife isn't mean or unloving, I believe that I deserve better.