This blog is over and done with. It has been useful. It helped me see the way sexual intimacy can ebb and flow in a marriage. I guess I was always secretly hoping that I would discover some new perspective or find the right attitude to make my situation easier. That, of course, in lieu of identifying some experimental drug or hairstyle or spot on my wife's body that would instantly turn her into a carefree nymphomaniac.
But it is as good as it gets now, and I don't say that with any downtrodden tone. It's actually pretty decent. Because recently, for the past few weeks I would say, we've been in love. We haven't been arguing or at each other's throats. I feel like we accept one another's differences and even appreciate them. We went on a vacation up in the mountains of North Carolina and got along like we were made for each other. And I know it will change sometime. One of us will say or do something and it will turn sour again. That's just the way it goes.
I still want the things that I want (ie: random spontaneous blowjobs) but those are probably unrealistic expectations, and holding on to them would just be a recipe for resentment. The gist of everything I wrote here seemed to be that I wanted my wife to make more of an effort and pay me more sexual attention. But I have to acknowledge that I don't do everything I could or should either. There are a lot of things I need to work on all on my own. The endless pursuit of hedonistic bliss is empty. It won't make our marriage stronger or make me a better person. So, the end.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Virtually Deviant
My workplace is now able to track the websites we visit, so I'm not able to make new posts as often anymore. So it's been two months. What has happened? Sexually, not much. We use Natural Family Planning to track when my wife is fertile and infertile. Our sexual activity during her two cycles in May and June was almost identical. With each cycle, we had sex just three times while she was infertile and oral sex twice while she was. Her most recent cycle wasn't easy to read, so we ended up having sex only once.
The irony is that her big case for us to use NFP originally, apart from her being Catholic and knowing that condoms make Jesus cry, was so she wouldn't have to be putting drugs in her body all of the time. And I can understand that. I hardly ever take medicine. I find that ailments tend to go away on their own, given time. Well I would bet half of the reason her cycle was so screwed up was because of the other nonbirth control drugs that she does take. She always seems to be struggling with one health issue after another. She takes drugs for migraines, drugs for acne, drugs for recurring sinus infections. Meanwhile I just eat and poop. Breathe in and breathe out. And my penis is always loaded and ready to fire.
So this is how it is and how it will be. My sex drive will always be stronger than my wife's. The greatest amount of sexual attention she can give me will never be enough. I will always look forward to moments of privacy for the sake of looking at pornography. I will experience times when I feel very close to my wife, and feel all of the love I think I should. Other times I'll suspect deep down that there is someone better for me out there. Like a blonde atheist nymphomaniac.
You know what turns me on? Sexual deviance. I don't mean infidelity or weird sex. Just that sense that someone would not approve of the sex you are having. See, the sex I have with my wife is predominantly at home in bed, and where any sex is good sex, my fondest memories are of fucking in places you shouldn't get caught fucking. My wife doesn't star in most of those memories. Once she and I fucked in a county park and that was nice.
She doesn't really share my need for sexual adventure. I think in her mind she's very sexual. But the last time I got her to wear lingerie for me, she just shook her head as she put it on, like she didn't understand the attraction. She thinks road head is too dangerous. At the thought of having sex in the ocean, she says "ew." My need still persists, however, and often I think I'm on a very gradual path toward greater sexual deviance.
Where up until recently the most deviant thing I ever tried online was voice chatting with virtual hookers on SecondLife, a few weeks ago I played on a webcam with one. I had been thinking about it for a long time. There is one chick who just looks amazing. She wasn't available when I had the time, but I had fun with someone just as good. It only costed about $15 for 10 minutes, and I paid for it with money I got from selling virtual clothes. Now that I've tried this, I wonder what I'll try next.
The irony is that her big case for us to use NFP originally, apart from her being Catholic and knowing that condoms make Jesus cry, was so she wouldn't have to be putting drugs in her body all of the time. And I can understand that. I hardly ever take medicine. I find that ailments tend to go away on their own, given time. Well I would bet half of the reason her cycle was so screwed up was because of the other nonbirth control drugs that she does take. She always seems to be struggling with one health issue after another. She takes drugs for migraines, drugs for acne, drugs for recurring sinus infections. Meanwhile I just eat and poop. Breathe in and breathe out. And my penis is always loaded and ready to fire.
So this is how it is and how it will be. My sex drive will always be stronger than my wife's. The greatest amount of sexual attention she can give me will never be enough. I will always look forward to moments of privacy for the sake of looking at pornography. I will experience times when I feel very close to my wife, and feel all of the love I think I should. Other times I'll suspect deep down that there is someone better for me out there. Like a blonde atheist nymphomaniac.
You know what turns me on? Sexual deviance. I don't mean infidelity or weird sex. Just that sense that someone would not approve of the sex you are having. See, the sex I have with my wife is predominantly at home in bed, and where any sex is good sex, my fondest memories are of fucking in places you shouldn't get caught fucking. My wife doesn't star in most of those memories. Once she and I fucked in a county park and that was nice.
