So the next cell phone photo I received from my wife had her making a kissy face. How disappointing. I was looking forward to it all day and that was it. Yes, it was a nice gesture, she didn't have to send me anything, but the first photo wasn't exactly cutesy, it was hot and sexy.
She sent two more photos over the next two days and they were much more in line with what I was after. They turned me on a lot. Then I didn't need any more photos because it was Friday and time to fly up to visit her in person.
The flight from Jacksonville to New York was short, but involved so many other short trips in cars, shuttle buses, and airport monorails, it took almost 7 hours to get to her. It felt familiar. It reminded me of the time I visited a girlfriend in college who decided to spend a semester in England. On one hand it's nice to be missed, but then I've never had anyone go through so much trouble to visit me.
But then she teared up when I walked in her hotel room and the hectic trip and all of the little superficial frustrations of living with another person disappeared. Somebody loves me very much and I love her very much, too. I felt so appreciated, and more special than my nephews make me feel when they fight for my attention.
So nice having sex! With her erratic NFP chart, her hospital stay, and then this business trip, I think it was almost a month since we last had sex. She thinks she's put on a little weight since she's been away, but her body looked fantastic to me. We went into New York City on Saturday, then to my hometown on Sunday, and I don't think we argued about a thing. We only got to make love twice. I was hoping we'd have one last go before I needed to leave on Sunday, but I came down with a cold and felt completely worn out.
I've been back home four days now, still fighting off this cold. She's still up at training and finally gets to come home tomorrow. I haven't gotten any more sexy cell phone photos from her, but all the same, this cold has killed my sexual desire. I'm actually disinterested in looking at pornography. I just want to sleep until I feel better.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Pleasantly Surprised
So it's been two months since my last post here. Some interesting events have happened, but as far as I and my wife are concerned, we're still the same. I'm still the same. She's still the same.
Last month she had a really strange cycle where all of the signs that we use to chart her fertile and infertile phases were too sporadic for us to delineate the end of one phase and the beginning of another. Our only recourse was to wait until she had her period to know that we could have sex after then.
She was so frustrated about it. I appreciate that she really looks forward to the times when we can have sex, that is great, I obviously do, too, but there's no use in getting so aggrivated over something you have little or no control over, like your waking body temperature. She makes it seem like the NFP chart of her cycle restricts us from expressing ourselves sexually, when it only restricts when we can have full-on intercourse.
Much as I'd like to and try to instigate it, we don't fool around much when she is in her fertile phase. Where I'm just as happy getting stimulated in some other way, she just wants to fuck and anything else pales in comparison for her. I know what you're thinking, and I'm really no slouch when it comes to stimulating her other ways, too. I promise you, I'm experienced, attentive and patient, and I don't hear any complaints.
Around that time she was really getting on my nerves in so many little ways. She still hadn't been notified of when she would get her 3 weeks of sales training in NJ. That meant that she was getting paid to sit around at home, and every day she was stressing about it. She's under a year-long contract so she can't be fired. Here she started a job with essentially 3 months of paid vacation and she couldn't just relax and fucking enjoy it.
What's more, it seemed like anything to do with my visiting my family, be it my brother and his wife and kids, or my parents, was something for her to complain about. And my parents aren't really that difficult. My Mom always goes out of her way to please everyone. Anytime we visit it means we'll probably eat a favorite meal (of mine or my wife) and we'll go home with extra dessert or cookies. Torture!
On top of that, it seemed like my wife was constantly reporting one ailment after another. It seemed to be happening so often that I suggested she might have some unconscious attachment to not feeling well, which, by the way, is a great way to start an argument. I know I sound like an asshole here, but I'm generally caring toward her, I ask if there is anything I can do to help, anything I can bring home, but after a while it just brings you down to live with someone who never seems to be healthy and satisfied with life. It frustrates me when there is nothing I can do to fix the problem outside of small empty gestures.
Anyway, I was wrong, and the crumby chart was foreboding. As the weeks progressed, she started to get migraine headaches. She'd have them in groups, day after day, where previously she was just getting one occasionally during her period. The symptoms progressed until she started to feel numb on one side of her body. It freaked us both out so we went to the emergency room. She was admitted to the hospital and was kept under observation for two days.
I stayed with her the entire time that she was in the hospital, sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner, and running home every so often to let our dogs out and feed them. I was nothing but calm and supportive and tried to bring her something to make her more comfortable each time I returned. She had an IV in her arm, so I enjoyed the opportunity to help her take a shower. They determined that the numbness was just part of the "aura" of her headache, but they gave her some new medication to take that might actually eliminate her migraine headaches all together. We were both relieved when she was released to go to go home.
