Best Wishes

I made all of the preparations, but I'm not going to do it. I went to the grocery store earlier in the week and got cash back with my purchase so I would have dollar bills. I took tomorrow off from work incase I would be out late tonight. I got the directions and found out all that I could about the place, but I'm not going to a strip club tonight.

I've already spent the last three afternoons indulging in so much porn, I feel a little low. Only because there are more useful things I could have done with my free time. I've already wasted a lot of time on adult entertainment, I don't need to start wasting money, too. What I really want is sex with a beautiful girl, and everything else that is bought and sold just pales in comparison.

My moods change like tropical weather I know, but tonight I don't want to be patronized by a half-naked girl who's only friendly with me for my money. That's for the really pathetic guys who have never had sex with a beautiful woman. I would like to have the experience of going to a strip joint before I die, but not under these circumstances. Not while I have no buddies who will go with me. I wouldn't want my wife to be deceitful while we're apart, so I shouldn't be either.

I wish for so many things. I wish my sexual desire weren't so strong, or so disproportionate to that of my wife. I wish she recognized it, understood it, and always wanted to satisfy it. I wish she would condition me like a docile animal and fuck me for good behavior, rather than leaving me lost in the maze. I do poorly and get nothing, I do well and get nothing. I do exceptionally well and still get nothing. Then I get a reward not knowing how or why.

I wish my sex life didn't account for such a large portion of my happiness. I wish she truly found me irresistable like I find her. I wish she took the same pleasure in making me happy. If I asked her, she would say that she does. But that's not always my experience.

I wish my moods were more consistent. I wish my resolve would stick, when I resolve not to feel sorry for myself anymore, or when I resolve not to let our sexual differences constantly bother me. I wish I focussed all of my energy on creative work. I wish it felt easy to be open with my wife. I wish she wanted me to be. She would say that she does, but she doesn't ask me to be.

Home Alone

I left work early to drive my wife to the airport. It was in the middle of rush hour so between the drive home from work, to the airport and then back home again, I was on the road for three and half hours. The stop and go traffic was driving me mad. Once I got home, I looked ravenously at porn on the Internet. Over the years I've saved plenty of porn and accumulated a small stash of DVDs, but it's never quite as interesting as new porn. A good part of the excitement is the hunt. I looked at photos and videos for hours. I couldn't get enough. I was so ready to pay for a ten minute live webcam personal strip show. I could pay for it through SecondLife so my wife would never know. The girl never came online, though. I was so disappointed. She looked so hot, I doubt she really does webcam shows. It may just be a scheme.

All frustrations aside, I already miss my wife's companionship. I just miss the sense of her presence in the house. Most of what she talks about is so uninteresting to me. She tells me all about people I've never met, about bands and musicians she knows I don't like, about the pharmaceuticals she sells and the doctors with whom she meets for her job. Sometimes I am glad to have her talk to me because I don't have anything to say. Most of the time I wish she would only tell me entertaining things and things I need to know. I usually wish I had more to tell her, but my life is very uninteresting and I don't do much to change that. Having her in the house means there will be things for me to do, though, so I'm not missing that. I had beer for dinner last night and coffee for breakfast, because no one needs me to make meals. I don't treat myself well without a partner around, but I seriously enjoy the freedom.

So Bad

I'm going to be so bad. I'm driving my wife to the airport today and once she's gone, I'm going to be bad. She has a three day business meeting in Key Largo and I can't wait to be alone. We haven't fooled around in so long. Last weekend her parents visited. I doubted that we'd have any fun with them keeping us busy and, as expected, we didn't. I was hopeful during the week, though, but still nothing happened. I tried to get her turned on one night and she just wouldn't have it. But on Saturday morning, she told me that she had wanted to have sex all week, she was just too tired. I said, "You should tell me that during the week so I don't get so frustrated." She acted surprised. Apparently she didn't know I was frustrated. She told me that I can control how I feel. I said, "Yeah, I can, but I think that the reason why I feel frustrated is legitimate." If all it takes to be happy is to will yourself to feel delighted despite the circumstances, why bother fucking? Why bother having a relationship? Just pretend you're living the life you always dreamed of.

