Not Green Enough

I read over a lot of my past entries. I see I go back and forth between knee-jerk complaining about my life and a more collected perspective that has to admit things aren't so bad. I don't want to take good things for granted or forget that life could always be worse and was most definitely worse at one time. I might complain about my wife sometimes, but I do think it's worse to be alone without any hope for companionship. Working a full time job destroys my morale, but it's worse to be without income and deep in debt. And if I find it difficult to make the time to finish some drawings, there was a span of several years after college when I couldn't bring myself to draw anything. My wife may not want as much sex as I do, but she still does want sex, and there is always the promise that we will have sex again in the future. Everytime I look at my wife's naked body it's as if through my teenage eyes. It's such a gift that once seemed impossible.

One of the biggest differences in me over the years is just my overall mood. I was once so comfortable being depressed. I absolutely loved listening to sad songs. These days I've been finding new music through Pandora.com and I've noticed that everything I like seems to be upbeat, optimistic and hopeful. Moreover, some of the people who I thought had it all together are taking happy drugs now just to get through the day. I never thought I would see the day where I would deem myself better off than most. I'm not saying that I'm full of enthusiasm, but I can make it out of the house, and I can show up on time.

But like anyone else, I always want more. Every new accomplishment might make me happy for a few days and then it just blends in with the mundane. Even though I do believe I am better off today than I have ever been at any point in my life, it's not enough. And the main thing that frustrates me is that the greener side doesn't look so far away. The fence isn't even that high. Wouldn't it be possible to draw for a living? Isn't there anyone who would pay me for and appreciate my talent? And would it really take that much time and effort for my wife to sexually satisfy me? Does she even know how much more love I would express if she did? What would I need to do to start looking forward to tomorrow?