She doesn't really share my need for sexual adventure. I think in her mind she's very sexual. But the last time I got her to wear lingerie for me, she just shook her head as she put it on, like she didn't understand the attraction. She thinks road head is too dangerous. At the thought of having sex in the ocean, she says "ew." My need still persists, however, and often I think I'm on a very gradual path toward greater sexual deviance.
Where up until recently the most deviant thing I ever tried online was voice chatting with virtual hookers on SecondLife, a few weeks ago I played on a webcam with one. I had been thinking about it for a long time. There is one chick who just looks amazing. She wasn't available when I had the time, but I had fun with someone just as good. It only costed about $15 for 10 minutes, and I paid for it with money I got from selling virtual clothes. Now that I've tried this, I wonder what I'll try next.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Massage?
Yesterday was a good. It was nice having the day off from work. I slept in, but didn't waste much time after I woke up. I cleaned up around the house, did all of the laundry I had piling up. My wife was coming home from her business trip today, so I wanted the place to look decent. It was our anniversary, but since she wouldn't be getting in until late we decided we'd celebrate the day after. She originally said that her flight would be getting in at around 8pm, but her last meeting ended early so she was going to arrive at around 6pm instead. I hadn't gotten her any presents yet, so I headed out to shop.
The first thing I wanted to get was a white bird of paradise plant. She's wanted one for a long time. Luckily the first nursery I stopped at had one. They were all the same price regardless of size, so I got the biggest one there. It barely fit in the car. I had planned to stay out shopping and then go straight to the airport, but having that huge thing in the car would make it all too apparent that I did all of my shopping at the last minute, so I drove it home. That ate up a half hour.
Next, she had specifically asked for a cool shirt from one of the clothing boutiques in St. Augustine. Earlier in the week, I had checked at two of the shops she likes and they didn't have anything. I remembered another place she's bought clothes from and went there. The two hippie girls minding the store flirted with me and I felt cool. I found a shirt that I liked, so I got it. The girls told me about another store I could try, so I went over there and the selection really sucked.
I decided to go to the Avenues Mall next since it's on the way to the airport. Near there is a Best Buy where I figured I could find her a CD and one of the Doctor Who seasons on DVD. All they had was the most recent season that she just watched and it was $83 freakin' dollars. What the hell? There isn't a single special effect on that show worth $83 freakin' dollars. I did find a CD, but I only had three things to give her. I wanted to find at least one other gift.
I hadn't planned on going into the mall, but she also had some perfume on her wishlist. Maybe I could get it from a perfume counter. I had about 30 minutes left before I needed to get to the airport. I stopped in Dillards and learned that the perfume she wanted is not sold anymore. Good to know. I knew she'd be happy with 3 gifts, but I still felt screwed. I went into the mall to look for a Suncoast video, maybe they'd have more Doctor Who DVDs. I didn't see any video stores on the directory, though. Damn it.
I still had time to kill so I walked around. There was some store called Fye that had a lot of DVDs. What a relief! I headed over to the "D" section and all they had was the same one as Best Buy. For $90 dollars! Fuck that! I'll get an earlier season online. Then I went in Hot Topic to look for a cool shirt. Success! They had a white Bowie shirt. But not in her size. So unfair.
On my way out I stopped at a little perfume cart. It was staffed by a bunch of shady Slavs, so I thought they might have some blackmarket items. Sure enough, they said they had it! I win! The girl looked and looked though her cabinet. She talked about it with one of the other dudes in their native tongue. She called someone on her cell phone. They didn't have it. They thought they did, but they didn't. So cruel.
It was time to head to the airport. I got there right on time. I was glad to see her. We came straight home without much traffic. She told me about her trip. I told her about some things I had taken care of before I left the house, like calling our home insurance company and getting our premium reduced, and booking a flight for our vacation in November. She said, "Wow, you've been busy." Not quite, but she doesn't need to know I took the day off from work and crammed it all into one day. I still felt proud of what I accomplished.
At home, we exchanged presents. We didn't bother wrapping them. I had three things for her and she had two for me. Then I washed our sheets, made us some dinner, hung up some laundry. While I hadn't been good about communicating my feelings before she left, I decided that I wouldn't talk about sex unless she brought it up. I think she's in the infertile phase of her cycle, so it's likely that we'll have sex soon. I don't need to press the issue.
We were sitting on the couch watching TV in our pajamas and she got up, sat down on the floor in front of me and unzipped her top. She wasn't facing me though. She wanted me to massage her neck and shoulders. So I did. I ran my fingers through her hair and she asked, "Massage?"
I replied, "Yes, please." I wanted a massage, too.
She meant that she wanted me to massage her head, not just run my fingers through her hair. I laughed. When I was done, she thanked me, but didn't offer me one. I wasn't really angry or disappointed. I did miss her and was glad to have her home. I just thought to myself, It must be nice to have someone so attentive to your needs. I made the bed and we went to sleep. I took care not to spoon with her during the night so I wouldn't get aroused. I want her, but for the moment, I can be patient.
The first thing I wanted to get was a white bird of paradise plant. She's wanted one for a long time. Luckily the first nursery I stopped at had one. They were all the same price regardless of size, so I got the biggest one there. It barely fit in the car. I had planned to stay out shopping and then go straight to the airport, but having that huge thing in the car would make it all too apparent that I did all of my shopping at the last minute, so I drove it home. That ate up a half hour.