I admit, I haven't been communicating how I feel. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I shouldn't fucking have to. I should not have to constantly remind my wife to stop thinking about herself, her life and her problems for long enough to consider how I might be feeling. I always know where she is. I know when she's hungry and when she's tired. When she wants to be left alone. She doesn't have to tell me. That's my fucking job as her husband, to be attentive. It really doesn't take much effort.

For fuck's sake, she doesn't even have to be around me to understand where I'm at. It's pretty simple. If I haven't just finished having sex with her, I would like to have sex with her. If I haven't had sex with her in several days, I'm starting to get frustrated, and I don't care about what she's saying. I wonder if it's something I said or did and if she's punishing me. If I haven't had sex with her in a fairly long time, I'm starting to question the purpose of being in a relationship. I feel stupid for caring about the things that are important to her, and I wonder if I wouldn't be happier if she wasn't around.

It's not meant to sound cruel or uncaring, it's just the honest truth. Sex is important to me. I look forward to it. It's rewarding. It makes life worth living. It validates the things that I do to try and be a good husband. When my wife doesn't show interest in having sex with me, it feels like she's telling me I'm not good enough. I'm not worth the little bit of effort. I'm not desirable. And it makes me indignant because I believe I am a good husband. I believe I am attractive and she's just taking me for granted.

So I think I'm ready to go to a strip club. I've never been to one. While my wife is away this week, I think I might just go.

Four Minutes

I'm so fucking aggrivated. Last week my wife took two days off from work to help a friend in Tallahassee with her wedding. My wife was her matron of honor. That's all well and good. I'm not aggrivated about that. I always look forward to the prospect of having some time to myself, but if I thought I was going to have any, I was deluding myself. Between my Dad's birthday, Easter, and this fucking wedding, I was booked.

So my wife left on Wednesday night. I went to work as usual on Thursday. My parents were going to come out to my house after work for an early dinner since my Mom had to go to a training class nearby. The class was cancelled, but I knew they were looking forward to visiting, so I invited them out anyway. My Dad was turning 70 years old on Friday so I shopped for birthday presents right after work on Thursday. I didn't have much time though, I needed to get home and meet them for dinner. I didn't find all of the presents I wanted to get, but I ran home and made my folks some hamburgers. They had a good time. Fortunately they left early enough for me to go out and find one last present. I would have birthday shopped sooner but it always seems to take a crowbar to get gift ideas out of my parents.

Friday was going to be a long day so I went to bed as soon as I got home. I didn't even look at any smut although it was a prime opportunity with the wife out of town. I had Friday off from work since it was Easter weekend. Even though we'd just had dinner together the night before, I had invited my parents out for breakfast. Because of the stupid wedding events, I was going to have to leave for Tallahassee in the afternoon, so I wouldn't be able to see my Dad on his birthday otherwise. So we had a nice breakfast at a local restaurant and my folks stuck around while I packed. Dad liked his presents and was appreciative of the time we got to spend together.

Before I left town I needed to get my coworker's paycheck to him. I don't know why he doesn't have direct deposit like everyone else in the world. But he's been out of work following a sports injury that led to his spleen being removed. When we got our paychecks on Thursday, I took his and called him and his wife to see if they wanted me to deliver it to them somewhere. No one had called me back by Friday, so I decided to just bring it to their house in St. Augustine. The house was empty, so I slid it under their door. By the time I got home, I was running short on time. I needed to get on the road by 12:30pm at the latest in order to make the 3 hour drive to Tallahassee, drop off our dogs at my in-laws' house, get changed into nicer clothes and then drive to the wedding rehearsal at 4pm. I left without a moment to spare and made it to the rehearsal before my wife and the bride arrived. I was proud of myself.