Shortly before she went into the hospital, she was given the dates for her training in NJ. At last. I was really looking forward to the time alone. I do love my wife, but I think I appreciate our time apart more than she does. I really need her companionship, but sometimes she talks so much about so many superficial things, I just stop listening. And having her away means I don't have to make dinner on any sort of normal schedule. The prospect of a good 3 weeks alone made me very (unrealistically) optimistic about what I could accomplish while she was away.
All this time with her not feeling well, having a messed up NFP chart and little interest in non-fucking sexual acts, combined with my overall lack of self control, has kept me leaning heavily on the pornography crutch. Even while I feel pretty bored with it. The good news is that I've lost all interest in playing SecondLife, so I don't waste a lot time there anymore. I tried voice chatting with someone over it some time ago, like phone sex, and it didn't do much for me. Now it's demystified and I know it to be really awkward and stupid.
Knowing that my wife would be away for a while, I've gotten fixated on the idea of going to a strip club, since I've never been to one before. Part of me thinks it would be exciting and good for me to try something I've never done before. Another part of me thinks it wouldn't be all that great. I'd probably feel really self-conscious and wouldn't be turned on at all. I don't think the reality of the situation would compare with the fantasy. At the moment, I'm successfully putting it out of my head.
So my wife has been up in NJ for a week now. I've barely accomplished anything that I wanted to, like cleaning up around the house or drawing. I haven't played a single video game, though, and I did prepare one piece of artwork for assembly. I'm just waiting on a tool in the mail that will allow me to finish it. I also have spend some quality time with my family. So it hasn't been a total waste. But needless to say, I've been binging on downloading pornography and now I'm feeling kind of low. I deleted everything from my computer again, but I also need to put my DVDs well out of reach.
I still feel like I have no idea how to reconcile my strong sexual desire. Should I focus all my sexual attention on my wife instead of pornography, or would that just set me up for more rejection and frustration? Should I try to stay away from pornography at all costs, or should I just accept that it's inevitable and try limit the amount of time I waste on it? Should I try to avoid being alone so that I won't have the opportunity to look at pornography, or is that avoiding the real issue, which is a lack of self control? Should I be open with my wife about it, or will that just wreck whatever progress our sex life has made?
I probably wouldn't even mind the fact that I've been looking at a lot of pornography if I was also drawing. But for some reason, I'm seriously anxious about drawing and I'm using pornography as an outlet for that stress. So when all is said and done, I either have no time left to draw or no energy for it. I recently read a self-help book titled Freedom From Self Sabotage which helped me understand the nature of my bad behavior, but I haven't changed my habits in the least. I hate myself for wasting this opportunity to draw and be creative without any outside distractions.
At the end of this week I'm going up to visit my wife in NJ for the weekend. I honestly would be just as happy staying at home and at least trying to accomplish something. It seems like a fairly expensive booty call overall. But she's really excited about me visiting, and it is good to feel needed. We are planning to do some things that I want to do, like see a favorite comedian perform in NYC and drive around the town where I grew up in NJ, so I am looking forward to it also.
She and I have talked on the phone every day and have been sending text messages here and there. She hasn't been asking me much about what I've been doing. I guess that's good because I don't have much to tell her, but I wonder if she's even interested. I'm afraid I sound bored when I talk to her. I do miss her, but I hate talking on the phone.
Last night she pleasantly surprised me with a naughty cell phone photo of her naked backside. It was completely her idea, I didn't prompt it any way, and it made me so happy. It might seem silly, but I found it incredibly thoughtful on her part. For the moment, I felt like she understood where I'm at. I think she and I both would be happier if I was looking at pictures of her over anyone else. Of course, I insisted that she send another photo immediately, but she only let me have the one. So I told her that I need a daily photo while she is away and she agreed. How awesome is that? I can't wait!
Last month she had a really strange cycle where all of the signs that we use to chart her fertile and infertile phases were too sporadic for us to delineate the end of one phase and the beginning of another. Our only recourse was to wait until she had her period to know that we could have sex after then.
She was so frustrated about it. I appreciate that she really looks forward to the times when we can have sex, that is great, I obviously do, too, but there's no use in getting so aggrivated over something you have little or no control over, like your waking body temperature. She makes it seem like the NFP chart of her cycle restricts us from expressing ourselves sexually, when it only restricts when we can have full-on intercourse.
Much as I'd like to and try to instigate it, we don't fool around much when she is in her fertile phase. Where I'm just as happy getting stimulated in some other way, she just wants to fuck and anything else pales in comparison for her. I know what you're thinking, and I'm really no slouch when it comes to stimulating her other ways, too. I promise you, I'm experienced, attentive and patient, and I don't hear any complaints.
Around that time she was really getting on my nerves in so many little ways. She still hadn't been notified of when she would get her 3 weeks of sales training in NJ. That meant that she was getting paid to sit around at home, and every day she was stressing about it. She's under a year-long contract so she can't be fired. Here she started a job with essentially 3 months of paid vacation and she couldn't just relax and fucking enjoy it.
