This blog is over and done with. It has been useful. It helped me see the way sexual intimacy can ebb and flow in a marriage. I guess I was always secretly hoping that I would discover some new perspective or find the right attitude to make my situation easier. That, of course, in lieu of identifying some experimental drug or hairstyle or spot on my wife's body that would instantly turn her into a carefree nymphomaniac.
But it is as good as it gets now, and I don't say that with any downtrodden tone. It's actually pretty decent. Because recently, for the past few weeks I would say, we've been in love. We haven't been arguing or at each other's throats. I feel like we accept one another's differences and even appreciate them. We went on a vacation up in the mountains of North Carolina and got along like we were made for each other. And I know it will change sometime. One of us will say or do something and it will turn sour again. That's just the way it goes.
I still want the things that I want (ie: random spontaneous blowjobs) but those are probably unrealistic expectations, and holding on to them would just be a recipe for resentment. The gist of everything I wrote here seemed to be that I wanted my wife to make more of an effort and pay me more sexual attention. But I have to acknowledge that I don't do everything I could or should either. There are a lot of things I need to work on all on my own. The endless pursuit of hedonistic bliss is empty. It won't make our marriage stronger or make me a better person. So, the end.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Virtually Deviant
My workplace is now able to track the websites we visit, so I'm not able to make new posts as often anymore. So it's been two months. What has happened? Sexually, not much. We use Natural Family Planning to track when my wife is fertile and infertile. Our sexual activity during her two cycles in May and June was almost identical. With each cycle, we had sex just three times while she was infertile and oral sex twice while she was. Her most recent cycle wasn't easy to read, so we ended up having sex only once.
The irony is that her big case for us to use NFP originally, apart from her being Catholic and knowing that condoms make Jesus cry, was so she wouldn't have to be putting drugs in her body all of the time. And I can understand that. I hardly ever take medicine. I find that ailments tend to go away on their own, given time. Well I would bet half of the reason her cycle was so screwed up was because of the other nonbirth control drugs that she does take. She always seems to be struggling with one health issue after another. She takes drugs for migraines, drugs for acne, drugs for recurring sinus infections. Meanwhile I just eat and poop. Breathe in and breathe out. And my penis is always loaded and ready to fire.
So this is how it is and how it will be. My sex drive will always be stronger than my wife's. The greatest amount of sexual attention she can give me will never be enough. I will always look forward to moments of privacy for the sake of looking at pornography. I will experience times when I feel very close to my wife, and feel all of the love I think I should. Other times I'll suspect deep down that there is someone better for me out there. Like a blonde atheist nymphomaniac.
You know what turns me on? Sexual deviance. I don't mean infidelity or weird sex. Just that sense that someone would not approve of the sex you are having. See, the sex I have with my wife is predominantly at home in bed, and where any sex is good sex, my fondest memories are of fucking in places you shouldn't get caught fucking. My wife doesn't star in most of those memories. Once she and I fucked in a county park and that was nice.
She doesn't really share my need for sexual adventure. I think in her mind she's very sexual. But the last time I got her to wear lingerie for me, she just shook her head as she put it on, like she didn't understand the attraction. She thinks road head is too dangerous. At the thought of having sex in the ocean, she says "ew." My need still persists, however, and often I think I'm on a very gradual path toward greater sexual deviance.
Where up until recently the most deviant thing I ever tried online was voice chatting with virtual hookers on SecondLife, a few weeks ago I played on a webcam with one. I had been thinking about it for a long time. There is one chick who just looks amazing. She wasn't available when I had the time, but I had fun with someone just as good. It only costed about $15 for 10 minutes, and I paid for it with money I got from selling virtual clothes. Now that I've tried this, I wonder what I'll try next.
The irony is that her big case for us to use NFP originally, apart from her being Catholic and knowing that condoms make Jesus cry, was so she wouldn't have to be putting drugs in her body all of the time. And I can understand that. I hardly ever take medicine. I find that ailments tend to go away on their own, given time. Well I would bet half of the reason her cycle was so screwed up was because of the other nonbirth control drugs that she does take. She always seems to be struggling with one health issue after another. She takes drugs for migraines, drugs for acne, drugs for recurring sinus infections. Meanwhile I just eat and poop. Breathe in and breathe out. And my penis is always loaded and ready to fire.
So this is how it is and how it will be. My sex drive will always be stronger than my wife's. The greatest amount of sexual attention she can give me will never be enough. I will always look forward to moments of privacy for the sake of looking at pornography. I will experience times when I feel very close to my wife, and feel all of the love I think I should. Other times I'll suspect deep down that there is someone better for me out there. Like a blonde atheist nymphomaniac.
You know what turns me on? Sexual deviance. I don't mean infidelity or weird sex. Just that sense that someone would not approve of the sex you are having. See, the sex I have with my wife is predominantly at home in bed, and where any sex is good sex, my fondest memories are of fucking in places you shouldn't get caught fucking. My wife doesn't star in most of those memories. Once she and I fucked in a county park and that was nice.
She doesn't really share my need for sexual adventure. I think in her mind she's very sexual. But the last time I got her to wear lingerie for me, she just shook her head as she put it on, like she didn't understand the attraction. She thinks road head is too dangerous. At the thought of having sex in the ocean, she says "ew." My need still persists, however, and often I think I'm on a very gradual path toward greater sexual deviance.
Where up until recently the most deviant thing I ever tried online was voice chatting with virtual hookers on SecondLife, a few weeks ago I played on a webcam with one. I had been thinking about it for a long time. There is one chick who just looks amazing. She wasn't available when I had the time, but I had fun with someone just as good. It only costed about $15 for 10 minutes, and I paid for it with money I got from selling virtual clothes. Now that I've tried this, I wonder what I'll try next.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Massage?
Yesterday was a good. It was nice having the day off from work. I slept in, but didn't waste much time after I woke up. I cleaned up around the house, did all of the laundry I had piling up. My wife was coming home from her business trip today, so I wanted the place to look decent. It was our anniversary, but since she wouldn't be getting in until late we decided we'd celebrate the day after. She originally said that her flight would be getting in at around 8pm, but her last meeting ended early so she was going to arrive at around 6pm instead. I hadn't gotten her any presents yet, so I headed out to shop.
The first thing I wanted to get was a white bird of paradise plant. She's wanted one for a long time. Luckily the first nursery I stopped at had one. They were all the same price regardless of size, so I got the biggest one there. It barely fit in the car. I had planned to stay out shopping and then go straight to the airport, but having that huge thing in the car would make it all too apparent that I did all of my shopping at the last minute, so I drove it home. That ate up a half hour.
Next, she had specifically asked for a cool shirt from one of the clothing boutiques in St. Augustine. Earlier in the week, I had checked at two of the shops she likes and they didn't have anything. I remembered another place she's bought clothes from and went there. The two hippie girls minding the store flirted with me and I felt cool. I found a shirt that I liked, so I got it. The girls told me about another store I could try, so I went over there and the selection really sucked.
I decided to go to the Avenues Mall next since it's on the way to the airport. Near there is a Best Buy where I figured I could find her a CD and one of the Doctor Who seasons on DVD. All they had was the most recent season that she just watched and it was $83 freakin' dollars. What the hell? There isn't a single special effect on that show worth $83 freakin' dollars. I did find a CD, but I only had three things to give her. I wanted to find at least one other gift.
I hadn't planned on going into the mall, but she also had some perfume on her wishlist. Maybe I could get it from a perfume counter. I had about 30 minutes left before I needed to get to the airport. I stopped in Dillards and learned that the perfume she wanted is not sold anymore. Good to know. I knew she'd be happy with 3 gifts, but I still felt screwed. I went into the mall to look for a Suncoast video, maybe they'd have more Doctor Who DVDs. I didn't see any video stores on the directory, though. Damn it.
I still had time to kill so I walked around. There was some store called Fye that had a lot of DVDs. What a relief! I headed over to the "D" section and all they had was the same one as Best Buy. For $90 dollars! Fuck that! I'll get an earlier season online. Then I went in Hot Topic to look for a cool shirt. Success! They had a white Bowie shirt. But not in her size. So unfair.
On my way out I stopped at a little perfume cart. It was staffed by a bunch of shady Slavs, so I thought they might have some blackmarket items. Sure enough, they said they had it! I win! The girl looked and looked though her cabinet. She talked about it with one of the other dudes in their native tongue. She called someone on her cell phone. They didn't have it. They thought they did, but they didn't. So cruel.
It was time to head to the airport. I got there right on time. I was glad to see her. We came straight home without much traffic. She told me about her trip. I told her about some things I had taken care of before I left the house, like calling our home insurance company and getting our premium reduced, and booking a flight for our vacation in November. She said, "Wow, you've been busy." Not quite, but she doesn't need to know I took the day off from work and crammed it all into one day. I still felt proud of what I accomplished.
At home, we exchanged presents. We didn't bother wrapping them. I had three things for her and she had two for me. Then I washed our sheets, made us some dinner, hung up some laundry. While I hadn't been good about communicating my feelings before she left, I decided that I wouldn't talk about sex unless she brought it up. I think she's in the infertile phase of her cycle, so it's likely that we'll have sex soon. I don't need to press the issue.
We were sitting on the couch watching TV in our pajamas and she got up, sat down on the floor in front of me and unzipped her top. She wasn't facing me though. She wanted me to massage her neck and shoulders. So I did. I ran my fingers through her hair and she asked, "Massage?"
I replied, "Yes, please." I wanted a massage, too.
She meant that she wanted me to massage her head, not just run my fingers through her hair. I laughed. When I was done, she thanked me, but didn't offer me one. I wasn't really angry or disappointed. I did miss her and was glad to have her home. I just thought to myself, It must be nice to have someone so attentive to your needs. I made the bed and we went to sleep. I took care not to spoon with her during the night so I wouldn't get aroused. I want her, but for the moment, I can be patient.
The first thing I wanted to get was a white bird of paradise plant. She's wanted one for a long time. Luckily the first nursery I stopped at had one. They were all the same price regardless of size, so I got the biggest one there. It barely fit in the car. I had planned to stay out shopping and then go straight to the airport, but having that huge thing in the car would make it all too apparent that I did all of my shopping at the last minute, so I drove it home. That ate up a half hour.
Next, she had specifically asked for a cool shirt from one of the clothing boutiques in St. Augustine. Earlier in the week, I had checked at two of the shops she likes and they didn't have anything. I remembered another place she's bought clothes from and went there. The two hippie girls minding the store flirted with me and I felt cool. I found a shirt that I liked, so I got it. The girls told me about another store I could try, so I went over there and the selection really sucked.
I decided to go to the Avenues Mall next since it's on the way to the airport. Near there is a Best Buy where I figured I could find her a CD and one of the Doctor Who seasons on DVD. All they had was the most recent season that she just watched and it was $83 freakin' dollars. What the hell? There isn't a single special effect on that show worth $83 freakin' dollars. I did find a CD, but I only had three things to give her. I wanted to find at least one other gift.
I hadn't planned on going into the mall, but she also had some perfume on her wishlist. Maybe I could get it from a perfume counter. I had about 30 minutes left before I needed to get to the airport. I stopped in Dillards and learned that the perfume she wanted is not sold anymore. Good to know. I knew she'd be happy with 3 gifts, but I still felt screwed. I went into the mall to look for a Suncoast video, maybe they'd have more Doctor Who DVDs. I didn't see any video stores on the directory, though. Damn it.
I still had time to kill so I walked around. There was some store called Fye that had a lot of DVDs. What a relief! I headed over to the "D" section and all they had was the same one as Best Buy. For $90 dollars! Fuck that! I'll get an earlier season online. Then I went in Hot Topic to look for a cool shirt. Success! They had a white Bowie shirt. But not in her size. So unfair.
On my way out I stopped at a little perfume cart. It was staffed by a bunch of shady Slavs, so I thought they might have some blackmarket items. Sure enough, they said they had it! I win! The girl looked and looked though her cabinet. She talked about it with one of the other dudes in their native tongue. She called someone on her cell phone. They didn't have it. They thought they did, but they didn't. So cruel.