I really missed my wife and I was very happy to see her. I helped her with whatever I could, but spent most of the time sitting around feeling self-conscious. I'm generally a shy person and I tend to feel self-conscious around strangers. There were some other husbands in the same situation, though, so there were some people I could talk to. Next was the rehearsal dinner. There again, I was stuck sitting with a bunch of people I didn't know, while my wife sitting at the wedding party's table enjoying herself. Some enjoy meeting new people, but I really dread those kinds of social situations. I knew it was important to my wife, though, so I didn't complain and I just played the part. Three beers helped.

Afterward I went back to my in-laws' house while she went to stay in a nice hotel suite with the bride and bridesmaids. They had plans to have some kind of bachelorette party, but the Marriot fucked up their reservation and they ended up spending most of the night just trying find a place to stay. I would never wish any difficulty on my wife, but as a concerned husband, I was glad to hear there wasn't much of a party. It's really rare that my wife has too much to drink. The few times that she has, it's been with girlfriends. She and I have been married for almost 4 years now, together for 7, and I have yet to see her drunk. It makes me a little jealous. Sometimes the girl I know isn't that much fun.

After the rehearsal and dinner, six hours in all, I felt like I had celebrated my wife's friend's marriage enough. Yay, you're married, good for you. You know, I really don't like you that much. It might be more accurate to say that I tolerate you for my wife's sake. But the main fucking event was Saturday, another block of six hours to linger in one spot wearing uncomfortable clothes feeling self-conscious. Even though I got to spend a little more time with my wife, I still felt starved for her attention. As the matron of honor, she obviously had shit she needed to do, and I didn't want to be her shadow. But even when we were together, she wasn't looking at me very much. I would look at her and she wouldn't return a glance. It made me feel even more lost. So all I could do was look forward to the limo shuttling the bride and groom off and getting back to our normal life already.

When it was all over my wife drove me over to my car. Driving past the only white Corolla around she asked if it was my car. I joked that it was, you could tell from the layer of dirt on it. In an annoyed tone she remarked, "oh, would you get that headlight cover fixed and get that air filter so we can change the oil?" Her voice indicated that she felt I had taken much too long to complete those tasks. It was a simple remark, but it sounded like it shot out from a part of her that thinks I'm no good. Like it was just one of many things I haven't done right and never do right. And after pissing away what would have been some valuable free time and swallowing all of my insecurities for the last two days, I didn't need to be made to feel like a burden. I needed a gold star. A reward. Some freaking acknowledgement. I thought about what to say, and "fuck you" was all that came to mind, so I kept it to myself. I just got in my car and drove off.

We stayed at her parents' place that night. The weight of the remark lightened and my true feelings surfaced: I was excited to have her back. I playfully swiped her pillow when we were sitting on the couch that night and she had no good humor about it. She was genuinely angry with me. Fine. Treat me like I'm an asshole. Over the course of the weekend I'll only drive 6 hours to attend 3 wedding events for your stupid annoying friend, missing my Dad's 70th birthday party by the way, I'll go to Easter mass with you and your family on Sunday even though I'm a fucking atheist, I'll make nacho dip on Saturday night and then help prepare an Easter dinner on Sunday because your Mom is too lazy to cook, and I'll help your parents lay heavy patio stones in their back yard, but you're right, I am a gigantic asshole. I still missed you for some reason and I'm thinking that you're probably just worn out and need a good night's sleep. So go ahead and get some rest, I'll be awake with a rock hard erection most of the night because I haven't had an orgasm since last Wednesday, and now, to help take my mind off of that fact, I have a gorgeous naked girl sleeping quietly next to me. Sweet fucking dreams!