What's more, it seemed like anything to do with my visiting my family, be it my brother and his wife and kids, or my parents, was something for her to complain about. And my parents aren't really that difficult. My Mom always goes out of her way to please everyone. Anytime we visit it means we'll probably eat a favorite meal (of mine or my wife) and we'll go home with extra dessert or cookies. Torture!
On top of that, it seemed like my wife was constantly reporting one ailment after another. It seemed to be happening so often that I suggested she might have some unconscious attachment to not feeling well, which, by the way, is a great way to start an argument. I know I sound like an asshole here, but I'm generally caring toward her, I ask if there is anything I can do to help, anything I can bring home, but after a while it just brings you down to live with someone who never seems to be healthy and satisfied with life. It frustrates me when there is nothing I can do to fix the problem outside of small empty gestures.
Anyway, I was wrong, and the crumby chart was foreboding. As the weeks progressed, she started to get migraine headaches. She'd have them in groups, day after day, where previously she was just getting one occasionally during her period. The symptoms progressed until she started to feel numb on one side of her body. It freaked us both out so we went to the emergency room. She was admitted to the hospital and was kept under observation for two days.
I stayed with her the entire time that she was in the hospital, sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner, and running home every so often to let our dogs out and feed them. I was nothing but calm and supportive and tried to bring her something to make her more comfortable each time I returned. She had an IV in her arm, so I enjoyed the opportunity to help her take a shower. They determined that the numbness was just part of the "aura" of her headache, but they gave her some new medication to take that might actually eliminate her migraine headaches all together. We were both relieved when she was released to go to go home.
Shortly before she went into the hospital, she was given the dates for her training in NJ. At last. I was really looking forward to the time alone. I do love my wife, but I think I appreciate our time apart more than she does. I really need her companionship, but sometimes she talks so much about so many superficial things, I just stop listening. And having her away means I don't have to make dinner on any sort of normal schedule. The prospect of a good 3 weeks alone made me very (unrealistically) optimistic about what I could accomplish while she was away.
All this time with her not feeling well, having a messed up NFP chart and little interest in non-fucking sexual acts, combined with my overall lack of self control, has kept me leaning heavily on the pornography crutch. Even while I feel pretty bored with it. The good news is that I've lost all interest in playing SecondLife, so I don't waste a lot time there anymore. I tried voice chatting with someone over it some time ago, like phone sex, and it didn't do much for me. Now it's demystified and I know it to be really awkward and stupid.
Knowing that my wife would be away for a while, I've gotten fixated on the idea of going to a strip club, since I've never been to one before. Part of me thinks it would be exciting and good for me to try something I've never done before. Another part of me thinks it wouldn't be all that great. I'd probably feel really self-conscious and wouldn't be turned on at all. I don't think the reality of the situation would compare with the fantasy. At the moment, I'm successfully putting it out of my head.
So my wife has been up in NJ for a week now. I've barely accomplished anything that I wanted to, like cleaning up around the house or drawing. I haven't played a single video game, though, and I did prepare one piece of artwork for assembly. I'm just waiting on a tool in the mail that will allow me to finish it. I also have spend some quality time with my family. So it hasn't been a total waste. But needless to say, I've been binging on downloading pornography and now I'm feeling kind of low. I deleted everything from my computer again, but I also need to put my DVDs well out of reach.
I still feel like I have no idea how to reconcile my strong sexual desire. Should I focus all my sexual attention on my wife instead of pornography, or would that just set me up for more rejection and frustration? Should I try to stay away from pornography at all costs, or should I just accept that it's inevitable and try limit the amount of time I waste on it? Should I try to avoid being alone so that I won't have the opportunity to look at pornography, or is that avoiding the real issue, which is a lack of self control? Should I be open with my wife about it, or will that just wreck whatever progress our sex life has made?
I probably wouldn't even mind the fact that I've been looking at a lot of pornography if I was also drawing. But for some reason, I'm seriously anxious about drawing and I'm using pornography as an outlet for that stress. So when all is said and done, I either have no time left to draw or no energy for it. I recently read a self-help book titled Freedom From Self Sabotage which helped me understand the nature of my bad behavior, but I haven't changed my habits in the least. I hate myself for wasting this opportunity to draw and be creative without any outside distractions.
At the end of this week I'm going up to visit my wife in NJ for the weekend. I honestly would be just as happy staying at home and at least trying to accomplish something. It seems like a fairly expensive booty call overall. But she's really excited about me visiting, and it is good to feel needed. We are planning to do some things that I want to do, like see a favorite comedian perform in NYC and drive around the town where I grew up in NJ, so I am looking forward to it also.