It was time to head to the airport. I got there right on time. I was glad to see her. We came straight home without much traffic. She told me about her trip. I told her about some things I had taken care of before I left the house, like calling our home insurance company and getting our premium reduced, and booking a flight for our vacation in November. She said, "Wow, you've been busy." Not quite, but she doesn't need to know I took the day off from work and crammed it all into one day. I still felt proud of what I accomplished.
At home, we exchanged presents. We didn't bother wrapping them. I had three things for her and she had two for me. Then I washed our sheets, made us some dinner, hung up some laundry. While I hadn't been good about communicating my feelings before she left, I decided that I wouldn't talk about sex unless she brought it up. I think she's in the infertile phase of her cycle, so it's likely that we'll have sex soon. I don't need to press the issue.
We were sitting on the couch watching TV in our pajamas and she got up, sat down on the floor in front of me and unzipped her top. She wasn't facing me though. She wanted me to massage her neck and shoulders. So I did. I ran my fingers through her hair and she asked, "Massage?"
I replied, "Yes, please." I wanted a massage, too.
She meant that she wanted me to massage her head, not just run my fingers through her hair. I laughed. When I was done, she thanked me, but didn't offer me one. I wasn't really angry or disappointed. I did miss her and was glad to have her home. I just thought to myself, It must be nice to have someone so attentive to your needs. I made the bed and we went to sleep. I took care not to spoon with her during the night so I wouldn't get aroused. I want her, but for the moment, I can be patient.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Best Wishes
I made all of the preparations, but I'm not going to do it. I went to the grocery store earlier in the week and got cash back with my purchase so I would have dollar bills. I took tomorrow off from work incase I would be out late tonight. I got the directions and found out all that I could about the place, but I'm not going to a strip club tonight.
I've already spent the last three afternoons indulging in so much porn, I feel a little low. Only because there are more useful things I could have done with my free time. I've already wasted a lot of time on adult entertainment, I don't need to start wasting money, too. What I really want is sex with a beautiful girl, and everything else that is bought and sold just pales in comparison.
My moods change like tropical weather I know, but tonight I don't want to be patronized by a half-naked girl who's only friendly with me for my money. That's for the really pathetic guys who have never had sex with a beautiful woman. I would like to have the experience of going to a strip joint before I die, but not under these circumstances. Not while I have no buddies who will go with me. I wouldn't want my wife to be deceitful while we're apart, so I shouldn't be either.
I wish for so many things. I wish my sexual desire weren't so strong, or so disproportionate to that of my wife. I wish she recognized it, understood it, and always wanted to satisfy it. I wish she would condition me like a docile animal and fuck me for good behavior, rather than leaving me lost in the maze. I do poorly and get nothing, I do well and get nothing. I do exceptionally well and still get nothing. Then I get a reward not knowing how or why.
I wish my sex life didn't account for such a large portion of my happiness. I wish she truly found me irresistable like I find her. I wish she took the same pleasure in making me happy. If I asked her, she would say that she does. But that's not always my experience.
I wish my moods were more consistent. I wish my resolve would stick, when I resolve not to feel sorry for myself anymore, or when I resolve not to let our sexual differences constantly bother me. I wish I focussed all of my energy on creative work. I wish it felt easy to be open with my wife. I wish she wanted me to be. She would say that she does, but she doesn't ask me to be.
I've already spent the last three afternoons indulging in so much porn, I feel a little low. Only because there are more useful things I could have done with my free time. I've already wasted a lot of time on adult entertainment, I don't need to start wasting money, too. What I really want is sex with a beautiful girl, and everything else that is bought and sold just pales in comparison.
My moods change like tropical weather I know, but tonight I don't want to be patronized by a half-naked girl who's only friendly with me for my money. That's for the really pathetic guys who have never had sex with a beautiful woman. I would like to have the experience of going to a strip joint before I die, but not under these circumstances. Not while I have no buddies who will go with me. I wouldn't want my wife to be deceitful while we're apart, so I shouldn't be either.
I wish for so many things. I wish my sexual desire weren't so strong, or so disproportionate to that of my wife. I wish she recognized it, understood it, and always wanted to satisfy it. I wish she would condition me like a docile animal and fuck me for good behavior, rather than leaving me lost in the maze. I do poorly and get nothing, I do well and get nothing. I do exceptionally well and still get nothing. Then I get a reward not knowing how or why.
I wish my sex life didn't account for such a large portion of my happiness. I wish she truly found me irresistable like I find her. I wish she took the same pleasure in making me happy. If I asked her, she would say that she does. But that's not always my experience.
I wish my moods were more consistent. I wish my resolve would stick, when I resolve not to feel sorry for myself anymore, or when I resolve not to let our sexual differences constantly bother me. I wish I focussed all of my energy on creative work. I wish it felt easy to be open with my wife. I wish she wanted me to be. She would say that she does, but she doesn't ask me to be.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Home Alone
I left work early to drive my wife to the airport. It was in the middle of rush hour so between the drive home from work, to the airport and then back home again, I was on the road for three and half hours. The stop and go traffic was driving me mad. Once I got home, I looked ravenously at porn on the Internet. Over the years I've saved plenty of porn and accumulated a small stash of DVDs, but it's never quite as interesting as new porn. A good part of the excitement is the hunt. I looked at photos and videos for hours. I couldn't get enough. I was so ready to pay for a ten minute live webcam personal strip show. I could pay for it through SecondLife so my wife would never know. The girl never came online, though. I was so disappointed. She looked so hot, I doubt she really does webcam shows. It may just be a scheme.
All frustrations aside, I already miss my wife's companionship. I just miss the sense of her presence in the house. Most of what she talks about is so uninteresting to me. She tells me all about people I've never met, about bands and musicians she knows I don't like, about the pharmaceuticals she sells and the doctors with whom she meets for her job. Sometimes I am glad to have her talk to me because I don't have anything to say. Most of the time I wish she would only tell me entertaining things and things I need to know. I usually wish I had more to tell her, but my life is very uninteresting and I don't do much to change that. Having her in the house means there will be things for me to do, though, so I'm not missing that. I had beer for dinner last night and coffee for breakfast, because no one needs me to make meals. I don't treat myself well without a partner around, but I seriously enjoy the freedom.
All frustrations aside, I already miss my wife's companionship. I just miss the sense of her presence in the house. Most of what she talks about is so uninteresting to me. She tells me all about people I've never met, about bands and musicians she knows I don't like, about the pharmaceuticals she sells and the doctors with whom she meets for her job. Sometimes I am glad to have her talk to me because I don't have anything to say. Most of the time I wish she would only tell me entertaining things and things I need to know. I usually wish I had more to tell her, but my life is very uninteresting and I don't do much to change that. Having her in the house means there will be things for me to do, though, so I'm not missing that. I had beer for dinner last night and coffee for breakfast, because no one needs me to make meals. I don't treat myself well without a partner around, but I seriously enjoy the freedom.
Monday, April 28, 2008
So Bad
I'm going to be so bad. I'm driving my wife to the airport today and once she's gone, I'm going to be bad. She has a three day business meeting in Key Largo and I can't wait to be alone. We haven't fooled around in so long. Last weekend her parents visited. I doubted that we'd have any fun with them keeping us busy and, as expected, we didn't. I was hopeful during the week, though, but still nothing happened. I tried to get her turned on one night and she just wouldn't have it. But on Saturday morning, she told me that she had wanted to have sex all week, she was just too tired. I said, "You should tell me that during the week so I don't get so frustrated." She acted surprised. Apparently she didn't know I was frustrated. She told me that I can control how I feel. I said, "Yeah, I can, but I think that the reason why I feel frustrated is legitimate." If all it takes to be happy is to will yourself to feel delighted despite the circumstances, why bother fucking? Why bother having a relationship? Just pretend you're living the life you always dreamed of.
I admit, I haven't been communicating how I feel. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I shouldn't fucking have to. I should not have to constantly remind my wife to stop thinking about herself, her life and her problems for long enough to consider how I might be feeling. I always know where she is. I know when she's hungry and when she's tired. When she wants to be left alone. She doesn't have to tell me. That's my fucking job as her husband, to be attentive. It really doesn't take much effort.
For fuck's sake, she doesn't even have to be around me to understand where I'm at. It's pretty simple. If I haven't just finished having sex with her, I would like to have sex with her. If I haven't had sex with her in several days, I'm starting to get frustrated, and I don't care about what she's saying. I wonder if it's something I said or did and if she's punishing me. If I haven't had sex with her in a fairly long time, I'm starting to question the purpose of being in a relationship. I feel stupid for caring about the things that are important to her, and I wonder if I wouldn't be happier if she wasn't around.
It's not meant to sound cruel or uncaring, it's just the honest truth. Sex is important to me. I look forward to it. It's rewarding. It makes life worth living. It validates the things that I do to try and be a good husband. When my wife doesn't show interest in having sex with me, it feels like she's telling me I'm not good enough. I'm not worth the little bit of effort. I'm not desirable. And it makes me indignant because I believe I am a good husband. I believe I am attractive and she's just taking me for granted.
So I think I'm ready to go to a strip club. I've never been to one. While my wife is away this week, I think I might just go.
I admit, I haven't been communicating how I feel. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I shouldn't fucking have to. I should not have to constantly remind my wife to stop thinking about herself, her life and her problems for long enough to consider how I might be feeling. I always know where she is. I know when she's hungry and when she's tired. When she wants to be left alone. She doesn't have to tell me. That's my fucking job as her husband, to be attentive. It really doesn't take much effort.
For fuck's sake, she doesn't even have to be around me to understand where I'm at. It's pretty simple. If I haven't just finished having sex with her, I would like to have sex with her. If I haven't had sex with her in several days, I'm starting to get frustrated, and I don't care about what she's saying. I wonder if it's something I said or did and if she's punishing me. If I haven't had sex with her in a fairly long time, I'm starting to question the purpose of being in a relationship. I feel stupid for caring about the things that are important to her, and I wonder if I wouldn't be happier if she wasn't around.
It's not meant to sound cruel or uncaring, it's just the honest truth. Sex is important to me. I look forward to it. It's rewarding. It makes life worth living. It validates the things that I do to try and be a good husband. When my wife doesn't show interest in having sex with me, it feels like she's telling me I'm not good enough. I'm not worth the little bit of effort. I'm not desirable. And it makes me indignant because I believe I am a good husband. I believe I am attractive and she's just taking me for granted.
So I think I'm ready to go to a strip club. I've never been to one. While my wife is away this week, I think I might just go.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Four Minutes
I'm so fucking aggrivated. Last week my wife took two days off from work to help a friend in Tallahassee with her wedding. My wife was her matron of honor. That's all well and good. I'm not aggrivated about that. I always look forward to the prospect of having some time to myself, but if I thought I was going to have any, I was deluding myself. Between my Dad's birthday, Easter, and this fucking wedding, I was booked.
So my wife left on Wednesday night. I went to work as usual on Thursday. My parents were going to come out to my house after work for an early dinner since my Mom had to go to a training class nearby. The class was cancelled, but I knew they were looking forward to visiting, so I invited them out anyway. My Dad was turning 70 years old on Friday so I shopped for birthday presents right after work on Thursday. I didn't have much time though, I needed to get home and meet them for dinner. I didn't find all of the presents I wanted to get, but I ran home and made my folks some hamburgers. They had a good time. Fortunately they left early enough for me to go out and find one last present. I would have birthday shopped sooner but it always seems to take a crowbar to get gift ideas out of my parents.
Friday was going to be a long day so I went to bed as soon as I got home. I didn't even look at any smut although it was a prime opportunity with the wife out of town. I had Friday off from work since it was Easter weekend. Even though we'd just had dinner together the night before, I had invited my parents out for breakfast. Because of the stupid wedding events, I was going to have to leave for Tallahassee in the afternoon, so I wouldn't be able to see my Dad on his birthday otherwise. So we had a nice breakfast at a local restaurant and my folks stuck around while I packed. Dad liked his presents and was appreciative of the time we got to spend together.