Next, she had specifically asked for a cool shirt from one of the clothing boutiques in St. Augustine. Earlier in the week, I had checked at two of the shops she likes and they didn't have anything. I remembered another place she's bought clothes from and went there. The two hippie girls minding the store flirted with me and I felt cool. I found a shirt that I liked, so I got it. The girls told me about another store I could try, so I went over there and the selection really sucked.
I decided to go to the Avenues Mall next since it's on the way to the airport. Near there is a Best Buy where I figured I could find her a CD and one of the Doctor Who seasons on DVD. All they had was the most recent season that she just watched and it was $83 freakin' dollars. What the hell? There isn't a single special effect on that show worth $83 freakin' dollars. I did find a CD, but I only had three things to give her. I wanted to find at least one other gift.
I hadn't planned on going into the mall, but she also had some perfume on her wishlist. Maybe I could get it from a perfume counter. I had about 30 minutes left before I needed to get to the airport. I stopped in Dillards and learned that the perfume she wanted is not sold anymore. Good to know. I knew she'd be happy with 3 gifts, but I still felt screwed. I went into the mall to look for a Suncoast video, maybe they'd have more Doctor Who DVDs. I didn't see any video stores on the directory, though. Damn it.
I still had time to kill so I walked around. There was some store called Fye that had a lot of DVDs. What a relief! I headed over to the "D" section and all they had was the same one as Best Buy. For $90 dollars! Fuck that! I'll get an earlier season online. Then I went in Hot Topic to look for a cool shirt. Success! They had a white Bowie shirt. But not in her size. So unfair.
On my way out I stopped at a little perfume cart. It was staffed by a bunch of shady Slavs, so I thought they might have some blackmarket items. Sure enough, they said they had it! I win! The girl looked and looked though her cabinet. She talked about it with one of the other dudes in their native tongue. She called someone on her cell phone. They didn't have it. They thought they did, but they didn't. So cruel.
It was time to head to the airport. I got there right on time. I was glad to see her. We came straight home without much traffic. She told me about her trip. I told her about some things I had taken care of before I left the house, like calling our home insurance company and getting our premium reduced, and booking a flight for our vacation in November. She said, "Wow, you've been busy." Not quite, but she doesn't need to know I took the day off from work and crammed it all into one day. I still felt proud of what I accomplished.
At home, we exchanged presents. We didn't bother wrapping them. I had three things for her and she had two for me. Then I washed our sheets, made us some dinner, hung up some laundry. While I hadn't been good about communicating my feelings before she left, I decided that I wouldn't talk about sex unless she brought it up. I think she's in the infertile phase of her cycle, so it's likely that we'll have sex soon. I don't need to press the issue.
We were sitting on the couch watching TV in our pajamas and she got up, sat down on the floor in front of me and unzipped her top. She wasn't facing me though. She wanted me to massage her neck and shoulders. So I did. I ran my fingers through her hair and she asked, "Massage?"
I replied, "Yes, please." I wanted a massage, too.
She meant that she wanted me to massage her head, not just run my fingers through her hair. I laughed. When I was done, she thanked me, but didn't offer me one. I wasn't really angry or disappointed. I did miss her and was glad to have her home. I just thought to myself, It must be nice to have someone so attentive to your needs. I made the bed and we went to sleep. I took care not to spoon with her during the night so I wouldn't get aroused. I want her, but for the moment, I can be patient.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Best Wishes
I made all of the preparations, but I'm not going to do it. I went to the grocery store earlier in the week and got cash back with my purchase so I would have dollar bills. I took tomorrow off from work incase I would be out late tonight. I got the directions and found out all that I could about the place, but I'm not going to a strip club tonight.
I've already spent the last three afternoons indulging in so much porn, I feel a little low. Only because there are more useful things I could have done with my free time. I've already wasted a lot of time on adult entertainment, I don't need to start wasting money, too. What I really want is sex with a beautiful girl, and everything else that is bought and sold just pales in comparison.
My moods change like tropical weather I know, but tonight I don't want to be patronized by a half-naked girl who's only friendly with me for my money. That's for the really pathetic guys who have never had sex with a beautiful woman. I would like to have the experience of going to a strip joint before I die, but not under these circumstances. Not while I have no buddies who will go with me. I wouldn't want my wife to be deceitful while we're apart, so I shouldn't be either.
I wish for so many things. I wish my sexual desire weren't so strong, or so disproportionate to that of my wife. I wish she recognized it, understood it, and always wanted to satisfy it. I wish she would condition me like a docile animal and fuck me for good behavior, rather than leaving me lost in the maze. I do poorly and get nothing, I do well and get nothing. I do exceptionally well and still get nothing. Then I get a reward not knowing how or why.
I wish my sex life didn't account for such a large portion of my happiness. I wish she truly found me irresistable like I find her. I wish she took the same pleasure in making me happy. If I asked her, she would say that she does. But that's not always my experience.