She and I have talked on the phone every day and have been sending text messages here and there. She hasn't been asking me much about what I've been doing. I guess that's good because I don't have much to tell her, but I wonder if she's even interested. I'm afraid I sound bored when I talk to her. I do miss her, but I hate talking on the phone.
Last night she pleasantly surprised me with a naughty cell phone photo of her naked backside. It was completely her idea, I didn't prompt it any way, and it made me so happy. It might seem silly, but I found it incredibly thoughtful on her part. For the moment, I felt like she understood where I'm at. I think she and I both would be happier if I was looking at pictures of her over anyone else. Of course, I insisted that she send another photo immediately, but she only let me have the one. So I told her that I need a daily photo while she is away and she agreed. How awesome is that? I can't wait!
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Free Time
Things have been, I guess, the usual. My wife was sick for a while, had no interest in fooling around whatsoever. It was OK though, I wasn't much in the mood either. Work was frustrating last week as I was working 10 hour days in order to have Friday off. But there hasn't been much that needs doing, so it's been longer days with less to do. I get bored, but I don't use the time wisely, I just pass the day wasting time and that just makes me more aggrivated.
Meanwhile the wife has started her new job, but since she's working from home she's mostly been studying training materials. Her job will include a bit of travel, so I think to get the new employees used to that idea, her company puts all their new reps up in a local hotel for a few nights. In her case, she's staying at a nice hotel in Jacksonville, about an hour away from home.
Last night was the first night. I was looking forward to the time to myself, but she wanted us have dinner together up there and I wanted to be supportive of her new job. But also, she's just about kicked her cold, right as she's hit the infertile phase of her cycle, so there was nothing stopping us from having some nookie in her hotel room.
It was a nice sort of date, we ate at a decent restaurant. Sex seems funny when it's so contrived. When we got back to the room it felt like I was waiting and it felt like she knew I was waiting. And after waiting the while through her fertile phase, the first time we have sex in each new cycle always seems somehow unspectacular. It's great because it's sex, but it's not the best sex.
So she told me that she had more studying to do so it had to be something of a quickie. Not easy to be in the moment when you're watching the clock. And foreplay pretty much involved her lying on her back while I smooched and groped her naughty bits until she said she was ready. I don't think she would have put any effort into it at all if I didn't ask her to be on top halfway through. It still seemed like she was enjoying herself, but I was tired. Right about when she was really enjoying herself, I was out of breath. All the same, you've got to love having hotel room sex.
Once I left to go home, it was finally my time and I was desperate to do something deviant. I wanted to find an ATM to get some cash and then go buy some porn. But it was already 11 pm when I left the hotel. By the time I got to the porno shop, it was closed. I drove home thinking about all of the other things I could do. I was hungry enough that I would have gone to a strip club if I'd passed one. But I just went home, started surfing porn on the Internet, bought a subscription to another porn website and stayed up until 2:30 in the morning.
When the alarm went off I was dead. I snoozed it at least five times. But once I was up I went straight back to the computer. I got ready fast and went to work. Then when I had a meeting near my house, I drove home and looked at more porn on my lunchbreak. I haven't eaten anything all day.
My wife called a little while ago and invited me up for dinner again. I told her I wanted to take a nap when I got home and she said I could come up after then. If she wants to fool around again, there's no way I'll be able to stay hard.
Meanwhile the wife has started her new job, but since she's working from home she's mostly been studying training materials. Her job will include a bit of travel, so I think to get the new employees used to that idea, her company puts all their new reps up in a local hotel for a few nights. In her case, she's staying at a nice hotel in Jacksonville, about an hour away from home.
Last night was the first night. I was looking forward to the time to myself, but she wanted us have dinner together up there and I wanted to be supportive of her new job. But also, she's just about kicked her cold, right as she's hit the infertile phase of her cycle, so there was nothing stopping us from having some nookie in her hotel room.
It was a nice sort of date, we ate at a decent restaurant. Sex seems funny when it's so contrived. When we got back to the room it felt like I was waiting and it felt like she knew I was waiting. And after waiting the while through her fertile phase, the first time we have sex in each new cycle always seems somehow unspectacular. It's great because it's sex, but it's not the best sex.
So she told me that she had more studying to do so it had to be something of a quickie. Not easy to be in the moment when you're watching the clock. And foreplay pretty much involved her lying on her back while I smooched and groped her naughty bits until she said she was ready. I don't think she would have put any effort into it at all if I didn't ask her to be on top halfway through. It still seemed like she was enjoying herself, but I was tired. Right about when she was really enjoying herself, I was out of breath. All the same, you've got to love having hotel room sex.
