Pushing My Luck

Man, I am seriously pushing my luck. Last night while my wife was in our living room playing on our Wii, I purchased a subscription to a porn website. At first I only purchased a 3 day trial for $3, but then when I saw that the trial didn't give you full access to the site, I went ahead and paid an additional $30.

And I don't even understand why I or anyone would ever purchase pornography on the Internet. There is so much free porn available. You can download torrents of entire porn DVDs and it's a safe assumption that the industry won't come after you. But a DVD download can take an entire day on our DSL connection and it's tough to know what's worth downloading. I guess I just found something I liked and felt like I had to have it.

Once I logged into the site, I started downloading several big movies. Each was set to take more than an hour, so I just waited until after my wife went to sleep to watch them. She had asked for a back massage before bed so I gave her one that put her out like a light. Then I snuck out of the bedroom and I watched all of one video that was 30 minutes long. It turned me on so much. I would feel terrible if my wife ever caught me, but I think the possibility of that thrills me on some level.

Buying any pornography without using cash is very risky. The charge is always visible on the online statement and will also show up on the printed statement that comes in the mail. If that weren't bad enough, our credit card company called our house this morning while I was at work and suggested that there may have been some fraudulent charges made with one of our credit cards. My wife told me about it and I had to play dumb.

I have to strongly consider the idea that I subconsciously want to get caught. Maybe my sexual deviance is my way of expressing the bitterness I feel about our sex life. Or else I know I'm out of control and don't believe I'll ever break free from my porn addiction without someone else's help. Or maybe that's reading too much into my actions and I just want what I want no matter the consequences.

We came so close to fooling around last night it seemed. I was making pancakes for dinner and she was doing the dishes. I started kissing her neck and feeling her body and it seemed like she was getting turned on. I got hard and she felt my cock through my pants, but we needed to finish what we were doing. And then we didn't revisit the topic for the rest of the night. I suppose I could always stand to be more aggressive. I just think I'm good at reading her and I can tell when she's playing around and when she's truly interested.

Now that I have a purchased subscription I feel obligated to make the most of it and download every last video that turns me on. Even while a part of me wishes I could just will myself to put all of the smut far out of reach.

But now that she has a new job, she already has meeting and training sessions scheduled that will keep her away from home for a week in June and three weeks in July. That's too much free time on my hands.