Before I left town I needed to get my coworker's paycheck to him. I don't know why he doesn't have direct deposit like everyone else in the world. But he's been out of work following a sports injury that led to his spleen being removed. When we got our paychecks on Thursday, I took his and called him and his wife to see if they wanted me to deliver it to them somewhere. No one had called me back by Friday, so I decided to just bring it to their house in St. Augustine. The house was empty, so I slid it under their door. By the time I got home, I was running short on time. I needed to get on the road by 12:30pm at the latest in order to make the 3 hour drive to Tallahassee, drop off our dogs at my in-laws' house, get changed into nicer clothes and then drive to the wedding rehearsal at 4pm. I left without a moment to spare and made it to the rehearsal before my wife and the bride arrived. I was proud of myself.
I really missed my wife and I was very happy to see her. I helped her with whatever I could, but spent most of the time sitting around feeling self-conscious. I'm generally a shy person and I tend to feel self-conscious around strangers. There were some other husbands in the same situation, though, so there were some people I could talk to. Next was the rehearsal dinner. There again, I was stuck sitting with a bunch of people I didn't know, while my wife sitting at the wedding party's table enjoying herself. Some enjoy meeting new people, but I really dread those kinds of social situations. I knew it was important to my wife, though, so I didn't complain and I just played the part. Three beers helped.
Afterward I went back to my in-laws' house while she went to stay in a nice hotel suite with the bride and bridesmaids. They had plans to have some kind of bachelorette party, but the Marriot fucked up their reservation and they ended up spending most of the night just trying find a place to stay. I would never wish any difficulty on my wife, but as a concerned husband, I was glad to hear there wasn't much of a party. It's really rare that my wife has too much to drink. The few times that she has, it's been with girlfriends. She and I have been married for almost 4 years now, together for 7, and I have yet to see her drunk. It makes me a little jealous. Sometimes the girl I know isn't that much fun.
After the rehearsal and dinner, six hours in all, I felt like I had celebrated my wife's friend's marriage enough. Yay, you're married, good for you. You know, I really don't like you that much. It might be more accurate to say that I tolerate you for my wife's sake. But the main fucking event was Saturday, another block of six hours to linger in one spot wearing uncomfortable clothes feeling self-conscious. Even though I got to spend a little more time with my wife, I still felt starved for her attention. As the matron of honor, she obviously had shit she needed to do, and I didn't want to be her shadow. But even when we were together, she wasn't looking at me very much. I would look at her and she wouldn't return a glance. It made me feel even more lost. So all I could do was look forward to the limo shuttling the bride and groom off and getting back to our normal life already.
When it was all over my wife drove me over to my car. Driving past the only white Corolla around she asked if it was my car. I joked that it was, you could tell from the layer of dirt on it. In an annoyed tone she remarked, "oh, would you get that headlight cover fixed and get that air filter so we can change the oil?" Her voice indicated that she felt I had taken much too long to complete those tasks. It was a simple remark, but it sounded like it shot out from a part of her that thinks I'm no good. Like it was just one of many things I haven't done right and never do right. And after pissing away what would have been some valuable free time and swallowing all of my insecurities for the last two days, I didn't need to be made to feel like a burden. I needed a gold star. A reward. Some freaking acknowledgement. I thought about what to say, and "fuck you" was all that came to mind, so I kept it to myself. I just got in my car and drove off.
We stayed at her parents' place that night. The weight of the remark lightened and my true feelings surfaced: I was excited to have her back. I playfully swiped her pillow when we were sitting on the couch that night and she had no good humor about it. She was genuinely angry with me. Fine. Treat me like I'm an asshole. Over the course of the weekend I'll only drive 6 hours to attend 3 wedding events for your stupid annoying friend, missing my Dad's 70th birthday party by the way, I'll go to Easter mass with you and your family on Sunday even though I'm a fucking atheist, I'll make nacho dip on Saturday night and then help prepare an Easter dinner on Sunday because your Mom is too lazy to cook, and I'll help your parents lay heavy patio stones in their back yard, but you're right, I am a gigantic asshole. I still missed you for some reason and I'm thinking that you're probably just worn out and need a good night's sleep. So go ahead and get some rest, I'll be awake with a rock hard erection most of the night because I haven't had an orgasm since last Wednesday, and now, to help take my mind off of that fact, I have a gorgeous naked girl sleeping quietly next to me. Sweet fucking dreams!
I spent Sunday thinking about fucking. I took the opportunity to shower in the morning with my wife. I knew nothing would happen. She wanted us to go to the early Easter mass at ten o'clock, so with only two hours to wash and dry her hair, put on her make up and clothes, then drive to the church that is 15 minutes away, we might just get there on time, if she rushed. I forget that the attention she devotes to her appearance is purely for her own vanity and has little to do with looking sexually attractive for me. I spent the hour at church looking at other girls' tits. My wife wore a dress and looked good, though. Even better in a tight pair of jeans and a gray shirt after the service. She layed flat on her belly on the living room floor to read the paper and I could have fucked her right there in front of her parents. I told her I was going to take a bite out of her when we got home. Her response didn't indicate any interest or disinterest.
Usually we don't leave her parents' house until late, but this time she insisted that we leave at 6:30pm so we wouldn't get home too late. After driving for a while I felt like we hadn't talked much since the wedding ended, so I called her cell phone. She said she was already talking to her girlfriend in Phoenix. Well that's good. I was beginning to think you were running out of ways to make me feel insignificant. I tossed the phone on the passenger seat. She talked to her friend for an hour before she called me back. I shouldn't have answered it, but like a dunce, I was still hoping for a piece of ass when we got home. I was short with her. She talked about flying out to Phoenix to visit the friend she was talking to, or having her come and visit us and have us pay for all of her food because she's been blowing all of her money on liquor and sushi, or hey, what about driving back to Tallahassee the weekend after next to spend more time with her friend that just got married? All great ideas, don't you think?
We got home and unpacked our cars. I made the bed for us, something I normally don't do, and I unloaded the dishwasher. She cleaned out the litter pan, one of her chores, and annoyed with me again, she asked if I cleaned the mat underneath the pan while she was away. I told her about all of the things I had to do on Thursday and Friday. How I fed her fish and refilled their tank even though she didn't ask me to, how I did the dishes before I left, and returned the movies we had rented. She seemed to understand. I tried to entice her to come to bed sooner than later by offering a massage. She was annoyed with me yet again because I had accidentally reset our alarm clock while she was away. I earnestly told her that I tried to be careful with it but I made a mistake. She finally lied down naked. I rubbed her shoulders and back for a while. It was just a cheap ploy to get my hands on her bare ass. I did her legs and feet, too, but the more I looked at her naked ass the more I wanted it. I kissed her neck and she said she immediately said that she needed to go to bed. I said I needed something else. I don't know if I ever felt so full of lust. My heart was pounding. I needed her so badly. She said she was really tired. I begged her, saying it wouldn't take long. She looked desperate and sad. She would have let me do it, though. I said, "God, why do you look so sad? We don't have to if you don't want to."
I don't understand. I really try hard to please her. Doesn't that come through? What did I do to make the thought of sex with me so horrible? I got under the covers. She snuggled up to me. I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed awake for hours thinking one bitter thought after another. I considered getting out of bed and looking at pornography, but why should I have to? I have a healthy desire for my spouse. How is it selfish of me, after four days apart, to wish that she longed for me, too? Even if she felt no desire for sex, would it really be so burdensome to act interested for me? I acted interested all fucking weekend! Does she take no pleasure in pleasing me? How is it fair that her friend gets her waiting on her every request for four fucking days and I can't have four minutes?
So my wife left on Wednesday night. I went to work as usual on Thursday. My parents were going to come out to my house after work for an early dinner since my Mom had to go to a training class nearby. The class was cancelled, but I knew they were looking forward to visiting, so I invited them out anyway. My Dad was turning 70 years old on Friday so I shopped for birthday presents right after work on Thursday. I didn't have much time though, I needed to get home and meet them for dinner. I didn't find all of the presents I wanted to get, but I ran home and made my folks some hamburgers. They had a good time. Fortunately they left early enough for me to go out and find one last present. I would have birthday shopped sooner but it always seems to take a crowbar to get gift ideas out of my parents.
Friday was going to be a long day so I went to bed as soon as I got home. I didn't even look at any smut although it was a prime opportunity with the wife out of town. I had Friday off from work since it was Easter weekend. Even though we'd just had dinner together the night before, I had invited my parents out for breakfast. Because of the stupid wedding events, I was going to have to leave for Tallahassee in the afternoon, so I wouldn't be able to see my Dad on his birthday otherwise. So we had a nice breakfast at a local restaurant and my folks stuck around while I packed. Dad liked his presents and was appreciative of the time we got to spend together.
Before I left town I needed to get my coworker's paycheck to him. I don't know why he doesn't have direct deposit like everyone else in the world. But he's been out of work following a sports injury that led to his spleen being removed. When we got our paychecks on Thursday, I took his and called him and his wife to see if they wanted me to deliver it to them somewhere. No one had called me back by Friday, so I decided to just bring it to their house in St. Augustine. The house was empty, so I slid it under their door. By the time I got home, I was running short on time. I needed to get on the road by 12:30pm at the latest in order to make the 3 hour drive to Tallahassee, drop off our dogs at my in-laws' house, get changed into nicer clothes and then drive to the wedding rehearsal at 4pm. I left without a moment to spare and made it to the rehearsal before my wife and the bride arrived. I was proud of myself.
I really missed my wife and I was very happy to see her. I helped her with whatever I could, but spent most of the time sitting around feeling self-conscious. I'm generally a shy person and I tend to feel self-conscious around strangers. There were some other husbands in the same situation, though, so there were some people I could talk to. Next was the rehearsal dinner. There again, I was stuck sitting with a bunch of people I didn't know, while my wife sitting at the wedding party's table enjoying herself. Some enjoy meeting new people, but I really dread those kinds of social situations. I knew it was important to my wife, though, so I didn't complain and I just played the part. Three beers helped.
Afterward I went back to my in-laws' house while she went to stay in a nice hotel suite with the bride and bridesmaids. They had plans to have some kind of bachelorette party, but the Marriot fucked up their reservation and they ended up spending most of the night just trying find a place to stay. I would never wish any difficulty on my wife, but as a concerned husband, I was glad to hear there wasn't much of a party. It's really rare that my wife has too much to drink. The few times that she has, it's been with girlfriends. She and I have been married for almost 4 years now, together for 7, and I have yet to see her drunk. It makes me a little jealous. Sometimes the girl I know isn't that much fun.
After the rehearsal and dinner, six hours in all, I felt like I had celebrated my wife's friend's marriage enough. Yay, you're married, good for you. You know, I really don't like you that much. It might be more accurate to say that I tolerate you for my wife's sake. But the main fucking event was Saturday, another block of six hours to linger in one spot wearing uncomfortable clothes feeling self-conscious. Even though I got to spend a little more time with my wife, I still felt starved for her attention. As the matron of honor, she obviously had shit she needed to do, and I didn't want to be her shadow. But even when we were together, she wasn't looking at me very much. I would look at her and she wouldn't return a glance. It made me feel even more lost. So all I could do was look forward to the limo shuttling the bride and groom off and getting back to our normal life already.
When it was all over my wife drove me over to my car. Driving past the only white Corolla around she asked if it was my car. I joked that it was, you could tell from the layer of dirt on it. In an annoyed tone she remarked, "oh, would you get that headlight cover fixed and get that air filter so we can change the oil?" Her voice indicated that she felt I had taken much too long to complete those tasks. It was a simple remark, but it sounded like it shot out from a part of her that thinks I'm no good. Like it was just one of many things I haven't done right and never do right. And after pissing away what would have been some valuable free time and swallowing all of my insecurities for the last two days, I didn't need to be made to feel like a burden. I needed a gold star. A reward. Some freaking acknowledgement. I thought about what to say, and "fuck you" was all that came to mind, so I kept it to myself. I just got in my car and drove off.