Once I left to go home, it was finally my time and I was desperate to do something deviant. I wanted to find an ATM to get some cash and then go buy some porn. But it was already 11 pm when I left the hotel. By the time I got to the porno shop, it was closed. I drove home thinking about all of the other things I could do. I was hungry enough that I would have gone to a strip club if I'd passed one. But I just went home, started surfing porn on the Internet, bought a subscription to another porn website and stayed up until 2:30 in the morning.
When the alarm went off I was dead. I snoozed it at least five times. But once I was up I went straight back to the computer. I got ready fast and went to work. Then when I had a meeting near my house, I drove home and looked at more porn on my lunchbreak. I haven't eaten anything all day.
My wife called a little while ago and invited me up for dinner again. I told her I wanted to take a nap when I got home and she said I could come up after then. If she wants to fool around again, there's no way I'll be able to stay hard.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Dread
Earlier this week I wanted a beer with dinner, but we didn't have any in the house. We did have liquor, so I decided to make a mixed drink. I asked my wife if she wanted something too, and she did. While I was making it she asked if I was trying to get her drunk. I said, "Why would I want to do that? Alcohol doesn't make you loose, it just makes you tired. Besides, we have enough sex as it is."
She acted surprised and said, "Do you really think so?" I have been expressing that I've wanted to have more sex for quite a while, but that's not how I'm feeling these days.
I said, "I see it like this. If you look at our last 3 NFP charts, we have sex about 5 times each cycle. So we have sex about once a week on average."
She agreed, but surprised me when she said, "Well, I'd still like to have more sex." I asked her if she wanted to have sex 6 times during this cycle, and she said yes. So it's like we have a quota now. And we've only had sex twice so far.
I think there's a real discrepancy between what my wife says or even thinks she wants and what she actually does. In reality my wife only initiates sex once we've gone to bed for the night. And I can't stand having such a predictable sex life. That wrecks the anticipation which I say is just as important as the sex itself.
So she had an appointment to get her hair done on Wednesday night so I had some time alone at home. I logged in to SecondLife and wanted to have virtual sex with someone, but I ended up just chatting with some loser. It was boring. Thursday night I looked at some pornography on the computer, but didn't have much time to myself before my wife got home.
The last time we had sex was on Tuesday night. If I haven't had sex or masturbated in a few days, sometimes I'll have a sex dream while I'm sleeping. I did last night, but it involved another woman. It wasn't anyone I know, but in the dream someone was going to tell my wife what I'd done and I was overwhelmed with dread. It was so real that I was deeply relieved when I woke up and realized that I hadn't done anything wrong.
I had that dream for two reasons. The most obvious reason is that adultery was a theme in a TV show we'd watched before we went to bed. But also, I'm worried about the porn website subscription charge that's going to be on our credit card statement now. A few days ago my wife asked for the password to view our statement online so she could see if another charge went through. Luckily she had trouble logging in, so I just sent her a PDF of the statement with the porn subscription charge removed. But the statement will be mailed to us very soon and I need to intercept it before she sees it. I signed up to stop receiving paper statements but the confirmation said it may take up to 2 months for the paper statements to stop coming in the mail.
She acted surprised and said, "Do you really think so?" I have been expressing that I've wanted to have more sex for quite a while, but that's not how I'm feeling these days.
I said, "I see it like this. If you look at our last 3 NFP charts, we have sex about 5 times each cycle. So we have sex about once a week on average."
She agreed, but surprised me when she said, "Well, I'd still like to have more sex." I asked her if she wanted to have sex 6 times during this cycle, and she said yes. So it's like we have a quota now. And we've only had sex twice so far.
I think there's a real discrepancy between what my wife says or even thinks she wants and what she actually does. In reality my wife only initiates sex once we've gone to bed for the night. And I can't stand having such a predictable sex life. That wrecks the anticipation which I say is just as important as the sex itself.
So she had an appointment to get her hair done on Wednesday night so I had some time alone at home. I logged in to SecondLife and wanted to have virtual sex with someone, but I ended up just chatting with some loser. It was boring. Thursday night I looked at some pornography on the computer, but didn't have much time to myself before my wife got home.
The last time we had sex was on Tuesday night. If I haven't had sex or masturbated in a few days, sometimes I'll have a sex dream while I'm sleeping. I did last night, but it involved another woman. It wasn't anyone I know, but in the dream someone was going to tell my wife what I'd done and I was overwhelmed with dread. It was so real that I was deeply relieved when I woke up and realized that I hadn't done anything wrong.
I had that dream for two reasons. The most obvious reason is that adultery was a theme in a TV show we'd watched before we went to bed. But also, I'm worried about the porn website subscription charge that's going to be on our credit card statement now. A few days ago my wife asked for the password to view our statement online so she could see if another charge went through. Luckily she had trouble logging in, so I just sent her a PDF of the statement with the porn subscription charge removed. But the statement will be mailed to us very soon and I need to intercept it before she sees it. I signed up to stop receiving paper statements but the confirmation said it may take up to 2 months for the paper statements to stop coming in the mail.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Stop Complaining
I've been complaining too much. Things aren't really so awful with my sex life. Looking at it objectively, I'm having sex more regularly now than I ever have. I can see my attitude is starting to change, and I hope it stays. I'm very proud of my wife, she's accomplished a lot in the last few weeks, and what's she's accomplished will help both of us a good deal.