I spent Sunday thinking about fucking. I took the opportunity to shower in the morning with my wife. I knew nothing would happen. She wanted us to go to the early Easter mass at ten o'clock, so with only two hours to wash and dry her hair, put on her make up and clothes, then drive to the church that is 15 minutes away, we might just get there on time, if she rushed. I forget that the attention she devotes to her appearance is purely for her own vanity and has little to do with looking sexually attractive for me. I spent the hour at church looking at other girls' tits. My wife wore a dress and looked good, though. Even better in a tight pair of jeans and a gray shirt after the service. She layed flat on her belly on the living room floor to read the paper and I could have fucked her right there in front of her parents. I told her I was going to take a bite out of her when we got home. Her response didn't indicate any interest or disinterest.

Usually we don't leave her parents' house until late, but this time she insisted that we leave at 6:30pm so we wouldn't get home too late. After driving for a while I felt like we hadn't talked much since the wedding ended, so I called her cell phone. She said she was already talking to her girlfriend in Phoenix. Well that's good. I was beginning to think you were running out of ways to make me feel insignificant. I tossed the phone on the passenger seat. She talked to her friend for an hour before she called me back. I shouldn't have answered it, but like a dunce, I was still hoping for a piece of ass when we got home. I was short with her. She talked about flying out to Phoenix to visit the friend she was talking to, or having her come and visit us and have us pay for all of her food because she's been blowing all of her money on liquor and sushi, or hey, what about driving back to Tallahassee the weekend after next to spend more time with her friend that just got married? All great ideas, don't you think?

We got home and unpacked our cars. I made the bed for us, something I normally don't do, and I unloaded the dishwasher. She cleaned out the litter pan, one of her chores, and annoyed with me again, she asked if I cleaned the mat underneath the pan while she was away. I told her about all of the things I had to do on Thursday and Friday. How I fed her fish and refilled their tank even though she didn't ask me to, how I did the dishes before I left, and returned the movies we had rented. She seemed to understand. I tried to entice her to come to bed sooner than later by offering a massage. She was annoyed with me yet again because I had accidentally reset our alarm clock while she was away. I earnestly told her that I tried to be careful with it but I made a mistake. She finally lied down naked. I rubbed her shoulders and back for a while. It was just a cheap ploy to get my hands on her bare ass. I did her legs and feet, too, but the more I looked at her naked ass the more I wanted it. I kissed her neck and she said she immediately said that she needed to go to bed. I said I needed something else. I don't know if I ever felt so full of lust. My heart was pounding. I needed her so badly. She said she was really tired. I begged her, saying it wouldn't take long. She looked desperate and sad. She would have let me do it, though. I said, "God, why do you look so sad? We don't have to if you don't want to."

I don't understand. I really try hard to please her. Doesn't that come through? What did I do to make the thought of sex with me so horrible? I got under the covers. She snuggled up to me. I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed awake for hours thinking one bitter thought after another. I considered getting out of bed and looking at pornography, but why should I have to? I have a healthy desire for my spouse. How is it selfish of me, after four days apart, to wish that she longed for me, too? Even if she felt no desire for sex, would it really be so burdensome to act interested for me? I acted interested all fucking weekend! Does she take no pleasure in pleasing me? How is it fair that her friend gets her waiting on her every request for four fucking days and I can't have four minutes?

Red Gloves

I finally got my Valentine's Day present on Sunday, March 9th. In the morning she put on the red bra and panty set and called me back to bed. There was a pair of lace up red gloves that she bought for Halloween last year and never opened, so I asked her to wear those, too. I tried to give her some foreplay, but she didn't seem very interested. I would have liked some foreplay in return, but I didn't ask for it, so I didn't get any. It was still some quality sex, she got two orgasms out of it so I was proud of myself.

Anytime we have sex is good, I would never pass it up, but the sex we have now is fairly boring. She doesn't seem to want to touch my cock beforehand. Usually she wants to get right to fucking, so there's no anticipation. And lately she's just been lying on her back. She oohs and ahhs, kisses me, but that's the extent of her participation. I haven't said anything about it to her, so I don't expect it to change. When I imagine talking to her about it, I just see her getting defensive and sad, so I leave it alone. It's good enough that we are having sex regularly.