We stayed at her parents' place that night. The weight of the remark lightened and my true feelings surfaced: I was excited to have her back. I playfully swiped her pillow when we were sitting on the couch that night and she had no good humor about it. She was genuinely angry with me. Fine. Treat me like I'm an asshole. Over the course of the weekend I'll only drive 6 hours to attend 3 wedding events for your stupid annoying friend, missing my Dad's 70th birthday party by the way, I'll go to Easter mass with you and your family on Sunday even though I'm a fucking atheist, I'll make nacho dip on Saturday night and then help prepare an Easter dinner on Sunday because your Mom is too lazy to cook, and I'll help your parents lay heavy patio stones in their back yard, but you're right, I am a gigantic asshole. I still missed you for some reason and I'm thinking that you're probably just worn out and need a good night's sleep. So go ahead and get some rest, I'll be awake with a rock hard erection most of the night because I haven't had an orgasm since last Wednesday, and now, to help take my mind off of that fact, I have a gorgeous naked girl sleeping quietly next to me. Sweet fucking dreams!
I spent Sunday thinking about fucking. I took the opportunity to shower in the morning with my wife. I knew nothing would happen. She wanted us to go to the early Easter mass at ten o'clock, so with only two hours to wash and dry her hair, put on her make up and clothes, then drive to the church that is 15 minutes away, we might just get there on time, if she rushed. I forget that the attention she devotes to her appearance is purely for her own vanity and has little to do with looking sexually attractive for me. I spent the hour at church looking at other girls' tits. My wife wore a dress and looked good, though. Even better in a tight pair of jeans and a gray shirt after the service. She layed flat on her belly on the living room floor to read the paper and I could have fucked her right there in front of her parents. I told her I was going to take a bite out of her when we got home. Her response didn't indicate any interest or disinterest.
Usually we don't leave her parents' house until late, but this time she insisted that we leave at 6:30pm so we wouldn't get home too late. After driving for a while I felt like we hadn't talked much since the wedding ended, so I called her cell phone. She said she was already talking to her girlfriend in Phoenix. Well that's good. I was beginning to think you were running out of ways to make me feel insignificant. I tossed the phone on the passenger seat. She talked to her friend for an hour before she called me back. I shouldn't have answered it, but like a dunce, I was still hoping for a piece of ass when we got home. I was short with her. She talked about flying out to Phoenix to visit the friend she was talking to, or having her come and visit us and have us pay for all of her food because she's been blowing all of her money on liquor and sushi, or hey, what about driving back to Tallahassee the weekend after next to spend more time with her friend that just got married? All great ideas, don't you think?
We got home and unpacked our cars. I made the bed for us, something I normally don't do, and I unloaded the dishwasher. She cleaned out the litter pan, one of her chores, and annoyed with me again, she asked if I cleaned the mat underneath the pan while she was away. I told her about all of the things I had to do on Thursday and Friday. How I fed her fish and refilled their tank even though she didn't ask me to, how I did the dishes before I left, and returned the movies we had rented. She seemed to understand. I tried to entice her to come to bed sooner than later by offering a massage. She was annoyed with me yet again because I had accidentally reset our alarm clock while she was away. I earnestly told her that I tried to be careful with it but I made a mistake. She finally lied down naked. I rubbed her shoulders and back for a while. It was just a cheap ploy to get my hands on her bare ass. I did her legs and feet, too, but the more I looked at her naked ass the more I wanted it. I kissed her neck and she said she immediately said that she needed to go to bed. I said I needed something else. I don't know if I ever felt so full of lust. My heart was pounding. I needed her so badly. She said she was really tired. I begged her, saying it wouldn't take long. She looked desperate and sad. She would have let me do it, though. I said, "God, why do you look so sad? We don't have to if you don't want to."
I don't understand. I really try hard to please her. Doesn't that come through? What did I do to make the thought of sex with me so horrible? I got under the covers. She snuggled up to me. I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed awake for hours thinking one bitter thought after another. I considered getting out of bed and looking at pornography, but why should I have to? I have a healthy desire for my spouse. How is it selfish of me, after four days apart, to wish that she longed for me, too? Even if she felt no desire for sex, would it really be so burdensome to act interested for me? I acted interested all fucking weekend! Does she take no pleasure in pleasing me? How is it fair that her friend gets her waiting on her every request for four fucking days and I can't have four minutes?
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Red Gloves
I finally got my Valentine's Day present on Sunday, March 9th. In the morning she put on the red bra and panty set and called me back to bed. There was a pair of lace up red gloves that she bought for Halloween last year and never opened, so I asked her to wear those, too. I tried to give her some foreplay, but she didn't seem very interested. I would have liked some foreplay in return, but I didn't ask for it, so I didn't get any. It was still some quality sex, she got two orgasms out of it so I was proud of myself.
Anytime we have sex is good, I would never pass it up, but the sex we have now is fairly boring. She doesn't seem to want to touch my cock beforehand. Usually she wants to get right to fucking, so there's no anticipation. And lately she's just been lying on her back. She oohs and ahhs, kisses me, but that's the extent of her participation. I haven't said anything about it to her, so I don't expect it to change. When I imagine talking to her about it, I just see her getting defensive and sad, so I leave it alone. It's good enough that we are having sex regularly.
Leading up to the infertile phase of her cycle she asked me to initiate sex with her during the day. So we spent all of Saturday at home together and I imagined approaching her several times, but I could only see her preferring to finish what she was doing, rejecting me and making me angry. So I left her alone. I told her on Sunday that I had considered it, and she agreed that she was busy the entire day. For the most part, I feel like I have very little control of our sex life, so when she said that she wanted me to initiate sex during the day, I considered it one of those things that she only thinks she wants.
I've tried a few times to let her know that I'd like to be more open with her, that I'd like to talk more about us and less about the day's events, but her responses have always made it clear that I'm alone in that desire. Things are OK with us, though. We don't argue very much. We enjoy each other's company. I think in the past I've blown some things out of proportion here. I don't think I want our marriage to end. I think we're as close to one another as most spouses are. I think differences in sexuality are extremely common for married couples and there is nothing exceptional about us. I think if I'm not happy with some aspect of my wife's personality, I'm the one that married her. It was my responsibility to address it or accept it a long time ago.
And I'm sure I still have sex more frequently now than I would if I were single. I still love and absolutely cherish my wife's body (even though she cut her hair shorter recently). If things are as good as they will ever get with us, they really aren't so bad. The conclusion I have drawn is that if I ask my wife to honor a wish that is very important to me, experience tells me there is a good chance that she won't, and then I will resent her for it. If I don't ask her to honor that wish, the only person neglecting me is me.
Anytime we have sex is good, I would never pass it up, but the sex we have now is fairly boring. She doesn't seem to want to touch my cock beforehand. Usually she wants to get right to fucking, so there's no anticipation. And lately she's just been lying on her back. She oohs and ahhs, kisses me, but that's the extent of her participation. I haven't said anything about it to her, so I don't expect it to change. When I imagine talking to her about it, I just see her getting defensive and sad, so I leave it alone. It's good enough that we are having sex regularly.
Leading up to the infertile phase of her cycle she asked me to initiate sex with her during the day. So we spent all of Saturday at home together and I imagined approaching her several times, but I could only see her preferring to finish what she was doing, rejecting me and making me angry. So I left her alone. I told her on Sunday that I had considered it, and she agreed that she was busy the entire day. For the most part, I feel like I have very little control of our sex life, so when she said that she wanted me to initiate sex during the day, I considered it one of those things that she only thinks she wants.
I've tried a few times to let her know that I'd like to be more open with her, that I'd like to talk more about us and less about the day's events, but her responses have always made it clear that I'm alone in that desire. Things are OK with us, though. We don't argue very much. We enjoy each other's company. I think in the past I've blown some things out of proportion here. I don't think I want our marriage to end. I think we're as close to one another as most spouses are. I think differences in sexuality are extremely common for married couples and there is nothing exceptional about us. I think if I'm not happy with some aspect of my wife's personality, I'm the one that married her. It was my responsibility to address it or accept it a long time ago.
And I'm sure I still have sex more frequently now than I would if I were single. I still love and absolutely cherish my wife's body (even though she cut her hair shorter recently). If things are as good as they will ever get with us, they really aren't so bad. The conclusion I have drawn is that if I ask my wife to honor a wish that is very important to me, experience tells me there is a good chance that she won't, and then I will resent her for it. If I don't ask her to honor that wish, the only person neglecting me is me.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I Knew It
I knew it was going to happen. Inevitably the closeness and love we were experiencing in the weeks prior to Valentine's Day would fade and we would find ourselves feeling alone and disconnected.
Yesterday my boss kept me late after work, not because I had done anything wrong, but simply because he needed my help working on a spreadsheet and he has no respect for other people's time. My boss loves the way I organize information into spreadsheets. I consider myself skilled in organizing information. He, however, is not. So we spent more than an hour making nonsensical changes to what had been a neat and orderly spreadsheet I had made. All the while I would make reasonable suggestions of ways to do what he wanted to do and he would deflect them, essentially because they weren't his idea. I got close to telling him how disrespectful it was to keep me late when I had sent him that spreadsheet a week ago. But I let it go.
Eventually, he was satisfied and I was allowed to leave. My wife had called during my nightmare so I called her back while I was driving home. I told her why I was held up and how annoyed I was, and then she started telling me about how her clothes don't fit because she's lost weight, and how she needs to buy new suits, and how she would have all of her suits taken in by a seamstress, but she might need bigger suits when she is pregnant, and so on and so on, and I just stopped listening. She talks so much more than I do. I really try to tell her important things that I think she will find interesting, and she just tells me everything. I got off the phone saying I needed to call someone else.
And when I am frustrated, I really don't want to take it out on anyone. I'm more inclined to tell them outright that I am in a bad mood and they shouldn't interact with me at all. It wasn't her fault that my boss has Obessive Compulsive Disorder and is a total jackass on top of that, but still, have a little emotional intuition. Maybe now isn't the best time to go over every random thought you've had today. When I got home, I couldn't urge myself to draw. I knew that I should, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I looked at porn and played video games. It just made me more frustrated.
Then when my wife got home, she started making arrangements for us to take her brother's crazy dog for two weeks while he enters the police academy. She suggested that he might not even have time to drive the 3 hours to bring his dog to us, so I might have to meet him half way. Fuck that, if I wanted someone to take advantage of me, I could go back to the office. So we argued. And I felt pissed off that I was making dinner like a good husband, while she was free to do whatever else she pleased. But I let it go. And I felt even more pissed off that those shoelaces I ordered for her as a late Valentine's Day present arrived, and she didn't get me shit. The only thing she got for me was a red bra and panty set that she still has yet to wear. But I let it go.
Yesterday my boss kept me late after work, not because I had done anything wrong, but simply because he needed my help working on a spreadsheet and he has no respect for other people's time. My boss loves the way I organize information into spreadsheets. I consider myself skilled in organizing information. He, however, is not. So we spent more than an hour making nonsensical changes to what had been a neat and orderly spreadsheet I had made. All the while I would make reasonable suggestions of ways to do what he wanted to do and he would deflect them, essentially because they weren't his idea. I got close to telling him how disrespectful it was to keep me late when I had sent him that spreadsheet a week ago. But I let it go.
Eventually, he was satisfied and I was allowed to leave. My wife had called during my nightmare so I called her back while I was driving home. I told her why I was held up and how annoyed I was, and then she started telling me about how her clothes don't fit because she's lost weight, and how she needs to buy new suits, and how she would have all of her suits taken in by a seamstress, but she might need bigger suits when she is pregnant, and so on and so on, and I just stopped listening. She talks so much more than I do. I really try to tell her important things that I think she will find interesting, and she just tells me everything. I got off the phone saying I needed to call someone else.
And when I am frustrated, I really don't want to take it out on anyone. I'm more inclined to tell them outright that I am in a bad mood and they shouldn't interact with me at all. It wasn't her fault that my boss has Obessive Compulsive Disorder and is a total jackass on top of that, but still, have a little emotional intuition. Maybe now isn't the best time to go over every random thought you've had today. When I got home, I couldn't urge myself to draw. I knew that I should, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I looked at porn and played video games. It just made me more frustrated.