First, she's gotten a new job where she'll be making a lot more money. She'll have a company car, gas paid for by the company, a new laptop and a new cell phone. She won't have to go into an office, and she'll have greater freedom to manage her own time, so I expect she'll be happier overall. She even won a contest at her current company that will give us a free stay at the most expensive hotel in town. The contest involved giving a short presentation about the company's products and she did it better than any of the other sales reps in the region.
There was a time when I honestly felt like she was getting to be more trouble than she was worth. She seemed down and out, and was devoting all of her time and attention to adoring some crappy band and their website message boards. She was putting no effort into our sex life and always seemed to prioritize other interests over our relationship. All throughout her life she's been an overachiever, but it was clear that the job she had was making her feel unsuccessful and seriously damaging her self-esteem. But she's turned everything around now, and I realize that I'm with someone very special.
But I've still been struggling to deal with my sex drive. Where on Thursday night I felt indignant when she apathetically rolled onto her belly to let me get off, I was so hungry for sex on Saturday morning that I couldn't take it anymore. Try as I might, I couldn't get her aroused enough to give or receive oral sex, so when she lied on her stomach, I used her like a cheap sex toy. I took my time and rubbed my cock against her ass until I was good and satisfied. Where her disinterest in sex typically aggrivates me, it can also turn me on a good deal, too.
So her parents and brother visited our house this weekend. Her mom can be seriously obnoxious, and though I get along OK with all of them, I don't always enjoy having them around.My mother-in-law is constantly talking at full volume and blaming my father-in-law for every little thing. And my wife's family takes forever to go and do anything. Having them around meant I couldn't look at pornography on my computer, though, so it was good for me to be forced into a reprieve.
One of the places we went this weekend was a big outdoor mall. My brother-in-law and I went in the Barnes and Noble and I found a thick hardcover book of Playboy Magazine illustrations and cartoons in the discount section. I wanted to get it, but I didn't want my wife's family asking about it so I resolved to pick it up on Monday. My father has a subscription to Playboy Magazine when I was a kid, and he didn't hide them well at all, so I grew up admiring the artists who were featured in the magazine, among other things.
A lot of what I have been drawing recently have been girls, and I'm always trying to simplify and stylize them like Shane Glines or any of the Playboy illustrators that I grew up with. The book seemed like the perfect reference material for me, so I drove up to get it on my lunchbreak yesterday. The mall was so far away, though, that it took almost 2 hours to get there and back. Walking back into the office I felt lame. I felt like I'd let my desire get in the way of more important responsibilities. I should have gone after work. All the same, my boss didn't say anything to me about it. I don't think he even noticed how long I was gone.
By Sunday night, my wife was in the infertile phase of her cycle so we were free to have sex once her family went home. When we got in bed, she turned out the light and then she pulled me on top of her. I thought about how don't like having sex in the dark and how I prefer at least a little foreplay. But then I thought, "Who cares? We're having sex!" I put it out of my head and focussed on enjoying myself.
Usually when we're having sex I like focussing on her pleasure and making her cum, but I know it's easier for both of us to think about someone else when the lights are out. She knows I don't like it and that I feel more connected with her when we can look one another in the eyes. So I fucked her good and hard, and we came together like we typically do. Afterward she said she would probably be sore the next day and I said, "Sorry, was that too hard?"
I still haven't had much of a chance to open those big movie clips I downloaded with my porn site subscription, so I watched some when I got home from work yesterday. I had about twenty minutes to myself before she got home, and I was kind of glad I didn't waste too much time with them. I wish I didn't want or need porn at all, but if I do, I don't want it to be a big part of my life.
First, she's gotten a new job where she'll be making a lot more money. She'll have a company car, gas paid for by the company, a new laptop and a new cell phone. She won't have to go into an office, and she'll have greater freedom to manage her own time, so I expect she'll be happier overall. She even won a contest at her current company that will give us a free stay at the most expensive hotel in town. The contest involved giving a short presentation about the company's products and she did it better than any of the other sales reps in the region.
There was a time when I honestly felt like she was getting to be more trouble than she was worth. She seemed down and out, and was devoting all of her time and attention to adoring some crappy band and their website message boards. She was putting no effort into our sex life and always seemed to prioritize other interests over our relationship. All throughout her life she's been an overachiever, but it was clear that the job she had was making her feel unsuccessful and seriously damaging her self-esteem. But she's turned everything around now, and I realize that I'm with someone very special.