Leading up to the infertile phase of her cycle she asked me to initiate sex with her during the day. So we spent all of Saturday at home together and I imagined approaching her several times, but I could only see her preferring to finish what she was doing, rejecting me and making me angry. So I left her alone. I told her on Sunday that I had considered it, and she agreed that she was busy the entire day. For the most part, I feel like I have very little control of our sex life, so when she said that she wanted me to initiate sex during the day, I considered it one of those things that she only thinks she wants.

I've tried a few times to let her know that I'd like to be more open with her, that I'd like to talk more about us and less about the day's events, but her responses have always made it clear that I'm alone in that desire. Things are OK with us, though. We don't argue very much. We enjoy each other's company. I think in the past I've blown some things out of proportion here. I don't think I want our marriage to end. I think we're as close to one another as most spouses are. I think differences in sexuality are extremely common for married couples and there is nothing exceptional about us. I think if I'm not happy with some aspect of my wife's personality, I'm the one that married her. It was my responsibility to address it or accept it a long time ago.

And I'm sure I still have sex more frequently now than I would if I were single. I still love and absolutely cherish my wife's body (even though she cut her hair shorter recently). If things are as good as they will ever get with us, they really aren't so bad. The conclusion I have drawn is that if I ask my wife to honor a wish that is very important to me, experience tells me there is a good chance that she won't, and then I will resent her for it. If I don't ask her to honor that wish, the only person neglecting me is me.

I Knew It

I knew it was going to happen. Inevitably the closeness and love we were experiencing in the weeks prior to Valentine's Day would fade and we would find ourselves feeling alone and disconnected.

Yesterday my boss kept me late after work, not because I had done anything wrong, but simply because he needed my help working on a spreadsheet and he has no respect for other people's time. My boss loves the way I organize information into spreadsheets. I consider myself skilled in organizing information. He, however, is not. So we spent more than an hour making nonsensical changes to what had been a neat and orderly spreadsheet I had made. All the while I would make reasonable suggestions of ways to do what he wanted to do and he would deflect them, essentially because they weren't his idea. I got close to telling him how disrespectful it was to keep me late when I had sent him that spreadsheet a week ago. But I let it go.

Eventually, he was satisfied and I was allowed to leave. My wife had called during my nightmare so I called her back while I was driving home. I told her why I was held up and how annoyed I was, and then she started telling me about how her clothes don't fit because she's lost weight, and how she needs to buy new suits, and how she would have all of her suits taken in by a seamstress, but she might need bigger suits when she is pregnant, and so on and so on, and I just stopped listening. She talks so much more than I do. I really try to tell her important things that I think she will find interesting, and she just tells me everything. I got off the phone saying I needed to call someone else.

And when I am frustrated, I really don't want to take it out on anyone. I'm more inclined to tell them outright that I am in a bad mood and they shouldn't interact with me at all. It wasn't her fault that my boss has Obessive Compulsive Disorder and is a total jackass on top of that, but still, have a little emotional intuition. Maybe now isn't the best time to go over every random thought you've had today. When I got home, I couldn't urge myself to draw. I knew that I should, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I looked at porn and played video games. It just made me more frustrated.

Then when my wife got home, she started making arrangements for us to take her brother's crazy dog for two weeks while he enters the police academy. She suggested that he might not even have time to drive the 3 hours to bring his dog to us, so I might have to meet him half way. Fuck that, if I wanted someone to take advantage of me, I could go back to the office. So we argued. And I felt pissed off that I was making dinner like a good husband, while she was free to do whatever else she pleased. But I let it go. And I felt even more pissed off that those shoelaces I ordered for her as a late Valentine's Day present arrived, and she didn't get me shit. The only thing she got for me was a red bra and panty set that she still has yet to wear. But I let it go.