Then when my wife got home, she started making arrangements for us to take her brother's crazy dog for two weeks while he enters the police academy. She suggested that he might not even have time to drive the 3 hours to bring his dog to us, so I might have to meet him half way. Fuck that, if I wanted someone to take advantage of me, I could go back to the office. So we argued. And I felt pissed off that I was making dinner like a good husband, while she was free to do whatever else she pleased. But I let it go. And I felt even more pissed off that those shoelaces I ordered for her as a late Valentine's Day present arrived, and she didn't get me shit. The only thing she got for me was a red bra and panty set that she still has yet to wear. But I let it go.
Friday, February 15, 2008
I'm So Good
Here's what a good husband I am. A month before Valentine's Day I went online and bought her presents. She is learning to play the bass guitar so I got two instructional books off of her Google wishlist. I also got her a Doctor Who radio mystery CD called the "Horror of Glam Rock." This wasn't something she said that she wanted, but she happens to love Doctor Who, old-fashioned radio dramas and glam rock, so that was my surprise see-how-much-I-pay-attention- to-your-interests- and-support-you-in-them gift. So I was ready with presents well in advance.
Then weeks before Valentine's Day, I started scoping a place for us to have dinner. I found an interesting restaurant to which we had never been before, and with my wife's approval, I made a reservation. Two days before Valentine's Day she mentioned that it would be neat to get different colored shoelaces for her new black Converse shoes, so I went online and ordered some. I knew it wouldn't arrive in time for the holiday, but it still seemed like a worthwhile gesture. The day before Valentine's Day I went to the grocery store to get the essential flowers and candy. She dropped a hint about liking tulips a few days ago, so that's what I got along with some Dove dark chocolate candies and two Toblerone bars which she always loves.
On Valentine's Day I was especially affectionate in the morning as we were getting ready for work. At work I sent her adoring text messages. Instead of going to lunch with my coworkers I went to get a haircut because she has been telling me I need one for quite some time. When I got home from work, I cleaned our cats' litter pan. That is one of my wife's household chores, but no one likes manipulating poo, so I did it for her. Then I went to the store and got wrapping paper to match the color of the tulips. I decided to make a card for her since it would mean more than a store-bought card and then I filled it with sweet and loving sentences.
When she arrived at home, I got dressed up for dinner and drove us to the restaurant. I usually can't eat an appetizer, entree and then dessert, but I packed it all down because that's what she wanted. When she said she was getting a headache, I went to the car to get her some pills. After we got home to open our presents, she was dismayed that I had bought her more gifts than she bought for me. I assured her it was OK. She said one of my presents was still in the mail, and I told her she had another one coming also. We opened our presents and smooched. During the day we both hinted at making love after dinner, but we were both tired and just went to sleep. I told her that was OK, too. It really was, because she has been keeping very happy recently.
The night before last I suggested we trade massages and we did. Afterward she wanted to have sex and hopped right onto me. It was fantastic. At one point she got a scarf and tied my hands to the headboard. She didn't tease me or make me submissive enough for it to really be worthwhile, but I still give her points for making it new and interesting. One day I will have to tie her up and show her how it's done.
Since we've been married there have been birthdays and anniversaries where I apathetically got her presents, only because it was expected of me and not out of love. But this Valentine's Day, it was so easy to show her love and devotion. For now I at least feel like I can be the caring husband that I truly want to be. I don't need to second guess my impulses and wonder, "If I do this for her, will she just take it for granted? Am I just setting myself up to feel even more neglected if I go out of my way to make her happy and she doesn't return the same effort?" It goes without saying, this is a very good place to be.
So last week I cancelled my secret subscriptions to Cinemax and that porn website. I haven't logged back into SecondLife at all this week. I haven't made any artwork recently outside of the Valentine's Day card, but I expect I will this weekend. I have had plenty opportunities to pleasure myself this week but I haven't taken them. As much as I enjoy the instant gratification of masturbating, I also like the idea that I am building up more and more sexual energy the longer I go without having an orgasm. I know that the next time I have sex with my wife I will be that much harder, and I will be hard for that much longer, and I will cum that much more, and I will cum that much farther. The resistance to temptation makes me feel powerful.
Plus, the added bonus of not masturbating for a while is the likelihood of having a sex dream. With my normal sexual habits, I never have dreams. Or if I do, I never remember them. But last night, even though my wife and I didn't have sex, we had some amazing sex in my dreams. It felt so real that when I woke up I was unsure if it had really happened or not. But then I realized we did things that we've never done before, and I was sure it had been a dream.
So what did my wife get me for Valentine's Day? She got a sexy red bra and panties that she is going to wear for me, and I seriously can't wait. She's made this work day torture.
Then weeks before Valentine's Day, I started scoping a place for us to have dinner. I found an interesting restaurant to which we had never been before, and with my wife's approval, I made a reservation. Two days before Valentine's Day she mentioned that it would be neat to get different colored shoelaces for her new black Converse shoes, so I went online and ordered some. I knew it wouldn't arrive in time for the holiday, but it still seemed like a worthwhile gesture. The day before Valentine's Day I went to the grocery store to get the essential flowers and candy. She dropped a hint about liking tulips a few days ago, so that's what I got along with some Dove dark chocolate candies and two Toblerone bars which she always loves.
On Valentine's Day I was especially affectionate in the morning as we were getting ready for work. At work I sent her adoring text messages. Instead of going to lunch with my coworkers I went to get a haircut because she has been telling me I need one for quite some time. When I got home from work, I cleaned our cats' litter pan. That is one of my wife's household chores, but no one likes manipulating poo, so I did it for her. Then I went to the store and got wrapping paper to match the color of the tulips. I decided to make a card for her since it would mean more than a store-bought card and then I filled it with sweet and loving sentences.
When she arrived at home, I got dressed up for dinner and drove us to the restaurant. I usually can't eat an appetizer, entree and then dessert, but I packed it all down because that's what she wanted. When she said she was getting a headache, I went to the car to get her some pills. After we got home to open our presents, she was dismayed that I had bought her more gifts than she bought for me. I assured her it was OK. She said one of my presents was still in the mail, and I told her she had another one coming also. We opened our presents and smooched. During the day we both hinted at making love after dinner, but we were both tired and just went to sleep. I told her that was OK, too. It really was, because she has been keeping very happy recently.
The night before last I suggested we trade massages and we did. Afterward she wanted to have sex and hopped right onto me. It was fantastic. At one point she got a scarf and tied my hands to the headboard. She didn't tease me or make me submissive enough for it to really be worthwhile, but I still give her points for making it new and interesting. One day I will have to tie her up and show her how it's done.
Since we've been married there have been birthdays and anniversaries where I apathetically got her presents, only because it was expected of me and not out of love. But this Valentine's Day, it was so easy to show her love and devotion. For now I at least feel like I can be the caring husband that I truly want to be. I don't need to second guess my impulses and wonder, "If I do this for her, will she just take it for granted? Am I just setting myself up to feel even more neglected if I go out of my way to make her happy and she doesn't return the same effort?" It goes without saying, this is a very good place to be.
So last week I cancelled my secret subscriptions to Cinemax and that porn website. I haven't logged back into SecondLife at all this week. I haven't made any artwork recently outside of the Valentine's Day card, but I expect I will this weekend. I have had plenty opportunities to pleasure myself this week but I haven't taken them. As much as I enjoy the instant gratification of masturbating, I also like the idea that I am building up more and more sexual energy the longer I go without having an orgasm. I know that the next time I have sex with my wife I will be that much harder, and I will be hard for that much longer, and I will cum that much more, and I will cum that much farther. The resistance to temptation makes me feel powerful.
Plus, the added bonus of not masturbating for a while is the likelihood of having a sex dream. With my normal sexual habits, I never have dreams. Or if I do, I never remember them. But last night, even though my wife and I didn't have sex, we had some amazing sex in my dreams. It felt so real that when I woke up I was unsure if it had really happened or not. But then I realized we did things that we've never done before, and I was sure it had been a dream.
So what did my wife get me for Valentine's Day? She got a sexy red bra and panties that she is going to wear for me, and I seriously can't wait. She's made this work day torture.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Ups and Downs
I can't take the ups and downs. My wife has been so good to me recently, I've been feeling like our marriage is exactly the way I've always wanted it to be. Really. I don't want it to ever change, but I'm sure it will.
The first time we had sex during this cycle was in the morning, my favorite time to have sex, and even though we sleep naked, she took the time to dress in something sexy just for me without my even asking.
We might have had sex again on Tuesday evening, she had said that she wanted to, but I ruined it by getting wasted. Come Wednesday I thought she'd be angry with me and cold as a result, but she acted like nothing had happened. She still was hoping to make love that evening, but I was dog tired. I went to bed and told her she was welcome to wake me up. She fell asleep on the couch, though, and didn't climb into bed until after midnight. But all hope was not lost, we wound up having a quickie in the morning before work on Thursday. I couldn't believe it! Sex in the morning, and on a weekday? It was a dream come true. I told her, "I don't care what happens today because I've already done everything I wanted to do."
On Friday, yesterday, she needed to go out of town for a friend's bridal shower. She said she wanted to get in another shag before she left and I was all for it. She had a lot of packing to do, however, and it was starting to look like we wouldn't have time. We were both disappointed at the idea of missing out, so we went ahead and hopped in bed. I can't remember the last time sex with me won out over something else my wife had to do. I was amazed. But that's not all. She knows I love doing it with her lying flat on her stomach, so she suggested we start in that position and I happily agreed. It was fantastic, we were both so connected. Not just that way. You know what I mean.
I want it to be like this forever.
Meanwhile, within myself, I feel like a mess. In truth, I would really like to work part time and face the risk of trying to market myself as an artist, but the more I consider it, I'm wrought with anxiety. I know it's why I got trashed on Tuesday night. And I know I don't have to make this change, but it still feels like destiny. It feels like what everyone I've ever known has wanted of me and for me. I don't plan to even try this until June, but I still want to get ready now. I want to get my websites in order and print business cards, for starters.
I say that's what I want to do, but this week I've gone back to playing that horrible game, SecondLife. I did make a fair amount of money from it when I played it last year, but just like drinking, I use it to lose myself. I left the game when i was completely bored with it and never expected to regain the slightest interest. Now I'm playing it when I could be doing something productive.
So my wife is still out of town for the bridal shower and I was home alone all day. Tomorrow we are going to visit her brother. We didn't get to see him for Christmas, but as a Christmas present, he asked if I would make him a cool picture of a spaceship for his apartment. I gladly agreed. At the time it seemed like it would be fun to do. None of us have exchanged Christmas presents yet, so naturally I put off doing this until today.
I have had the entire day to myself, but just I can't do it. I sat down and put pencil to paper, but I don't know what I'm drawing. My imagination is void. I tried just starting with geometric shapes, but I hate what I see. There needs to be a concept in my mind of what I want it to look like, and there is none. I started to look online for ideas and I remembered that I had seen a neat website where a guy assembled parts from model airplane kits into futuristic spaceships. I couldn't find it again, though.
It occurred to me that I could do something like that with all of the electronic junk I've accumulated and stockpiled over the years. I definitely have plenty of old computer parts that could be sacrificed. I could make a spaceship from some junk, photograph it, and enhance it in Photoshop. I got excited that I finally had an idea. I rushed out and got some quick-drying adhesive, so extreme that it warns of potential birth defects, came back and scattered small and interesting technological debris all over the floor. I put together three different ships so I would have some to choose from.
When the adhesive dried, I thought it would be a good idea to make them a uniform color, so I started to paint them white. This effectively ruined them. The paint took away their clean edges and make them look like nothing in particular. I had one left that I hadn't painted yet, my least favorite one, so I photographed it and started adding to it in Photoshop until I gave in to the loud voice in my head telling me that it looked incredibly stupid.
