Self Abuse

I've been better this week. Mostly because I've been too busy to be bad. Idle hands are the devil's workshop, right? Well, I'm an atheist, so it suffices to say that it's not as easy to be distracted when there is work to be done. Imagining that there are invisible good and evil super-beings overseeing and controlling my everday life is odd enough without suggesting that sexual desire belongs to one or the other. Once I saw masturbation referred to as "self abuse." Really? Orgasms are obviously addictive, but the worst side effect I've ever experienced after having an orgasm is a good night's sleep. Which makes me wonder why Heath Ledger ever needed a prescription of Ambien. You're telling me he couldn't have just had a beer and a shag and then woken up to a bright and sunny new day?

But continuing with my original thought, the only thing that makes me feel devilish about my sexual habits is deceiving the missus. That's obviously not good, and I would be bothered if I ever learned that she was keeping secrets from me, too. But consider this. I make dinner for her and I most every night. And I don't always enjoy making dinner. Meals aren't all that important to me, I'd be just as happy having a box of Cheezits for dinner, but proper dinners are important to my wife. So I prepare them. Now if ever I decided that I didn't want to make dinner for us anymore, I would not be indignant if she started coming home with take out food. What right would I have to be angry if I was ignoring something that I know is important to her? So sex is important to me. She knows that it is. And we don't have sex every night. We don't have sex every week either. So where I may feel guilty about keeping secrets from my wife, I don't think the reason I do is exclusive to me.

If my wife were not Catholic, if she did not think that masturbation was an abomination under God, if she were openly sexually explorative, there would be no need for secrets in our house. You might ask, wouldn't it be better to be honest with her regardless of her beliefs? No. I know for a fact that it wouldn't. Once upon a time I did let her know that I watched pornographic movies on our TV. When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, our sex life was better for a short while, then it was back to the usual.

The work that has kept me busy this week was for my brother. He needed some help making changes to a Flash video player in a short amount of time, so I took Monday off and spent all day making the modifications. I wasn't sure I would be able to help, but the person that was originally helping him crapped out, so he was in a jam. When all was said and done, I completed the project on time, made some extra money and learned a good deal in the process. It's been so long since my day job challenged me like that. I think I could really make some cool things with Flash if I committed myself to it.

I especially want to make my own porn site out of my Flash animations. It could be useful on so many levels. First, I would be forced to draw more often. Second, I would learn even more about working in Flash. Third, the only porn I would be looking at would be my own creation. Fourth, if I charged for access, it could be a source of income, too. So far I've registered a domain and made a splash page. And I've developed a player that lets you control a looping animation in a lot of different ways. You can speed it up, slow it down, zoom in and out, pan up and down, left and right, control the sound and switch between different animations. I think it's cool anyway.