I wish my moods were more consistent. I wish my resolve would stick, when I resolve not to feel sorry for myself anymore, or when I resolve not to let our sexual differences constantly bother me. I wish I focussed all of my energy on creative work. I wish it felt easy to be open with my wife. I wish she wanted me to be. She would say that she does, but she doesn't ask me to be.
I've already spent the last three afternoons indulging in so much porn, I feel a little low. Only because there are more useful things I could have done with my free time. I've already wasted a lot of time on adult entertainment, I don't need to start wasting money, too. What I really want is sex with a beautiful girl, and everything else that is bought and sold just pales in comparison.
My moods change like tropical weather I know, but tonight I don't want to be patronized by a half-naked girl who's only friendly with me for my money. That's for the really pathetic guys who have never had sex with a beautiful woman. I would like to have the experience of going to a strip joint before I die, but not under these circumstances. Not while I have no buddies who will go with me. I wouldn't want my wife to be deceitful while we're apart, so I shouldn't be either.
I wish for so many things. I wish my sexual desire weren't so strong, or so disproportionate to that of my wife. I wish she recognized it, understood it, and always wanted to satisfy it. I wish she would condition me like a docile animal and fuck me for good behavior, rather than leaving me lost in the maze. I do poorly and get nothing, I do well and get nothing. I do exceptionally well and still get nothing. Then I get a reward not knowing how or why.
I wish my sex life didn't account for such a large portion of my happiness. I wish she truly found me irresistable like I find her. I wish she took the same pleasure in making me happy. If I asked her, she would say that she does. But that's not always my experience.
I wish my moods were more consistent. I wish my resolve would stick, when I resolve not to feel sorry for myself anymore, or when I resolve not to let our sexual differences constantly bother me. I wish I focussed all of my energy on creative work. I wish it felt easy to be open with my wife. I wish she wanted me to be. She would say that she does, but she doesn't ask me to be.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Home Alone
I left work early to drive my wife to the airport. It was in the middle of rush hour so between the drive home from work, to the airport and then back home again, I was on the road for three and half hours. The stop and go traffic was driving me mad. Once I got home, I looked ravenously at porn on the Internet. Over the years I've saved plenty of porn and accumulated a small stash of DVDs, but it's never quite as interesting as new porn. A good part of the excitement is the hunt. I looked at photos and videos for hours. I couldn't get enough. I was so ready to pay for a ten minute live webcam personal strip show. I could pay for it through SecondLife so my wife would never know. The girl never came online, though. I was so disappointed. She looked so hot, I doubt she really does webcam shows. It may just be a scheme.
All frustrations aside, I already miss my wife's companionship. I just miss the sense of her presence in the house. Most of what she talks about is so uninteresting to me. She tells me all about people I've never met, about bands and musicians she knows I don't like, about the pharmaceuticals she sells and the doctors with whom she meets for her job. Sometimes I am glad to have her talk to me because I don't have anything to say. Most of the time I wish she would only tell me entertaining things and things I need to know. I usually wish I had more to tell her, but my life is very uninteresting and I don't do much to change that. Having her in the house means there will be things for me to do, though, so I'm not missing that. I had beer for dinner last night and coffee for breakfast, because no one needs me to make meals. I don't treat myself well without a partner around, but I seriously enjoy the freedom.
All frustrations aside, I already miss my wife's companionship. I just miss the sense of her presence in the house. Most of what she talks about is so uninteresting to me. She tells me all about people I've never met, about bands and musicians she knows I don't like, about the pharmaceuticals she sells and the doctors with whom she meets for her job. Sometimes I am glad to have her talk to me because I don't have anything to say. Most of the time I wish she would only tell me entertaining things and things I need to know. I usually wish I had more to tell her, but my life is very uninteresting and I don't do much to change that. Having her in the house means there will be things for me to do, though, so I'm not missing that. I had beer for dinner last night and coffee for breakfast, because no one needs me to make meals. I don't treat myself well without a partner around, but I seriously enjoy the freedom.
Monday, April 28, 2008
So Bad
I'm going to be so bad. I'm driving my wife to the airport today and once she's gone, I'm going to be bad. She has a three day business meeting in Key Largo and I can't wait to be alone. We haven't fooled around in so long. Last weekend her parents visited. I doubted that we'd have any fun with them keeping us busy and, as expected, we didn't. I was hopeful during the week, though, but still nothing happened. I tried to get her turned on one night and she just wouldn't have it. But on Saturday morning, she told me that she had wanted to have sex all week, she was just too tired. I said, "You should tell me that during the week so I don't get so frustrated." She acted surprised. Apparently she didn't know I was frustrated. She told me that I can control how I feel. I said, "Yeah, I can, but I think that the reason why I feel frustrated is legitimate." If all it takes to be happy is to will yourself to feel delighted despite the circumstances, why bother fucking? Why bother having a relationship? Just pretend you're living the life you always dreamed of.
I admit, I haven't been communicating how I feel. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I shouldn't fucking have to. I should not have to constantly remind my wife to stop thinking about herself, her life and her problems for long enough to consider how I might be feeling. I always know where she is. I know when she's hungry and when she's tired. When she wants to be left alone. She doesn't have to tell me. That's my fucking job as her husband, to be attentive. It really doesn't take much effort.