Suddenly I was back in art school, struggling to meet a deadline and resolving that it would be better to show nothing than to show utter crap. It would better to have hidden potential than to suffer the public humiliation. Then the problem can be my time management skills and not a lack of talent or vision. As familiar as it is, the sense of self-defeat is so overwhelming. I wish I could just disappear.
The first time we had sex during this cycle was in the morning, my favorite time to have sex, and even though we sleep naked, she took the time to dress in something sexy just for me without my even asking.
We might have had sex again on Tuesday evening, she had said that she wanted to, but I ruined it by getting wasted. Come Wednesday I thought she'd be angry with me and cold as a result, but she acted like nothing had happened. She still was hoping to make love that evening, but I was dog tired. I went to bed and told her she was welcome to wake me up. She fell asleep on the couch, though, and didn't climb into bed until after midnight. But all hope was not lost, we wound up having a quickie in the morning before work on Thursday. I couldn't believe it! Sex in the morning, and on a weekday? It was a dream come true. I told her, "I don't care what happens today because I've already done everything I wanted to do."
On Friday, yesterday, she needed to go out of town for a friend's bridal shower. She said she wanted to get in another shag before she left and I was all for it. She had a lot of packing to do, however, and it was starting to look like we wouldn't have time. We were both disappointed at the idea of missing out, so we went ahead and hopped in bed. I can't remember the last time sex with me won out over something else my wife had to do. I was amazed. But that's not all. She knows I love doing it with her lying flat on her stomach, so she suggested we start in that position and I happily agreed. It was fantastic, we were both so connected. Not just that way. You know what I mean.
I want it to be like this forever.
Meanwhile, within myself, I feel like a mess. In truth, I would really like to work part time and face the risk of trying to market myself as an artist, but the more I consider it, I'm wrought with anxiety. I know it's why I got trashed on Tuesday night. And I know I don't have to make this change, but it still feels like destiny. It feels like what everyone I've ever known has wanted of me and for me. I don't plan to even try this until June, but I still want to get ready now. I want to get my websites in order and print business cards, for starters.
I say that's what I want to do, but this week I've gone back to playing that horrible game, SecondLife. I did make a fair amount of money from it when I played it last year, but just like drinking, I use it to lose myself. I left the game when i was completely bored with it and never expected to regain the slightest interest. Now I'm playing it when I could be doing something productive.
So my wife is still out of town for the bridal shower and I was home alone all day. Tomorrow we are going to visit her brother. We didn't get to see him for Christmas, but as a Christmas present, he asked if I would make him a cool picture of a spaceship for his apartment. I gladly agreed. At the time it seemed like it would be fun to do. None of us have exchanged Christmas presents yet, so naturally I put off doing this until today.
I have had the entire day to myself, but just I can't do it. I sat down and put pencil to paper, but I don't know what I'm drawing. My imagination is void. I tried just starting with geometric shapes, but I hate what I see. There needs to be a concept in my mind of what I want it to look like, and there is none. I started to look online for ideas and I remembered that I had seen a neat website where a guy assembled parts from model airplane kits into futuristic spaceships. I couldn't find it again, though.
It occurred to me that I could do something like that with all of the electronic junk I've accumulated and stockpiled over the years. I definitely have plenty of old computer parts that could be sacrificed. I could make a spaceship from some junk, photograph it, and enhance it in Photoshop. I got excited that I finally had an idea. I rushed out and got some quick-drying adhesive, so extreme that it warns of potential birth defects, came back and scattered small and interesting technological debris all over the floor. I put together three different ships so I would have some to choose from.
When the adhesive dried, I thought it would be a good idea to make them a uniform color, so I started to paint them white. This effectively ruined them. The paint took away their clean edges and make them look like nothing in particular. I had one left that I hadn't painted yet, my least favorite one, so I photographed it and started adding to it in Photoshop until I gave in to the loud voice in my head telling me that it looked incredibly stupid.
Suddenly I was back in art school, struggling to meet a deadline and resolving that it would be better to show nothing than to show utter crap. It would better to have hidden potential than to suffer the public humiliation. Then the problem can be my time management skills and not a lack of talent or vision. As familiar as it is, the sense of self-defeat is so overwhelming. I wish I could just disappear.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Completely Gone
Up until last night, things were going well. My wife and I had a good weekend together. We took our dogs for a long walk in a state forest, played some video games together and did some yardwork. These last few days at the office have been fine, too. I feel more content than I have in a while, and I think it's solely because my wife and I had sex Saturday morning. Looking at the NFP chart, it has been like 20 days since the last time. We've fooled around in other ways between then and now, but each time it was my idea.
Yesterday morning my wife remarked we should have another go after work. I was looking forward to it, but for some reason I got completely drunk as soon as I got home from work. Sometimes I might have a beer after a tough day at work, but there really isn't anything that I'm worried about. I definitely wasn't planning to get drunk, but I did all the same. Lately I've been talking to my wife about me working part time instead of full time in order to have more time to do freelance web work, sell some photography or maybe sell artwork. She has been supportive of the idea, but I guess I am worried about failing. I was very aware as I got home that I was faced with free time which I haven't had in a while. I thought about choosing some photos to print or working on some artwork, but I poured a vodka tonic instead. If there was something else good to drink in the refridgerator, like my favorite MinuteMaid limeaid, I probably would have had that instead.
Then I thought it would be funny to see how long it would take my wife to notice I was tanked. When she got home, I was doing the dishes. I did some laundry, made dinner for us and we ate at our table together and watched TV. Well, I pretended to. All I could see was two of everything. It wasn't until we were working on our computers and I responded to a question strangely enough that she looked me in the eye and said, "What's the matter?" I told her that I was completely gone, which made her aggrivated I suppose. She seemed to think I had gotten drunk because of her, but I told her she had nothing to do with it. I said that people just need to get toasted sometimes, and she disagreed. We still walked the dogs together but didn't talk much. There have been times when I've been brutally honest when I'm drunk and talking to her, but I think I was polite as ever last night. The last thing I remember was getting back home and sitting down on the couch. I woke up there this morning feeling fairly nauseous, but I'm just a little bit dizzy now.
In hindsight I would have rather had a normal evening and some sex. I just gave myself a strong reminder that it isn't much fun to feel hungover. I'd almost like to get rid of the vodka and whiskey and just keep rum in the house. I haven't heard from my wife all day and usually she will call me once or twice. She just texted me a short while ago asking if I needed anything from the grocery store. At first I said no, but then I asked her to pick me up some limemaid.
Yesterday morning my wife remarked we should have another go after work. I was looking forward to it, but for some reason I got completely drunk as soon as I got home from work. Sometimes I might have a beer after a tough day at work, but there really isn't anything that I'm worried about. I definitely wasn't planning to get drunk, but I did all the same. Lately I've been talking to my wife about me working part time instead of full time in order to have more time to do freelance web work, sell some photography or maybe sell artwork. She has been supportive of the idea, but I guess I am worried about failing. I was very aware as I got home that I was faced with free time which I haven't had in a while. I thought about choosing some photos to print or working on some artwork, but I poured a vodka tonic instead. If there was something else good to drink in the refridgerator, like my favorite MinuteMaid limeaid, I probably would have had that instead.
Then I thought it would be funny to see how long it would take my wife to notice I was tanked. When she got home, I was doing the dishes. I did some laundry, made dinner for us and we ate at our table together and watched TV. Well, I pretended to. All I could see was two of everything. It wasn't until we were working on our computers and I responded to a question strangely enough that she looked me in the eye and said, "What's the matter?" I told her that I was completely gone, which made her aggrivated I suppose. She seemed to think I had gotten drunk because of her, but I told her she had nothing to do with it. I said that people just need to get toasted sometimes, and she disagreed. We still walked the dogs together but didn't talk much. There have been times when I've been brutally honest when I'm drunk and talking to her, but I think I was polite as ever last night. The last thing I remember was getting back home and sitting down on the couch. I woke up there this morning feeling fairly nauseous, but I'm just a little bit dizzy now.
In hindsight I would have rather had a normal evening and some sex. I just gave myself a strong reminder that it isn't much fun to feel hungover. I'd almost like to get rid of the vodka and whiskey and just keep rum in the house. I haven't heard from my wife all day and usually she will call me once or twice. She just texted me a short while ago asking if I needed anything from the grocery store. At first I said no, but then I asked her to pick me up some limemaid.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Self Abuse
I've been better this week. Mostly because I've been too busy to be bad. Idle hands are the devil's workshop, right? Well, I'm an atheist, so it suffices to say that it's not as easy to be distracted when there is work to be done. Imagining that there are invisible good and evil super-beings overseeing and controlling my everday life is odd enough without suggesting that sexual desire belongs to one or the other. Once I saw masturbation referred to as "self abuse." Really? Orgasms are obviously addictive, but the worst side effect I've ever experienced after having an orgasm is a good night's sleep. Which makes me wonder why Heath Ledger ever needed a prescription of Ambien. You're telling me he couldn't have just had a beer and a shag and then woken up to a bright and sunny new day?
But continuing with my original thought, the only thing that makes me feel devilish about my sexual habits is deceiving the missus. That's obviously not good, and I would be bothered if I ever learned that she was keeping secrets from me, too. But consider this. I make dinner for her and I most every night. And I don't always enjoy making dinner. Meals aren't all that important to me, I'd be just as happy having a box of Cheezits for dinner, but proper dinners are important to my wife. So I prepare them. Now if ever I decided that I didn't want to make dinner for us anymore, I would not be indignant if she started coming home with take out food. What right would I have to be angry if I was ignoring something that I know is important to her? So sex is important to me. She knows that it is. And we don't have sex every night. We don't have sex every week either. So where I may feel guilty about keeping secrets from my wife, I don't think the reason I do is exclusive to me.
If my wife were not Catholic, if she did not think that masturbation was an abomination under God, if she were openly sexually explorative, there would be no need for secrets in our house. You might ask, wouldn't it be better to be honest with her regardless of her beliefs? No. I know for a fact that it wouldn't. Once upon a time I did let her know that I watched pornographic movies on our TV. When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, our sex life was better for a short while, then it was back to the usual.
The work that has kept me busy this week was for my brother. He needed some help making changes to a Flash video player in a short amount of time, so I took Monday off and spent all day making the modifications. I wasn't sure I would be able to help, but the person that was originally helping him crapped out, so he was in a jam. When all was said and done, I completed the project on time, made some extra money and learned a good deal in the process. It's been so long since my day job challenged me like that. I think I could really make some cool things with Flash if I committed myself to it.
I especially want to make my own porn site out of my Flash animations. It could be useful on so many levels. First, I would be forced to draw more often. Second, I would learn even more about working in Flash. Third, the only porn I would be looking at would be my own creation. Fourth, if I charged for access, it could be a source of income, too. So far I've registered a domain and made a splash page. And I've developed a player that lets you control a looping animation in a lot of different ways. You can speed it up, slow it down, zoom in and out, pan up and down, left and right, control the sound and switch between different animations. I think it's cool anyway.
But continuing with my original thought, the only thing that makes me feel devilish about my sexual habits is deceiving the missus. That's obviously not good, and I would be bothered if I ever learned that she was keeping secrets from me, too. But consider this. I make dinner for her and I most every night. And I don't always enjoy making dinner. Meals aren't all that important to me, I'd be just as happy having a box of Cheezits for dinner, but proper dinners are important to my wife. So I prepare them. Now if ever I decided that I didn't want to make dinner for us anymore, I would not be indignant if she started coming home with take out food. What right would I have to be angry if I was ignoring something that I know is important to her? So sex is important to me. She knows that it is. And we don't have sex every night. We don't have sex every week either. So where I may feel guilty about keeping secrets from my wife, I don't think the reason I do is exclusive to me.
If my wife were not Catholic, if she did not think that masturbation was an abomination under God, if she were openly sexually explorative, there would be no need for secrets in our house. You might ask, wouldn't it be better to be honest with her regardless of her beliefs? No. I know for a fact that it wouldn't. Once upon a time I did let her know that I watched pornographic movies on our TV. When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, our sex life was better for a short while, then it was back to the usual.
