Ups and Downs

I can't take the ups and downs. My wife has been so good to me recently, I've been feeling like our marriage is exactly the way I've always wanted it to be. Really. I don't want it to ever change, but I'm sure it will.

The first time we had sex during this cycle was in the morning, my favorite time to have sex, and even though we sleep naked, she took the time to dress in something sexy just for me without my even asking.

We might have had sex again on Tuesday evening, she had said that she wanted to, but I ruined it by getting wasted. Come Wednesday I thought she'd be angry with me and cold as a result, but she acted like nothing had happened. She still was hoping to make love that evening, but I was dog tired. I went to bed and told her she was welcome to wake me up. She fell asleep on the couch, though, and didn't climb into bed until after midnight. But all hope was not lost, we wound up having a quickie in the morning before work on Thursday. I couldn't believe it! Sex in the morning, and on a weekday? It was a dream come true. I told her, "I don't care what happens today because I've already done everything I wanted to do."

On Friday, yesterday, she needed to go out of town for a friend's bridal shower. She said she wanted to get in another shag before she left and I was all for it. She had a lot of packing to do, however, and it was starting to look like we wouldn't have time. We were both disappointed at the idea of missing out, so we went ahead and hopped in bed. I can't remember the last time sex with me won out over something else my wife had to do. I was amazed. But that's not all. She knows I love doing it with her lying flat on her stomach, so she suggested we start in that position and I happily agreed. It was fantastic, we were both so connected. Not just that way. You know what I mean.

I want it to be like this forever.

Meanwhile, within myself, I feel like a mess. In truth, I would really like to work part time and face the risk of trying to market myself as an artist, but the more I consider it, I'm wrought with anxiety. I know it's why I got trashed on Tuesday night. And I know I don't have to make this change, but it still feels like destiny. It feels like what everyone I've ever known has wanted of me and for me. I don't plan to even try this until June, but I still want to get ready now. I want to get my websites in order and print business cards, for starters.

I say that's what I want to do, but this week I've gone back to playing that horrible game, SecondLife. I did make a fair amount of money from it when I played it last year, but just like drinking, I use it to lose myself. I left the game when i was completely bored with it and never expected to regain the slightest interest. Now I'm playing it when I could be doing something productive.

So my wife is still out of town for the bridal shower and I was home alone all day. Tomorrow we are going to visit her brother. We didn't get to see him for Christmas, but as a Christmas present, he asked if I would make him a cool picture of a spaceship for his apartment. I gladly agreed. At the time it seemed like it would be fun to do. None of us have exchanged Christmas presents yet, so naturally I put off doing this until today.

I have had the entire day to myself, but just I can't do it. I sat down and put pencil to paper, but I don't know what I'm drawing. My imagination is void. I tried just starting with geometric shapes, but I hate what I see. There needs to be a concept in my mind of what I want it to look like, and there is none. I started to look online for ideas and I remembered that I had seen a neat website where a guy assembled parts from model airplane kits into futuristic spaceships. I couldn't find it again, though.

It occurred to me that I could do something like that with all of the electronic junk I've accumulated and stockpiled over the years. I definitely have plenty of old computer parts that could be sacrificed. I could make a spaceship from some junk, photograph it, and enhance it in Photoshop. I got excited that I finally had an idea. I rushed out and got some quick-drying adhesive, so extreme that it warns of potential birth defects, came back and scattered small and interesting technological debris all over the floor. I put together three different ships so I would have some to choose from.

When the adhesive dried, I thought it would be a good idea to make them a uniform color, so I started to paint them white. This effectively ruined them. The paint took away their clean edges and make them look like nothing in particular. I had one left that I hadn't painted yet, my least favorite one, so I photographed it and started adding to it in Photoshop until I gave in to the loud voice in my head telling me that it looked incredibly stupid.

Suddenly I was back in art school, struggling to meet a deadline and resolving that it would be better to show nothing than to show utter crap. It would better to have hidden potential than to suffer the public humiliation. Then the problem can be my time management skills and not a lack of talent or vision. As familiar as it is, the sense of self-defeat is so overwhelming. I wish I could just disappear.