For fuck's sake, she doesn't even have to be around me to understand where I'm at. It's pretty simple. If I haven't just finished having sex with her, I would like to have sex with her. If I haven't had sex with her in several days, I'm starting to get frustrated, and I don't care about what she's saying. I wonder if it's something I said or did and if she's punishing me. If I haven't had sex with her in a fairly long time, I'm starting to question the purpose of being in a relationship. I feel stupid for caring about the things that are important to her, and I wonder if I wouldn't be happier if she wasn't around.
It's not meant to sound cruel or uncaring, it's just the honest truth. Sex is important to me. I look forward to it. It's rewarding. It makes life worth living. It validates the things that I do to try and be a good husband. When my wife doesn't show interest in having sex with me, it feels like she's telling me I'm not good enough. I'm not worth the little bit of effort. I'm not desirable. And it makes me indignant because I believe I am a good husband. I believe I am attractive and she's just taking me for granted.
So I think I'm ready to go to a strip club. I've never been to one. While my wife is away this week, I think I might just go.
I admit, I haven't been communicating how I feel. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I shouldn't fucking have to. I should not have to constantly remind my wife to stop thinking about herself, her life and her problems for long enough to consider how I might be feeling. I always know where she is. I know when she's hungry and when she's tired. When she wants to be left alone. She doesn't have to tell me. That's my fucking job as her husband, to be attentive. It really doesn't take much effort.
For fuck's sake, she doesn't even have to be around me to understand where I'm at. It's pretty simple. If I haven't just finished having sex with her, I would like to have sex with her. If I haven't had sex with her in several days, I'm starting to get frustrated, and I don't care about what she's saying. I wonder if it's something I said or did and if she's punishing me. If I haven't had sex with her in a fairly long time, I'm starting to question the purpose of being in a relationship. I feel stupid for caring about the things that are important to her, and I wonder if I wouldn't be happier if she wasn't around.
It's not meant to sound cruel or uncaring, it's just the honest truth. Sex is important to me. I look forward to it. It's rewarding. It makes life worth living. It validates the things that I do to try and be a good husband. When my wife doesn't show interest in having sex with me, it feels like she's telling me I'm not good enough. I'm not worth the little bit of effort. I'm not desirable. And it makes me indignant because I believe I am a good husband. I believe I am attractive and she's just taking me for granted.
So I think I'm ready to go to a strip club. I've never been to one. While my wife is away this week, I think I might just go.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Four Minutes
I'm so fucking aggrivated. Last week my wife took two days off from work to help a friend in Tallahassee with her wedding. My wife was her matron of honor. That's all well and good. I'm not aggrivated about that. I always look forward to the prospect of having some time to myself, but if I thought I was going to have any, I was deluding myself. Between my Dad's birthday, Easter, and this fucking wedding, I was booked.
So my wife left on Wednesday night. I went to work as usual on Thursday. My parents were going to come out to my house after work for an early dinner since my Mom had to go to a training class nearby. The class was cancelled, but I knew they were looking forward to visiting, so I invited them out anyway. My Dad was turning 70 years old on Friday so I shopped for birthday presents right after work on Thursday. I didn't have much time though, I needed to get home and meet them for dinner. I didn't find all of the presents I wanted to get, but I ran home and made my folks some hamburgers. They had a good time. Fortunately they left early enough for me to go out and find one last present. I would have birthday shopped sooner but it always seems to take a crowbar to get gift ideas out of my parents.
Friday was going to be a long day so I went to bed as soon as I got home. I didn't even look at any smut although it was a prime opportunity with the wife out of town. I had Friday off from work since it was Easter weekend. Even though we'd just had dinner together the night before, I had invited my parents out for breakfast. Because of the stupid wedding events, I was going to have to leave for Tallahassee in the afternoon, so I wouldn't be able to see my Dad on his birthday otherwise. So we had a nice breakfast at a local restaurant and my folks stuck around while I packed. Dad liked his presents and was appreciative of the time we got to spend together.
Before I left town I needed to get my coworker's paycheck to him. I don't know why he doesn't have direct deposit like everyone else in the world. But he's been out of work following a sports injury that led to his spleen being removed. When we got our paychecks on Thursday, I took his and called him and his wife to see if they wanted me to deliver it to them somewhere. No one had called me back by Friday, so I decided to just bring it to their house in St. Augustine. The house was empty, so I slid it under their door. By the time I got home, I was running short on time. I needed to get on the road by 12:30pm at the latest in order to make the 3 hour drive to Tallahassee, drop off our dogs at my in-laws' house, get changed into nicer clothes and then drive to the wedding rehearsal at 4pm. I left without a moment to spare and made it to the rehearsal before my wife and the bride arrived. I was proud of myself.
I really missed my wife and I was very happy to see her. I helped her with whatever I could, but spent most of the time sitting around feeling self-conscious. I'm generally a shy person and I tend to feel self-conscious around strangers. There were some other husbands in the same situation, though, so there were some people I could talk to. Next was the rehearsal dinner. There again, I was stuck sitting with a bunch of people I didn't know, while my wife sitting at the wedding party's table enjoying herself. Some enjoy meeting new people, but I really dread those kinds of social situations. I knew it was important to my wife, though, so I didn't complain and I just played the part. Three beers helped.