The work that has kept me busy this week was for my brother. He needed some help making changes to a Flash video player in a short amount of time, so I took Monday off and spent all day making the modifications. I wasn't sure I would be able to help, but the person that was originally helping him crapped out, so he was in a jam. When all was said and done, I completed the project on time, made some extra money and learned a good deal in the process. It's been so long since my day job challenged me like that. I think I could really make some cool things with Flash if I committed myself to it.
I especially want to make my own porn site out of my Flash animations. It could be useful on so many levels. First, I would be forced to draw more often. Second, I would learn even more about working in Flash. Third, the only porn I would be looking at would be my own creation. Fourth, if I charged for access, it could be a source of income, too. So far I've registered a domain and made a splash page. And I've developed a player that lets you control a looping animation in a lot of different ways. You can speed it up, slow it down, zoom in and out, pan up and down, left and right, control the sound and switch between different animations. I think it's cool anyway.
Friday, January 25, 2008
So Horrible
This last weekend we visited my inlaws in Tallahassee. It was a three day weekend since Monday was Martin Luther King Day and all three days were spent there. I really didn't want to go, but I didn't want to complain about it either. I hate when my wife complains to me about having to visit my parents, so I spared her the agony. I don't think she wanted to go very much either. For some reason we needed to visit them, even though they came to stay with us for four days after Christmas which was just 3 weeks ago.
One of the things that I dislike about visiting them is just hanging around the house with nothing to do. So we did do something each of the three days, but her family takes so long to get ready to do anything that we never left the house until 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon. So I watched a lot of TV. Meanwhile her Mom talks constantly at full volume, henpecks her Dad, makes excuses for going off of her diet, not exercising, not cleaning the house. I get so frustrated.
Of course I had no time alone to myself and no sexual attention from my wife, so I was waking up in the middle of the night dying for sex. I couldn't get back to sleep so I just lied there next to my wife, staring at the ceiling, imagining how it could be possible to talk to her openly, make her want to please me, or get out of our marriage before we have any kids and find someone more attuned to me. On the morning of the second day I stopped her before she got out of bed and said, "If I don't have some sex I'm going to hurt or kill someone," so we fooled around. I know that seems like I got what I wanted, but that is the bare minimum. That is having sex only when and if I ask for it. That is acquiescence, nowhere near passion.
Tuesday it was back to work. I have two bosses, both were out of the office this week so everyone has been coming in late and hardly working. I haven't done anything all week. I have things I need to do, but I can't bring myself to bother. I just don't give a shit. I know it's entirely passive aggressive of me, but it is what it is. After work I haven't been doing anything noteworthy either. I enjoy my time alone before my wife gets home, then I make dinner for us, we eat dinner and walk the dogs together, we sit at our computers and then go to bed.
Where once I was really getting away from pornography, I have been so horrible this week. I have a Cinemax subscription my wife hasn't noticed, I subscribed to a porn website, I stopped at an adult store and bought a DVD. I posted a fake profile on a dating website and have been corresponding with a known scammer. I even purchased a domain and a web host to start a smut site of my own. I have so many unfinished Flash animations, I really think I could do it if I just had the time and motivation. I never will.
One of the things that I dislike about visiting them is just hanging around the house with nothing to do. So we did do something each of the three days, but her family takes so long to get ready to do anything that we never left the house until 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon. So I watched a lot of TV. Meanwhile her Mom talks constantly at full volume, henpecks her Dad, makes excuses for going off of her diet, not exercising, not cleaning the house. I get so frustrated.
Of course I had no time alone to myself and no sexual attention from my wife, so I was waking up in the middle of the night dying for sex. I couldn't get back to sleep so I just lied there next to my wife, staring at the ceiling, imagining how it could be possible to talk to her openly, make her want to please me, or get out of our marriage before we have any kids and find someone more attuned to me. On the morning of the second day I stopped her before she got out of bed and said, "If I don't have some sex I'm going to hurt or kill someone," so we fooled around. I know that seems like I got what I wanted, but that is the bare minimum. That is having sex only when and if I ask for it. That is acquiescence, nowhere near passion.
Tuesday it was back to work. I have two bosses, both were out of the office this week so everyone has been coming in late and hardly working. I haven't done anything all week. I have things I need to do, but I can't bring myself to bother. I just don't give a shit. I know it's entirely passive aggressive of me, but it is what it is. After work I haven't been doing anything noteworthy either. I enjoy my time alone before my wife gets home, then I make dinner for us, we eat dinner and walk the dogs together, we sit at our computers and then go to bed.
Where once I was really getting away from pornography, I have been so horrible this week. I have a Cinemax subscription my wife hasn't noticed, I subscribed to a porn website, I stopped at an adult store and bought a DVD. I posted a fake profile on a dating website and have been corresponding with a known scammer. I even purchased a domain and a web host to start a smut site of my own. I have so many unfinished Flash animations, I really think I could do it if I just had the time and motivation. I never will.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Not Green Enough
I read over a lot of my past entries. I see I go back and forth between knee-jerk complaining about my life and a more collected perspective that has to admit things aren't so bad. I don't want to take good things for granted or forget that life could always be worse and was most definitely worse at one time. I might complain about my wife sometimes, but I do think it's worse to be alone without any hope for companionship. Working a full time job destroys my morale, but it's worse to be without income and deep in debt. And if I find it difficult to make the time to finish some drawings, there was a span of several years after college when I couldn't bring myself to draw anything. My wife may not want as much sex as I do, but she still does want sex, and there is always the promise that we will have sex again in the future. Everytime I look at my wife's naked body it's as if through my teenage eyes. It's such a gift that once seemed impossible.
One of the biggest differences in me over the years is just my overall mood. I was once so comfortable being depressed. I absolutely loved listening to sad songs. These days I've been finding new music through Pandora.com and I've noticed that everything I like seems to be upbeat, optimistic and hopeful. Moreover, some of the people who I thought had it all together are taking happy drugs now just to get through the day. I never thought I would see the day where I would deem myself better off than most. I'm not saying that I'm full of enthusiasm, but I can make it out of the house, and I can show up on time.
But like anyone else, I always want more. Every new accomplishment might make me happy for a few days and then it just blends in with the mundane. Even though I do believe I am better off today than I have ever been at any point in my life, it's not enough. And the main thing that frustrates me is that the greener side doesn't look so far away. The fence isn't even that high. Wouldn't it be possible to draw for a living? Isn't there anyone who would pay me for and appreciate my talent? And would it really take that much time and effort for my wife to sexually satisfy me? Does she even know how much more love I would express if she did? What would I need to do to start looking forward to tomorrow?
One of the biggest differences in me over the years is just my overall mood. I was once so comfortable being depressed. I absolutely loved listening to sad songs. These days I've been finding new music through Pandora.com and I've noticed that everything I like seems to be upbeat, optimistic and hopeful. Moreover, some of the people who I thought had it all together are taking happy drugs now just to get through the day. I never thought I would see the day where I would deem myself better off than most. I'm not saying that I'm full of enthusiasm, but I can make it out of the house, and I can show up on time.
But like anyone else, I always want more. Every new accomplishment might make me happy for a few days and then it just blends in with the mundane. Even though I do believe I am better off today than I have ever been at any point in my life, it's not enough. And the main thing that frustrates me is that the greener side doesn't look so far away. The fence isn't even that high. Wouldn't it be possible to draw for a living? Isn't there anyone who would pay me for and appreciate my talent? And would it really take that much time and effort for my wife to sexually satisfy me? Does she even know how much more love I would express if she did? What would I need to do to start looking forward to tomorrow?
Monday, January 7, 2008
We Need To
The two days of vacation time that I had all to myself were a wash. The first day I wasted and the second, though I tried to make some new drawings, they were crap. My heart wasn't in it and I didn't stick to my usual methods of working. I just set myself up to fail. But the weekend wasn't so bad. I expected that all of the time would need to go toward taking down Christmas decorations and moving things up into the attic, but there was time for other things.
On Saturday morning, for instance, my wife slept pretty late and I did one of my best drawings so far. I colorized it on the computer and posted it on a drawing forum website where it got some positive feedback. The last drawing I posted there had received no responses at all, which is pretty rare on that site. When my wife finally woke up Saturday morning, she didn't get out of bed too quickly, which indicated to me that she was ready for some nookie. Normally when we have sex after a hiatus I feel like the first time isn't too spectacular, but it was really good.
Sunday morning, she slept in again. We hadn't done any housework on Saturday, so I wanted to get it out of the way as quickly as possible. By the time she got up, I had already done a sinkful of dishes and dismantled the Christmas tree. She got out of bed, though. We had breakfast together on the couch and watched TV for about an hour. I put my arm around her and acted sweet. Then she got up and and I pulled her back down so she was sitting on my lap. I ran my hands over her body, massaged her. I fondled her breasts and she laughed. And then she got up. I got the sense that she wanted to get started on the housework now. No matter that she slept for three hours after I got up and then proceeded to kill an hour doing nothing sitting on the couch. Now, all of a sudden, the housework was important to her. More important than what I wanted to do, apparently.
I finished working on the kitchen and then went to take a shower alone. When I take a shower alone it means that she will probably shower alone later and I will have 10 or 15 minutes to myself to look at pornography if I want. In the shower I thought all of my usual frustrated thoughts. I wished I could communicate how I felt, but I couldn't conceive of a way to do it without having her get defensive and angry. That wouldn't accomplish anything. When I was getting dressed I said to her, "Yesterday was so great. We were so in sync with one another. And I managed to do a good drawing that I'm proud of." I was hoping she would realize that I was comparing yesterday to the present day, but I think the point was lost.
While a mechanic was coming to fix a flat tire on one of our cars, I took down all of the Christmas lights on our house. My wife emerged to say she would help me once she'd had some lunch. The mechanic fixed the tire and I finished taking down the lights. I brought them inside in a tangled clump. She helped me separate them and then we went to work in the garage. We had all of the Halloween and Christmas decorations, plus some furniture to move into the attic. I started moving things up. My wife asked what she could do to help. I suggested some things. She announced that she was getting a headache and that she had some work she needed to do for her job. See you later. When she talks about things that need to be done around the house, the sentence starts "We need to..." but it typically translates as "You need to..." She came back out later and helped me finish cleaning up the garage. Even though she was getting on my nerves, I still felt good about everything we had accomplished. The house did look much better than it has in a while.
One of the things my wife says we need to do is, "We need to pay off our credit card debt." The unspoken corollary is, "While I still purchase whatever random things I want for myself." So this weekend she wanted a Stylophone which was available on eBay. A Stylophone is an instrument that David Bowie played on "Space Oddity." Mind you, she already has one smaller Stylophone which I've only heard her play once, and that was when she first got it. It's obviously not a priority for me that we have another one, but I'm not really interested in being the asshole that quashes her dreams either, so I just told her, "I don't feel like I can talk to you about it. I know you want it, but I don't believe that you won't ever find another one up for auction again." She agreed and said that she wouldn't pay more than $115 for it. Shipping is $25, so she wouldn't have paid more than $140 for it. Thankfully, someone outbid her. And believe it or not, it wasn't me.
She said she was going to take a shower and invited me to join her. I reminded her that I had already showered. She said it would just be quick and that she planned to wear a shower cap to keep her hair from getting wet. That light blue shower cap has to be the most unattractive thing I have ever seen her wear. I told her that she wasn't selling me on the idea. She said she wouldn't wear the shower cap, so I went and showered with her. Neither of us were very affectionate though.
Then we went to bed. I would have enjoyed some sex if she initiated it, but she didn't. While she fell asleep I watched some of Chris Rock's standup on TV. He talked about how if you've never felt like killing your partner, you haven't really been in love. How if you like having sex, then marriage isn't for you. How when you're in a relationship, you both need to have the same focus. And the focus needs to be on her. I grinned and felt validated. She dismissed his commentary saying, "Black people are different than white people. Men are different than women." A lot of black comedians' standup does sound like that to me, but Chris Rock was being a bit more insightful than that.