I'm So Good

Here's what a good husband I am. A month before Valentine's Day I went online and bought her presents. She is learning to play the bass guitar so I got two instructional books off of her Google wishlist. I also got her a Doctor Who radio mystery CD called the "Horror of Glam Rock." This wasn't something she said that she wanted, but she happens to love Doctor Who, old-fashioned radio dramas and glam rock, so that was my surprise see-how-much-I-pay-attention- to-your-interests- and-support-you-in-them gift. So I was ready with presents well in advance.

Then weeks before Valentine's Day, I started scoping a place for us to have dinner. I found an interesting restaurant to which we had never been before, and with my wife's approval, I made a reservation. Two days before Valentine's Day she mentioned that it would be neat to get different colored shoelaces for her new black Converse shoes, so I went online and ordered some. I knew it wouldn't arrive in time for the holiday, but it still seemed like a worthwhile gesture. The day before Valentine's Day I went to the grocery store to get the essential flowers and candy. She dropped a hint about liking tulips a few days ago, so that's what I got along with some Dove dark chocolate candies and two Toblerone bars which she always loves.

On Valentine's Day I was especially affectionate in the morning as we were getting ready for work. At work I sent her adoring text messages. Instead of going to lunch with my coworkers I went to get a haircut because she has been telling me I need one for quite some time. When I got home from work, I cleaned our cats' litter pan. That is one of my wife's household chores, but no one likes manipulating poo, so I did it for her. Then I went to the store and got wrapping paper to match the color of the tulips. I decided to make a card for her since it would mean more than a store-bought card and then I filled it with sweet and loving sentences.

When she arrived at home, I got dressed up for dinner and drove us to the restaurant. I usually can't eat an appetizer, entree and then dessert, but I packed it all down because that's what she wanted. When she said she was getting a headache, I went to the car to get her some pills. After we got home to open our presents, she was dismayed that I had bought her more gifts than she bought for me. I assured her it was OK. She said one of my presents was still in the mail, and I told her she had another one coming also. We opened our presents and smooched. During the day we both hinted at making love after dinner, but we were both tired and just went to sleep. I told her that was OK, too. It really was, because she has been keeping very happy recently.

The night before last I suggested we trade massages and we did. Afterward she wanted to have sex and hopped right onto me. It was fantastic. At one point she got a scarf and tied my hands to the headboard. She didn't tease me or make me submissive enough for it to really be worthwhile, but I still give her points for making it new and interesting. One day I will have to tie her up and show her how it's done.

Since we've been married there have been birthdays and anniversaries where I apathetically got her presents, only because it was expected of me and not out of love. But this Valentine's Day, it was so easy to show her love and devotion. For now I at least feel like I can be the caring husband that I truly want to be. I don't need to second guess my impulses and wonder, "If I do this for her, will she just take it for granted? Am I just setting myself up to feel even more neglected if I go out of my way to make her happy and she doesn't return the same effort?" It goes without saying, this is a very good place to be.

So last week I cancelled my secret subscriptions to Cinemax and that porn website. I haven't logged back into SecondLife at all this week. I haven't made any artwork recently outside of the Valentine's Day card, but I expect I will this weekend. I have had plenty opportunities to pleasure myself this week but I haven't taken them. As much as I enjoy the instant gratification of masturbating, I also like the idea that I am building up more and more sexual energy the longer I go without having an orgasm. I know that the next time I have sex with my wife I will be that much harder, and I will be hard for that much longer, and I will cum that much more, and I will cum that much farther. The resistance to temptation makes me feel powerful.

Plus, the added bonus of not masturbating for a while is the likelihood of having a sex dream. With my normal sexual habits, I never have dreams. Or if I do, I never remember them. But last night, even though my wife and I didn't have sex, we had some amazing sex in my dreams. It felt so real that when I woke up I was unsure if it had really happened or not. But then I realized we did things that we've never done before, and I was sure it had been a dream.

So what did my wife get me for Valentine's Day? She got a sexy red bra and panties that she is going to wear for me, and I seriously can't wait. She's made this work day torture.