Afterward I went back to my in-laws' house while she went to stay in a nice hotel suite with the bride and bridesmaids. They had plans to have some kind of bachelorette party, but the Marriot fucked up their reservation and they ended up spending most of the night just trying find a place to stay. I would never wish any difficulty on my wife, but as a concerned husband, I was glad to hear there wasn't much of a party. It's really rare that my wife has too much to drink. The few times that she has, it's been with girlfriends. She and I have been married for almost 4 years now, together for 7, and I have yet to see her drunk. It makes me a little jealous. Sometimes the girl I know isn't that much fun.
After the rehearsal and dinner, six hours in all, I felt like I had celebrated my wife's friend's marriage enough. Yay, you're married, good for you. You know, I really don't like you that much. It might be more accurate to say that I tolerate you for my wife's sake. But the main fucking event was Saturday, another block of six hours to linger in one spot wearing uncomfortable clothes feeling self-conscious. Even though I got to spend a little more time with my wife, I still felt starved for her attention. As the matron of honor, she obviously had shit she needed to do, and I didn't want to be her shadow. But even when we were together, she wasn't looking at me very much. I would look at her and she wouldn't return a glance. It made me feel even more lost. So all I could do was look forward to the limo shuttling the bride and groom off and getting back to our normal life already.
When it was all over my wife drove me over to my car. Driving past the only white Corolla around she asked if it was my car. I joked that it was, you could tell from the layer of dirt on it. In an annoyed tone she remarked, "oh, would you get that headlight cover fixed and get that air filter so we can change the oil?" Her voice indicated that she felt I had taken much too long to complete those tasks. It was a simple remark, but it sounded like it shot out from a part of her that thinks I'm no good. Like it was just one of many things I haven't done right and never do right. And after pissing away what would have been some valuable free time and swallowing all of my insecurities for the last two days, I didn't need to be made to feel like a burden. I needed a gold star. A reward. Some freaking acknowledgement. I thought about what to say, and "fuck you" was all that came to mind, so I kept it to myself. I just got in my car and drove off.
We stayed at her parents' place that night. The weight of the remark lightened and my true feelings surfaced: I was excited to have her back. I playfully swiped her pillow when we were sitting on the couch that night and she had no good humor about it. She was genuinely angry with me. Fine. Treat me like I'm an asshole. Over the course of the weekend I'll only drive 6 hours to attend 3 wedding events for your stupid annoying friend, missing my Dad's 70th birthday party by the way, I'll go to Easter mass with you and your family on Sunday even though I'm a fucking atheist, I'll make nacho dip on Saturday night and then help prepare an Easter dinner on Sunday because your Mom is too lazy to cook, and I'll help your parents lay heavy patio stones in their back yard, but you're right, I am a gigantic asshole. I still missed you for some reason and I'm thinking that you're probably just worn out and need a good night's sleep. So go ahead and get some rest, I'll be awake with a rock hard erection most of the night because I haven't had an orgasm since last Wednesday, and now, to help take my mind off of that fact, I have a gorgeous naked girl sleeping quietly next to me. Sweet fucking dreams!
I spent Sunday thinking about fucking. I took the opportunity to shower in the morning with my wife. I knew nothing would happen. She wanted us to go to the early Easter mass at ten o'clock, so with only two hours to wash and dry her hair, put on her make up and clothes, then drive to the church that is 15 minutes away, we might just get there on time, if she rushed. I forget that the attention she devotes to her appearance is purely for her own vanity and has little to do with looking sexually attractive for me. I spent the hour at church looking at other girls' tits. My wife wore a dress and looked good, though. Even better in a tight pair of jeans and a gray shirt after the service. She layed flat on her belly on the living room floor to read the paper and I could have fucked her right there in front of her parents. I told her I was going to take a bite out of her when we got home. Her response didn't indicate any interest or disinterest.
Usually we don't leave her parents' house until late, but this time she insisted that we leave at 6:30pm so we wouldn't get home too late. After driving for a while I felt like we hadn't talked much since the wedding ended, so I called her cell phone. She said she was already talking to her girlfriend in Phoenix. Well that's good. I was beginning to think you were running out of ways to make me feel insignificant. I tossed the phone on the passenger seat. She talked to her friend for an hour before she called me back. I shouldn't have answered it, but like a dunce, I was still hoping for a piece of ass when we got home. I was short with her. She talked about flying out to Phoenix to visit the friend she was talking to, or having her come and visit us and have us pay for all of her food because she's been blowing all of her money on liquor and sushi, or hey, what about driving back to Tallahassee the weekend after next to spend more time with her friend that just got married? All great ideas, don't you think?