After she fell asleep I watched some crappy adult programming on a Cinemax subscription my wife doesn't know about. I got bored and turned it off. Sometimes I want to improve our communication and have us both commit to trying harder to meet each others' needs, and sometimes I just want my needs to go away.
On Saturday morning, for instance, my wife slept pretty late and I did one of my best drawings so far. I colorized it on the computer and posted it on a drawing forum website where it got some positive feedback. The last drawing I posted there had received no responses at all, which is pretty rare on that site. When my wife finally woke up Saturday morning, she didn't get out of bed too quickly, which indicated to me that she was ready for some nookie. Normally when we have sex after a hiatus I feel like the first time isn't too spectacular, but it was really good.
Sunday morning, she slept in again. We hadn't done any housework on Saturday, so I wanted to get it out of the way as quickly as possible. By the time she got up, I had already done a sinkful of dishes and dismantled the Christmas tree. She got out of bed, though. We had breakfast together on the couch and watched TV for about an hour. I put my arm around her and acted sweet. Then she got up and and I pulled her back down so she was sitting on my lap. I ran my hands over her body, massaged her. I fondled her breasts and she laughed. And then she got up. I got the sense that she wanted to get started on the housework now. No matter that she slept for three hours after I got up and then proceeded to kill an hour doing nothing sitting on the couch. Now, all of a sudden, the housework was important to her. More important than what I wanted to do, apparently.
I finished working on the kitchen and then went to take a shower alone. When I take a shower alone it means that she will probably shower alone later and I will have 10 or 15 minutes to myself to look at pornography if I want. In the shower I thought all of my usual frustrated thoughts. I wished I could communicate how I felt, but I couldn't conceive of a way to do it without having her get defensive and angry. That wouldn't accomplish anything. When I was getting dressed I said to her, "Yesterday was so great. We were so in sync with one another. And I managed to do a good drawing that I'm proud of." I was hoping she would realize that I was comparing yesterday to the present day, but I think the point was lost.
While a mechanic was coming to fix a flat tire on one of our cars, I took down all of the Christmas lights on our house. My wife emerged to say she would help me once she'd had some lunch. The mechanic fixed the tire and I finished taking down the lights. I brought them inside in a tangled clump. She helped me separate them and then we went to work in the garage. We had all of the Halloween and Christmas decorations, plus some furniture to move into the attic. I started moving things up. My wife asked what she could do to help. I suggested some things. She announced that she was getting a headache and that she had some work she needed to do for her job. See you later. When she talks about things that need to be done around the house, the sentence starts "We need to..." but it typically translates as "You need to..." She came back out later and helped me finish cleaning up the garage. Even though she was getting on my nerves, I still felt good about everything we had accomplished. The house did look much better than it has in a while.
One of the things my wife says we need to do is, "We need to pay off our credit card debt." The unspoken corollary is, "While I still purchase whatever random things I want for myself." So this weekend she wanted a Stylophone which was available on eBay. A Stylophone is an instrument that David Bowie played on "Space Oddity." Mind you, she already has one smaller Stylophone which I've only heard her play once, and that was when she first got it. It's obviously not a priority for me that we have another one, but I'm not really interested in being the asshole that quashes her dreams either, so I just told her, "I don't feel like I can talk to you about it. I know you want it, but I don't believe that you won't ever find another one up for auction again." She agreed and said that she wouldn't pay more than $115 for it. Shipping is $25, so she wouldn't have paid more than $140 for it. Thankfully, someone outbid her. And believe it or not, it wasn't me.
She said she was going to take a shower and invited me to join her. I reminded her that I had already showered. She said it would just be quick and that she planned to wear a shower cap to keep her hair from getting wet. That light blue shower cap has to be the most unattractive thing I have ever seen her wear. I told her that she wasn't selling me on the idea. She said she wouldn't wear the shower cap, so I went and showered with her. Neither of us were very affectionate though.
Then we went to bed. I would have enjoyed some sex if she initiated it, but she didn't. While she fell asleep I watched some of Chris Rock's standup on TV. He talked about how if you've never felt like killing your partner, you haven't really been in love. How if you like having sex, then marriage isn't for you. How when you're in a relationship, you both need to have the same focus. And the focus needs to be on her. I grinned and felt validated. She dismissed his commentary saying, "Black people are different than white people. Men are different than women." A lot of black comedians' standup does sound like that to me, but Chris Rock was being a bit more insightful than that.
After she fell asleep I watched some crappy adult programming on a Cinemax subscription my wife doesn't know about. I got bored and turned it off. Sometimes I want to improve our communication and have us both commit to trying harder to meet each others' needs, and sometimes I just want my needs to go away.
Friday, January 4, 2008
The Prospect of Free Time
Another year has gone by. I have no resolutions. I'll probably find other ways to disappoint myself this year.
I just read through my last two posts from back in September and a good deal has changed since then. My wife has been in her "new" job as a pharmaceutical sales rep for about 6 months now. It's clearly the best job she has ever had and she'd doing really well at it. It was exactly the sort of challenge she needed in her life and I can see how it makes use of her best qualities.
As for her headaches, a local neurologist prescribed her some nasty anti-seizure medication which actually started making her pass out. It was pretty scary. When she reported the side effect to the neurologist, the neurologist first suggested raising the dosage. Then she tried to prescribe a different anti-seizure medication. My wife didn't agree to either. I researched treatments for her type of headache on the Internet and found another option which doesn't have any harmful side effects. Between that and her watching her diet to avoid any products with MSG in them, she's back to leading a more normal life now.
Our sex life has been about the same as it has been. We have a decent amount of sex when she's in the infertile phase of her NFP chart, but her interest in sex kind of stops there, while mine persists.
Shortly before the holidays she had an abnormal period which led us to get a pregnancy test. The test was negative, but we're rather certain that she miscarried. That made her extremely sad, of course. Me too, but I'm obviously a little more removed from the situation. Up until now, we have been completely successful using NFP to hold off having kids. Even so, we still would have welcomed one with open arms. We really only want to wait another year or so more.
I've been uncertain how to help my wife work through the sadness. Do I try to talk to her about it incase she's bottling up her feelings? Or would it be smarter to just let her bring it up if she wants to talk and let time move us forward? I don't feel like I've done anything but last night she told me that I've done a good job of being supportive.
I've assumed that this event has temporarily killed my wife's sexual desire, but I can't say it has affected my own. The holidays afforded us about a week at home together over which we haven't fooled around at all. I tried to get her turned on a few times in the morning but without any luck. She even wore the sexiest black dress and red boots out on New Year's Eve, but I didn't get to help her out of it. Given the recent events, I've tried to be a gentleman and not even bring up my so-called needs. I only mentioned that I wanted to have some fun once, to which she suggested it was my fault for falling asleep so early. Really? That night she fell asleep early.
There was a time, maybe back in November, where I felt like I had freed myself from wasting time looking at pornography. I replaced the habit with drawing, and if I wanted to draw a girl, I printed it out so I wouldn't be stuck in front of the computer. I had some simple rules I would follow to limit my opportunities to look at porn and they were working. Now I can't remember what they were. Maybe I wasn't using my computer when my wife wasn't home.
So much for that. Now I feel as though the part of me that draws in his free time is one clearly defined alter-ego and the part of me that enjoys pornography is another. Yesterday my wife returned to work after her holiday break and I was somebody else all day. I looked at pictures, videos, I even voice chatted with two different girls on SecondLife. By the time my wife got home, I just hated myself.
I have to go back to work on Monday and my wife will be home for the weekend tomorrow, so today feels like my last chance to accomplish anything over this entire two weeks off from work. Mind you, many of the days went into preparing for Christmas and celebrating Christmas with family. But today, I could do anything, and I'm just here feeling frustrated and anxious.
My hope in starting this blog initially was that I would stop living day to day and see the bigger picture, see the negative scripts that I replay over and over. Maybe I could see through them then and replace them with something constructive. This one that I have lived so many times before is the "Prospect of Free Time." Leading up to it I have gradiose visions of all that I will achieve with a block of time to do whatever I please. Inevitably I get mired in visiting or being visited by family. And then when I do get time alone to myself, I feel so anxious with so much hope and so little time, that I end up wasting the opportunity just trying to alleviate the stress. Often I try to do it with porn, but I've also wasted entire days over this vacation playing video games. I don't even feel like I'm enjoying myself with either. I just can't bring myself to do anything else.
So this is it. Today's the day. And I've already wasted half of it writing this.
I just read through my last two posts from back in September and a good deal has changed since then. My wife has been in her "new" job as a pharmaceutical sales rep for about 6 months now. It's clearly the best job she has ever had and she'd doing really well at it. It was exactly the sort of challenge she needed in her life and I can see how it makes use of her best qualities.
As for her headaches, a local neurologist prescribed her some nasty anti-seizure medication which actually started making her pass out. It was pretty scary. When she reported the side effect to the neurologist, the neurologist first suggested raising the dosage. Then she tried to prescribe a different anti-seizure medication. My wife didn't agree to either. I researched treatments for her type of headache on the Internet and found another option which doesn't have any harmful side effects. Between that and her watching her diet to avoid any products with MSG in them, she's back to leading a more normal life now.
Our sex life has been about the same as it has been. We have a decent amount of sex when she's in the infertile phase of her NFP chart, but her interest in sex kind of stops there, while mine persists.
Shortly before the holidays she had an abnormal period which led us to get a pregnancy test. The test was negative, but we're rather certain that she miscarried. That made her extremely sad, of course. Me too, but I'm obviously a little more removed from the situation. Up until now, we have been completely successful using NFP to hold off having kids. Even so, we still would have welcomed one with open arms. We really only want to wait another year or so more.
I've been uncertain how to help my wife work through the sadness. Do I try to talk to her about it incase she's bottling up her feelings? Or would it be smarter to just let her bring it up if she wants to talk and let time move us forward? I don't feel like I've done anything but last night she told me that I've done a good job of being supportive.
I've assumed that this event has temporarily killed my wife's sexual desire, but I can't say it has affected my own. The holidays afforded us about a week at home together over which we haven't fooled around at all. I tried to get her turned on a few times in the morning but without any luck. She even wore the sexiest black dress and red boots out on New Year's Eve, but I didn't get to help her out of it. Given the recent events, I've tried to be a gentleman and not even bring up my so-called needs. I only mentioned that I wanted to have some fun once, to which she suggested it was my fault for falling asleep so early. Really? That night she fell asleep early.
There was a time, maybe back in November, where I felt like I had freed myself from wasting time looking at pornography. I replaced the habit with drawing, and if I wanted to draw a girl, I printed it out so I wouldn't be stuck in front of the computer. I had some simple rules I would follow to limit my opportunities to look at porn and they were working. Now I can't remember what they were. Maybe I wasn't using my computer when my wife wasn't home.
So much for that. Now I feel as though the part of me that draws in his free time is one clearly defined alter-ego and the part of me that enjoys pornography is another. Yesterday my wife returned to work after her holiday break and I was somebody else all day. I looked at pictures, videos, I even voice chatted with two different girls on SecondLife. By the time my wife got home, I just hated myself.
I have to go back to work on Monday and my wife will be home for the weekend tomorrow, so today feels like my last chance to accomplish anything over this entire two weeks off from work. Mind you, many of the days went into preparing for Christmas and celebrating Christmas with family. But today, I could do anything, and I'm just here feeling frustrated and anxious.
My hope in starting this blog initially was that I would stop living day to day and see the bigger picture, see the negative scripts that I replay over and over. Maybe I could see through them then and replace them with something constructive. This one that I have lived so many times before is the "Prospect of Free Time." Leading up to it I have gradiose visions of all that I will achieve with a block of time to do whatever I please. Inevitably I get mired in visiting or being visited by family. And then when I do get time alone to myself, I feel so anxious with so much hope and so little time, that I end up wasting the opportunity just trying to alleviate the stress. Often I try to do it with porn, but I've also wasted entire days over this vacation playing video games. I don't even feel like I'm enjoying myself with either. I just can't bring myself to do anything else.
So this is it. Today's the day. And I've already wasted half of it writing this.
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