But I've still been struggling to deal with my sex drive. Where on Thursday night I felt indignant when she apathetically rolled onto her belly to let me get off, I was so hungry for sex on Saturday morning that I couldn't take it anymore. Try as I might, I couldn't get her aroused enough to give or receive oral sex, so when she lied on her stomach, I used her like a cheap sex toy. I took my time and rubbed my cock against her ass until I was good and satisfied. Where her disinterest in sex typically aggrivates me, it can also turn me on a good deal, too.
So her parents and brother visited our house this weekend. Her mom can be seriously obnoxious, and though I get along OK with all of them, I don't always enjoy having them around.My mother-in-law is constantly talking at full volume and blaming my father-in-law for every little thing. And my wife's family takes forever to go and do anything. Having them around meant I couldn't look at pornography on my computer, though, so it was good for me to be forced into a reprieve.
One of the places we went this weekend was a big outdoor mall. My brother-in-law and I went in the Barnes and Noble and I found a thick hardcover book of Playboy Magazine illustrations and cartoons in the discount section. I wanted to get it, but I didn't want my wife's family asking about it so I resolved to pick it up on Monday. My father has a subscription to Playboy Magazine when I was a kid, and he didn't hide them well at all, so I grew up admiring the artists who were featured in the magazine, among other things.
A lot of what I have been drawing recently have been girls, and I'm always trying to simplify and stylize them like Shane Glines or any of the Playboy illustrators that I grew up with. The book seemed like the perfect reference material for me, so I drove up to get it on my lunchbreak yesterday. The mall was so far away, though, that it took almost 2 hours to get there and back. Walking back into the office I felt lame. I felt like I'd let my desire get in the way of more important responsibilities. I should have gone after work. All the same, my boss didn't say anything to me about it. I don't think he even noticed how long I was gone.
By Sunday night, my wife was in the infertile phase of her cycle so we were free to have sex once her family went home. When we got in bed, she turned out the light and then she pulled me on top of her. I thought about how don't like having sex in the dark and how I prefer at least a little foreplay. But then I thought, "Who cares? We're having sex!" I put it out of my head and focussed on enjoying myself.
Usually when we're having sex I like focussing on her pleasure and making her cum, but I know it's easier for both of us to think about someone else when the lights are out. She knows I don't like it and that I feel more connected with her when we can look one another in the eyes. So I fucked her good and hard, and we came together like we typically do. Afterward she said she would probably be sore the next day and I said, "Sorry, was that too hard?"
I still haven't had much of a chance to open those big movie clips I downloaded with my porn site subscription, so I watched some when I got home from work yesterday. I had about twenty minutes to myself before she got home, and I was kind of glad I didn't waste too much time with them. I wish I didn't want or need porn at all, but if I do, I don't want it to be a big part of my life.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Lost Cause
This is always the part of her cycle that makes me crazy. She's in the fertile phase, so we can't have sex, and we just don't seem to connect on weekdays. Predictably, I woke up in the middle of the night on Wednesday night. I was hard as a rock and trying to wake her was pointless. Thursday morning I told her that I needed some lovin' and she said she did, too. The difference being that I meant what I said whereas she was just blowing smoke.
Every week or so I try to visit my brother's house to spend time with my two nephews. Typically my wife complains that I won't be home to make dinner for her. She's always invited to join me for the visit, but in that case she just complains about the food at my brother's house instead. Sometimes I leave my brother's house before they have dinner and my wife seems to appreciate that. I was going to visit my nephews last night so I told my wife that I would be home for dinner at our house. She said she had a big lunch and it was okay with her if I wanted to stay for dinner, so I did. Either she was trying to do something nice for me and let me hang out as long as I wanted, or she was looking forward to the time alone.
Once I got home, she was playing on the Wii like I expected she had been most of the evening. I brought home a second controller and new games, but she kept at what she was playing. I did some laundry and then started downloading the rest of the movies from the porn site to which I had subscribed. It was a conscious response to her lack of attention.
When we went to bed she massaged my neck a bit since I told her it had been bothering me all day. I'd thought it was from playing tennis on the Wii, but I realized that she'd slipped her arm under my pillow the night before and I slept with it there for most of the night. It was uncomfortable at the time, but I didn't realize it would make my neck hurt all day yesterday.
Yet again I woke up hard last night and tried to stir her to fool around. I ran my hands across her body, and pressed myself against her. I could tell she wasn't interested. And it's not as though I wasn't planning on giving her an orgasm first anyway. I turned away from her. She hates it when I turn my back to her in bed. She told me that she was sorry and that she'd just woken up from a bad dream. Was I supposed to feel guilty? I joked, "Nothing will make you feel better like a big donut." You know, donuts are shaped like an O and orgasm starts with O. She still wasn't going for it.