We got home and unpacked our cars. I made the bed for us, something I normally don't do, and I unloaded the dishwasher. She cleaned out the litter pan, one of her chores, and annoyed with me again, she asked if I cleaned the mat underneath the pan while she was away. I told her about all of the things I had to do on Thursday and Friday. How I fed her fish and refilled their tank even though she didn't ask me to, how I did the dishes before I left, and returned the movies we had rented. She seemed to understand. I tried to entice her to come to bed sooner than later by offering a massage. She was annoyed with me yet again because I had accidentally reset our alarm clock while she was away. I earnestly told her that I tried to be careful with it but I made a mistake. She finally lied down naked. I rubbed her shoulders and back for a while. It was just a cheap ploy to get my hands on her bare ass. I did her legs and feet, too, but the more I looked at her naked ass the more I wanted it. I kissed her neck and she said she immediately said that she needed to go to bed. I said I needed something else. I don't know if I ever felt so full of lust. My heart was pounding. I needed her so badly. She said she was really tired. I begged her, saying it wouldn't take long. She looked desperate and sad. She would have let me do it, though. I said, "God, why do you look so sad? We don't have to if you don't want to."
I don't understand. I really try hard to please her. Doesn't that come through? What did I do to make the thought of sex with me so horrible? I got under the covers. She snuggled up to me. I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed awake for hours thinking one bitter thought after another. I considered getting out of bed and looking at pornography, but why should I have to? I have a healthy desire for my spouse. How is it selfish of me, after four days apart, to wish that she longed for me, too? Even if she felt no desire for sex, would it really be so burdensome to act interested for me? I acted interested all fucking weekend! Does she take no pleasure in pleasing me? How is it fair that her friend gets her waiting on her every request for four fucking days and I can't have four minutes?
So my wife left on Wednesday night. I went to work as usual on Thursday. My parents were going to come out to my house after work for an early dinner since my Mom had to go to a training class nearby. The class was cancelled, but I knew they were looking forward to visiting, so I invited them out anyway. My Dad was turning 70 years old on Friday so I shopped for birthday presents right after work on Thursday. I didn't have much time though, I needed to get home and meet them for dinner. I didn't find all of the presents I wanted to get, but I ran home and made my folks some hamburgers. They had a good time. Fortunately they left early enough for me to go out and find one last present. I would have birthday shopped sooner but it always seems to take a crowbar to get gift ideas out of my parents.
Friday was going to be a long day so I went to bed as soon as I got home. I didn't even look at any smut although it was a prime opportunity with the wife out of town. I had Friday off from work since it was Easter weekend. Even though we'd just had dinner together the night before, I had invited my parents out for breakfast. Because of the stupid wedding events, I was going to have to leave for Tallahassee in the afternoon, so I wouldn't be able to see my Dad on his birthday otherwise. So we had a nice breakfast at a local restaurant and my folks stuck around while I packed. Dad liked his presents and was appreciative of the time we got to spend together.
Before I left town I needed to get my coworker's paycheck to him. I don't know why he doesn't have direct deposit like everyone else in the world. But he's been out of work following a sports injury that led to his spleen being removed. When we got our paychecks on Thursday, I took his and called him and his wife to see if they wanted me to deliver it to them somewhere. No one had called me back by Friday, so I decided to just bring it to their house in St. Augustine. The house was empty, so I slid it under their door. By the time I got home, I was running short on time. I needed to get on the road by 12:30pm at the latest in order to make the 3 hour drive to Tallahassee, drop off our dogs at my in-laws' house, get changed into nicer clothes and then drive to the wedding rehearsal at 4pm. I left without a moment to spare and made it to the rehearsal before my wife and the bride arrived. I was proud of myself.
I really missed my wife and I was very happy to see her. I helped her with whatever I could, but spent most of the time sitting around feeling self-conscious. I'm generally a shy person and I tend to feel self-conscious around strangers. There were some other husbands in the same situation, though, so there were some people I could talk to. Next was the rehearsal dinner. There again, I was stuck sitting with a bunch of people I didn't know, while my wife sitting at the wedding party's table enjoying herself. Some enjoy meeting new people, but I really dread those kinds of social situations. I knew it was important to my wife, though, so I didn't complain and I just played the part. Three beers helped.
Afterward I went back to my in-laws' house while she went to stay in a nice hotel suite with the bride and bridesmaids. They had plans to have some kind of bachelorette party, but the Marriot fucked up their reservation and they ended up spending most of the night just trying find a place to stay. I would never wish any difficulty on my wife, but as a concerned husband, I was glad to hear there wasn't much of a party. It's really rare that my wife has too much to drink. The few times that she has, it's been with girlfriends. She and I have been married for almost 4 years now, together for 7, and I have yet to see her drunk. It makes me a little jealous. Sometimes the girl I know isn't that much fun.
After the rehearsal and dinner, six hours in all, I felt like I had celebrated my wife's friend's marriage enough. Yay, you're married, good for you. You know, I really don't like you that much. It might be more accurate to say that I tolerate you for my wife's sake. But the main fucking event was Saturday, another block of six hours to linger in one spot wearing uncomfortable clothes feeling self-conscious. Even though I got to spend a little more time with my wife, I still felt starved for her attention. As the matron of honor, she obviously had shit she needed to do, and I didn't want to be her shadow. But even when we were together, she wasn't looking at me very much. I would look at her and she wouldn't return a glance. It made me feel even more lost. So all I could do was look forward to the limo shuttling the bride and groom off and getting back to our normal life already.
When it was all over my wife drove me over to my car. Driving past the only white Corolla around she asked if it was my car. I joked that it was, you could tell from the layer of dirt on it. In an annoyed tone she remarked, "oh, would you get that headlight cover fixed and get that air filter so we can change the oil?" Her voice indicated that she felt I had taken much too long to complete those tasks. It was a simple remark, but it sounded like it shot out from a part of her that thinks I'm no good. Like it was just one of many things I haven't done right and never do right. And after pissing away what would have been some valuable free time and swallowing all of my insecurities for the last two days, I didn't need to be made to feel like a burden. I needed a gold star. A reward. Some freaking acknowledgement. I thought about what to say, and "fuck you" was all that came to mind, so I kept it to myself. I just got in my car and drove off.
We stayed at her parents' place that night. The weight of the remark lightened and my true feelings surfaced: I was excited to have her back. I playfully swiped her pillow when we were sitting on the couch that night and she had no good humor about it. She was genuinely angry with me. Fine. Treat me like I'm an asshole. Over the course of the weekend I'll only drive 6 hours to attend 3 wedding events for your stupid annoying friend, missing my Dad's 70th birthday party by the way, I'll go to Easter mass with you and your family on Sunday even though I'm a fucking atheist, I'll make nacho dip on Saturday night and then help prepare an Easter dinner on Sunday because your Mom is too lazy to cook, and I'll help your parents lay heavy patio stones in their back yard, but you're right, I am a gigantic asshole. I still missed you for some reason and I'm thinking that you're probably just worn out and need a good night's sleep. So go ahead and get some rest, I'll be awake with a rock hard erection most of the night because I haven't had an orgasm since last Wednesday, and now, to help take my mind off of that fact, I have a gorgeous naked girl sleeping quietly next to me. Sweet fucking dreams!
I spent Sunday thinking about fucking. I took the opportunity to shower in the morning with my wife. I knew nothing would happen. She wanted us to go to the early Easter mass at ten o'clock, so with only two hours to wash and dry her hair, put on her make up and clothes, then drive to the church that is 15 minutes away, we might just get there on time, if she rushed. I forget that the attention she devotes to her appearance is purely for her own vanity and has little to do with looking sexually attractive for me. I spent the hour at church looking at other girls' tits. My wife wore a dress and looked good, though. Even better in a tight pair of jeans and a gray shirt after the service. She layed flat on her belly on the living room floor to read the paper and I could have fucked her right there in front of her parents. I told her I was going to take a bite out of her when we got home. Her response didn't indicate any interest or disinterest.
Usually we don't leave her parents' house until late, but this time she insisted that we leave at 6:30pm so we wouldn't get home too late. After driving for a while I felt like we hadn't talked much since the wedding ended, so I called her cell phone. She said she was already talking to her girlfriend in Phoenix. Well that's good. I was beginning to think you were running out of ways to make me feel insignificant. I tossed the phone on the passenger seat. She talked to her friend for an hour before she called me back. I shouldn't have answered it, but like a dunce, I was still hoping for a piece of ass when we got home. I was short with her. She talked about flying out to Phoenix to visit the friend she was talking to, or having her come and visit us and have us pay for all of her food because she's been blowing all of her money on liquor and sushi, or hey, what about driving back to Tallahassee the weekend after next to spend more time with her friend that just got married? All great ideas, don't you think?
We got home and unpacked our cars. I made the bed for us, something I normally don't do, and I unloaded the dishwasher. She cleaned out the litter pan, one of her chores, and annoyed with me again, she asked if I cleaned the mat underneath the pan while she was away. I told her about all of the things I had to do on Thursday and Friday. How I fed her fish and refilled their tank even though she didn't ask me to, how I did the dishes before I left, and returned the movies we had rented. She seemed to understand. I tried to entice her to come to bed sooner than later by offering a massage. She was annoyed with me yet again because I had accidentally reset our alarm clock while she was away. I earnestly told her that I tried to be careful with it but I made a mistake. She finally lied down naked. I rubbed her shoulders and back for a while. It was just a cheap ploy to get my hands on her bare ass. I did her legs and feet, too, but the more I looked at her naked ass the more I wanted it. I kissed her neck and she said she immediately said that she needed to go to bed. I said I needed something else. I don't know if I ever felt so full of lust. My heart was pounding. I needed her so badly. She said she was really tired. I begged her, saying it wouldn't take long. She looked desperate and sad. She would have let me do it, though. I said, "God, why do you look so sad? We don't have to if you don't want to."
I don't understand. I really try hard to please her. Doesn't that come through? What did I do to make the thought of sex with me so horrible? I got under the covers. She snuggled up to me. I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed awake for hours thinking one bitter thought after another. I considered getting out of bed and looking at pornography, but why should I have to? I have a healthy desire for my spouse. How is it selfish of me, after four days apart, to wish that she longed for me, too? Even if she felt no desire for sex, would it really be so burdensome to act interested for me? I acted interested all fucking weekend! Does she take no pleasure in pleasing me? How is it fair that her friend gets her waiting on her every request for four fucking days and I can't have four minutes?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)