Then she laid flat on her belly. I didn't know this was for my sake. When I didn't climb on her to thrust my cock against her ass she said in a frsutrated tone, "Well if you're going to do it, just do it." Oh, the passion! Forget that. I've had sex with Ziploc bags, but even I don't want a mercy lay of that magnitude, let alone one without penetration. I said, "That's not exactly the level of participation I was hoping for," and we both went back to sleep.
And I proceeded to watch one of the pornographic videos I downloaded in the morning while she was still asleep. That is exactly the kind of situation where I think pornography is doing me a great service, because if I didn't get off this morning I would still be angry with her right now. Thanks to pornography, I'm just bitter instead.
It absolutely takes two to have a good sex life, I know that, but I also know I'm not the one who says one thing and then does another. And comparing male and female sexuality may be like comparing apples to a Rube Goldberg contraptions, but if she came on to me now I would stop what the fuck I was doing and, I don't know, make her feel more important unconsciousness.
She is a lost cause and I can't let it go.
I think I have yet to bitch about how often we see her freaking family, but we do, and they are plenty annoying. Her Mom is overweight and brash, with a twist of psycho. Her Dad, by contrast, is really laid back. So much so that it takes him forever to complete the simplest of tasks. He boondoggles like no one has boondoggled before. And her Mom constantly hen pecks and argues with everyone except me. I want to love them, I really do, but I always end up loving the silence I hear after they leave more. And since it has been a mere 4 weeks since we saw them last, they're coming to visit this weekend. So any hope of relaxing and enjoying the weekend has been safely dashed.
Every week or so I try to visit my brother's house to spend time with my two nephews. Typically my wife complains that I won't be home to make dinner for her. She's always invited to join me for the visit, but in that case she just complains about the food at my brother's house instead. Sometimes I leave my brother's house before they have dinner and my wife seems to appreciate that. I was going to visit my nephews last night so I told my wife that I would be home for dinner at our house. She said she had a big lunch and it was okay with her if I wanted to stay for dinner, so I did. Either she was trying to do something nice for me and let me hang out as long as I wanted, or she was looking forward to the time alone.
Once I got home, she was playing on the Wii like I expected she had been most of the evening. I brought home a second controller and new games, but she kept at what she was playing. I did some laundry and then started downloading the rest of the movies from the porn site to which I had subscribed. It was a conscious response to her lack of attention.
When we went to bed she massaged my neck a bit since I told her it had been bothering me all day. I'd thought it was from playing tennis on the Wii, but I realized that she'd slipped her arm under my pillow the night before and I slept with it there for most of the night. It was uncomfortable at the time, but I didn't realize it would make my neck hurt all day yesterday.
Yet again I woke up hard last night and tried to stir her to fool around. I ran my hands across her body, and pressed myself against her. I could tell she wasn't interested. And it's not as though I wasn't planning on giving her an orgasm first anyway. I turned away from her. She hates it when I turn my back to her in bed. She told me that she was sorry and that she'd just woken up from a bad dream. Was I supposed to feel guilty? I joked, "Nothing will make you feel better like a big donut." You know, donuts are shaped like an O and orgasm starts with O. She still wasn't going for it.
Then she laid flat on her belly. I didn't know this was for my sake. When I didn't climb on her to thrust my cock against her ass she said in a frsutrated tone, "Well if you're going to do it, just do it." Oh, the passion! Forget that. I've had sex with Ziploc bags, but even I don't want a mercy lay of that magnitude, let alone one without penetration. I said, "That's not exactly the level of participation I was hoping for," and we both went back to sleep.
And I proceeded to watch one of the pornographic videos I downloaded in the morning while she was still asleep. That is exactly the kind of situation where I think pornography is doing me a great service, because if I didn't get off this morning I would still be angry with her right now. Thanks to pornography, I'm just bitter instead.
It absolutely takes two to have a good sex life, I know that, but I also know I'm not the one who says one thing and then does another. And comparing male and female sexuality may be like comparing apples to a Rube Goldberg contraptions, but if she came on to me now I would stop what the fuck I was doing and, I don't know, make her feel more important unconsciousness.
She is a lost cause and I can't let it go.
I think I have yet to bitch about how often we see her freaking family, but we do, and they are plenty annoying. Her Mom is overweight and brash, with a twist of psycho. Her Dad, by contrast, is really laid back. So much so that it takes him forever to complete the simplest of tasks. He boondoggles like no one has boondoggled before. And her Mom constantly hen pecks and argues with everyone except me. I want to love them, I really do, but I always end up loving the silence I hear after they leave more. And since it has been a mere 4 weeks since we saw them last, they're coming to visit this weekend. So any hope of relaxing and enjoying the weekend has been safely dashed.
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